"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Monday, May 30, 2011

Never ending

Firstly, an apology for being so bad at commenting this week. For some unknown reason on my computer at home, I am permenantly logged onto blogger in my Non-annymous, public blog name, and not matter how many times I try to log out it won't let me! So I can't comment on any blogs at home, even though I am reading and praying. I will try to comment occassionally from work, but it depends on my business and also whose in the office. Nobody at present, hense why I can write!

My Husband got an email today from a friend from church, letting him know that he and his wife are pregnant. Seriously- are we ever going to get a break from this! The last two days I was finally starting to feel okay, and once again I sit at work wondering why I can't just go home and cry.

My husband wrote a very honest reply about how we were happy and sad from their news (they know about the misscarriