"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Friday, November 30, 2012


Well, its been a lovely couple of days.

Due to the obstetrician wanting to make definately sure they weren't identical twins, we got another Ultra Sound.  This one was a full half hour.  We could see noses, toes, and movement of both babies and the techs were super happy.  It is a bit of a relief, even though it was all looking good, it makes me even happier now knowing its all looking great.

Telling people has been a blast too.  My BFF cried like anything, and then spent the next 20 minutes telling me how "I thought you were pregnant when x happened, but then I thought you weren't at Y".  Poor thing, she was so stressed not knowing, but knowing she couldn't ask!  She is super happy, and is already pushing for at least one boy so her daughter can marry him!

It's been just so very amazing.  I'm a bit overwhelmed.

We are telling the rest of the close friends over the weekend.  But the big question on my mind is facbeook.  What to do?  I think I do want to say something on there, it will start filtering in as people learn anyway, and I have always prefered one emotional hit rather than a suprise reference at 20 weeks.

But I don't know.

We will tell those we know are having difficulties in a private message.  But even this week I learnt that you can't always know who are the ones struggling.  We told our dear friends (whose second daughter is our God-daughter) and the husband said "We're a little jealous".  I suddenly realised that maybe they hadn't planned to stop at 2 kids (number two is currently 3).  It didn't mean they weren't super happy for us (they were thrilled), but it made me see that sometimes the most unlikely people can find news a struggle.

And how do I say it?  I want to say it in a way that hints at the struggle we had to get here.  But I want to say it in a way that will be least hurtful to friends, and also promotes helpful comments from those who comment.

I just don't know? :(

Any suggestions?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

All Good :)

Everything was wonderful.

We were so nervous in the lead up.  Its funny how in the minutes before the ultra sound I can be so prepared for bad news.  But there was none.  Both babies were looking good, in fact Big head was a tad behind and dancer was a bit ahead so they are looking very similar sized now.  Doctor is super happy with both, and their hearts are beating perfectly.  Earl and I just walked out of their with the biggest grins on our face.

And, in wonderful timing, my Mum just happened to have a meeting in a building walking distance from the clinic.  We had organised to meet her before the meeting.  She had her suspicions when we wanted to catch up, but that didn't stop her crying! :)  And when Tim said "There's more", she said "THERE'S TWO OF THEM".  It was so very lovely.  Her meeting friend was running late so we had about an hour of just chatting about the babies.  It was such a special hour.  And my dear Mum, she already offered to pay for a once a fortnight cleaner for the 2 months prior and 3 months after the twins birth.  And she is already hinting she wants the twins to arrive on her birthday :)

My Dad was interstate.  We weren't sure if we should wait until he was back, but Mum said she couldn't keep the secret so we better call him!  He really was shocked, and just so very happy.  The most beautiful moment was when I handed the phone to Mum to talk to him.  Mum is not really a big crier, but talking to Dad she just lost it.  While they've put on a brave face for us for so long, I know how much this must mean to them, to finally get to be Grandparents.

Then it was off to my sister's work.  She was so thrilled, and I think she was the most excited about the twin factor of all the family.

It's just been so happy.  Earl and I have compiled a list of who to tell, in person, on the phone, and via a general message.  There is some healthy debate about the order (Earl wants to tell church people on Sunday, but I want to wait until his siblings know on Monday).  But all in all we are just so very, very happy.  It's just so strange to be here.

The receptionist asked how many transfers we had done.  You know, I don't really know!  I've lost count  I could calculate it in my head, but I think we are up to about 17.  It's just crazy.  We were fully expecting to end this year on a new path to adoption.  Now we end this year with two babies on the way.

Of course, things can still go wrong.  But it feels like at 12 weeks we are moving into normal territory.

Thanks so much for all your prayers and support.  It's been such a blessing sharing this secret with you, and I appreciate all the years of support in the horrible years leading up to this point.  I still pray regularly for you all.

BTW, still can't talk Earl out of Big head, despite my Mum and Sister not being impressed with the name :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Scan tomorrow

Did I say I was hopeful, did I say I was excited?

Less than 24 hours to go until our final 1st Trimester scan.  And I'm scared again.  I love my Big head and Little dancer.  There is signs every morning they are there.  My belly hints it to me every time I look in the mirror.  But I'm afraid.  I love both my babies and I don't want to loose one or both of them.

Tomorrow could be such a happy day.  Or it could be really hard.

Please, please Father, keep our little ones growing and safe.  I desperately want to see two hearts beating tomorrow.

Monday, November 26, 2012

2 days until scan

It's crazy, isn't it?

I just got a call from the doc's secretary, asking if I could come in fifteen minutes earlier on Thursday. I was excited, it just seems so very close. It is also weird to be excited about an ultra sound.

I feel very pregnant. My biggest concern is for tiny dancer and how he is going. I've been googling this morning dissapearing twin syndrome. But it seems like it's not very common to loose a twin when you've seen both heart beats are 8 weeks. There are no garentees, and every time I feel confident I remember how we felt before thumpers scan and I feel scared. But the road to a healthy pregnancy involves hurdles and this is a huge one. But Thursday could be one of the highlights of our lives and it's hard to not be excited about it.

I've mentioned on this blog that I lived in the states for two years as a child. Since then my parents have mostly celebrated some sort of thanksgiving meal. Ours is on Saturday.  All going well Earl will tell Mum and Dad on Thursday, and I will tell my sister on Friday. Then Saturday Mum and I will cook and we will get to talk and talk about the babies.and that thought makes my heart sing!

Yesterday I got back from my big work trip! It was amazing, and exhausting.  It's funny, so many fears were unfounded. I was worried the students would get suspicious at my attempts at day time naps, my early nights, and my eating continually in the morning. But as Uni students they aren't used to pregnancy so nobody seemed to notice and care. Now I'm so excited to tell them all, they are Very dear to me after a week staying and working together.

I was busy, and there were times where I thought, (am I really 11 weeks pregnant? It just doesn't seem possible.

But it is.

Continuing to pray for all my friends still struggling on this road.

Monday, November 19, 2012

10 weeks and daring to dream

Its a strange time.

10 weeks just seems so significant.  I know its not the magical 12 weeks.  And I also know that 12 weeks isn't magical either.  It's safer, but it's not safe.  I know that anything can still happen.

But 10 weeks is significant. Every day is closer to telling. Every week is closer to this really, really happening.

It blows my mind sometimes.

I'm not planning on doing weekly updates for bump picks or anything like that.  But I do want to give you a sense of what has been going on.

Well, they say you start showing early with Twins and its true.  I have a bump.  Its not totally noticeable when I have clothes on, but once you get to the end of the day and I strip down to a bra its very, very obvious.  Earl is constantly teasing me about it, in a excited, non-offensive way.  Today I also went a bought my first maternity bra.  It felt weird, buying anything maternity before 12 weeks, but I was getting desperate.  Only one of my biggest bras fit, and I mean fit in the loosest terms.  It is so strange telling a shop assistant that I'm pregnant, when I haven't even told my Mum.  I don't think anyone will ask if I am pregnant, but I wonder if I will get some "I thought so"s when I finally tell.

Nausea is still there, though it feels a little less intense since the 10 week mark.  I still vomit every morning, and I have to eat something every hour in the morning, but overall I'm managing.  Food wise I still eat most things.  I'm very thirsty, and my only craving is Greek Yoghurt.  I eat it straight out of the tub, and I'm convinced I have very healthy, sensible babies to want something that is so good for me anyway!

Last week, I spent 3 days away with my staff team.  I was incredibly nervous; about food, about vomiting  about everything.  It was absolutely fine.  I had my own room, into which I would sneak and eat something if I felt any nausea coming on.  I was able to eat most of the food, and there was nobody who would have noticed everything.  But what was hard was the deception.  Everyone kept asking "Will you be working the same next year as you have this year?".  And I kept saying "I think so" or "Probably".  WHICH is a lie.  Because I didn't think so, and probably not.  I comforted myself by the fact that I was honouring Earl by keeping it quiet, but I still feel bad, and it puts a bit of a dampener of telling my work colleagues the news.  Though I'm sure they will be more understanding than I give them credit for.

But this week is another story.

This week I am going away for 5 days.  Earl will visit for one.  I am coordinating a team of 11 university students who are helping out at a church for a week.  It's going to be mad.  And I will be 11 weeks pregnant.  I'm super nervous.  But I think I just need to accept that it will be busy and crazy and to take every chance to rest that I can. And pray like mad.

And after that?

I get back on Monday and I'm going to crash.  And then?  Thursday we will have our final scan with the RE, our 12 week scan.  It will actually be 11 weeks and 6 days, but its close enough.  And then we will tell my parents.  And then we will tell Earl's parents.  And then we will start telling people.  And as much as I am super excited, I'm also a little nervous.  Infertility, baby stuff has been private for so long.  It feels weird, letting the world know that we are pregnant.  That there are two babies.

Not that I'm complaining.

Earl and I are so very overwhelmed with thankfulness.  We have no idea how we have ended up here.  It just feels like a treasure has just landed in our laps.  Earl won a comp on the radio this morning, and goes into the draw for a quite substantial prize.  But as Earl said, he doesn't care about that.  He just wants our twins.  They are our prize, they are what we have waiting so long for.  We just want them so badly.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Big Head and Dancer

Have you ever heard of a weirder name for an "in the belly baby" than big head?

Scan today was good. Little baby is still little, and was a few days behind last time.  But heart was beating perfectly, and it was moving! It was the cutest thing ever.  Doc isn't too worried about our little "dancer" so we are trying to relax and trust him when he says it all looks good!

The other baby is bang on track.  He or she was curled in a little ball, and looks so big next to dancer! Earl started referring to bubs as Big Head and despite my initial reservations it's stuck!

And Earl is getting excited! He almost agreed to tell my parents and everything. Almost!

We said farewell to our thrilled doctor, though ironically I spoke with the hospital and they said if we don't get a NT test then we will have to see him if we want a twelve week scan. So we maybe back again. But he said as we left he said "I want you to visit me, bring two babies, and I want you looking exhausted!"

I think I've worked out why I am happy to call one of our precious babies "big head". It's because Earl would only consent to that name if he really believed that it was going to get a real name one day. It's evidence that he finally believes that we are having these babies. And as much as things can go wrong, it feels like we are. Even Dancer is further along than Thumper ever was. We have made it to 10 weeks with twins, and we have only two weeks until the magical, beautiful 12 weeks.

Bring it on!

Thanks so much for your prayer and support.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A week until the next scan and living with a converted pessimist

9 weeks and 2 days

About the time we lost Thumper

I still stand by my last post, but that doesn't mean the 10 week scan isn't terrifying me.

One of the challenges of the last week has been Earl and my different take on things. Poor Earl.  He started this whole TTC and IVF thing such an optimist! He always thought I was pregnant, bless him. But when Thumper died, so did his optimism. He wants our babies to live, but he assumes they won't.

About 10 percent of the time I talk him into a little excitement. But the rest of the time he is scared. He keeps saying things like "I'm not coping with Life now, how will I be when we loose them?"

It's really tough. I just want him to be happy, but I know he needs to process this in his own way. So it makes me even more anxious for 12 weeks, because I want Earl to share my joy.

It is of course easier for me.  I'm the one with my head in the toilet nearly every morning. I'm the one who's tired and bloated and whose bra is now a 4 year old bra from when I weighed a lot more.  And all this just makes it easier to believe.

But the are still hard moments. Earl and I were at the beach and noticed a home made shrine.  A boy and a girl.  Love Mummy and daddy. Only made it to one day old.  Twins.

I love these babies.  And 12 weeks isn't the only challenge they face.

But it's the next hurdle.

Please make it my dear little ones! Father, please look after them. Amen

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I'm all in

There is a very memorable episode of the Television Series "The Gilmore Girls".

Luke and Loreli, after a million years of friendship and 4 seasons, finally start dating.  On their first date, Luke reminds Loreli of the first time they met in his cafe.  He reminds her of the horoscope she ripped out of the paper to show him.  He then opens up his wallet and pulls that same horiscope out.  He had kept it, in his wallet, from the moment he met her.  Loreli is in shock.

Then Luke says: "I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm all in".

It's a very romatic moment.

I've been thinking about that alot with the twins.  Because from the moment I saw the two heart-beats that has been my feeling.  I'm all in.

After I lost Thumper I remember being really annoyed at myself.  I had been so committed, so confident.  So happy.  So naive.  I was so angry that I had not prepared myself for the possibility of loosing him.

But now that I am back in that place, I realise that it wasn't naivity.  It was love.

It's not that I'm not aware that I can loose these babies.  We are sitting in the week where Thumpers heart stopped beating, and next week is the week when we found out. 

But I love them so much I just can't think like that.  I'm all in.  These are my babies and I love them and I just can't bear the thought of loosing them.  So I don't think like that.  I just imagine them growing and thriving and joining my family.  It's all I can do.

I'm all in.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

2 heart-beats

Its funny, but I have a policy on my blog that I am very clear in my title what my post is going to be, that I don't surprise people with news.  I remember reading a blog, a few days after a bfn, and half way through realising it was a pregnancy announcement and feeling really side-swiped.  So I decided then and there that I would always be very clear in my title about what had happened.  So while you know that we had a TERRIFIC scan, let me tell you the details.

As I have said numerous times, with the exception of the slight bleed a week ago, everything for this pregnancy was looking...well, very pregnant.  And so until last night I was feeling pretty positive about having at least one heart-beat.  But it's funny, Tim and I had a big commitment last night and the moment we walked out of the place where it was, our faces dropped and we got scared.  Scans are just so scary for us.

This morning was torture.  I woke up early, lay in bed, checking emails, just wishing time would fly.  And it took over an hour in the waiting room, waiting to go in.

There was one really nice thing in the room though.  I've always found this waiting room hard, because it tends to have lots of people seeing the fertility doctors who have kids with them.  And it always made me feel like a freak, because I would see people and think "Yes, that's how its suppose to be.  You do IVF, you get pregnant.  Then when kid is big enough you come back for other embryos."  But as we sat there Earl and I turned to each other and said "That could be us".  It was the weirdest moment.

Then we went in.  I got changed, calling out to the doctor that I had been feeling pretty horrible, but I was still scared.  We got straight onto it.  Baby A was obvious, and I could see the heart-beat right away.  Earl said "You remember the other sac?"  Doc went and had a look.  There was Baby B, Earl started asking "Is there a heart-beat?" but before he finished speaking I called out "There's a heart-beat, THERE'S A HEART-BEAT".  I could see it, that beautiful little flicker.  Earl and I just stared at each other in disbelief, while our doctor gave us the happiest, realest smile that I've seen the whole time I've known him.

Baby A is right on track at 8 weeks.  Baby B is at 7 weeks 2 days- which is behind, but given where he was last week, its exactly the size we would have hoped for.  Doc said he has seen pregnancies like this, where the second twin stays behind the whole pregnancy, and turns out absolutely fine.

Earl, of course, being Earl, said "We're still not getting our hopes up".  But for today, I want to celebrate because both my babies are okay.  I have two heart-beats.

The other thing that we decided, in discussions with our doctor, is that we are changing hospitals.  Given our pregnancy is now high risk, we are moving to a less convenient specialist womens-and-babies hospital with a neo-natal ward.

Meanwhile, I am staying on my meds for another 2 weeks.  Doc figures that while things are going well we should leave it as is.  We are back again in two weeks for a 10 week scan.

Thanks so much for your prayers.  It seems so strange after so many years of heart-ache to suddenly just have this double blessing.  I know that this is not 12 weeks (which suddenly seems far away again), I know things can go wrong, I know that two heart-beats also equals a higher risk pregnancy than we were expecting.

But right now I just can't help but be grateful.  I have two babies inside me.
love LG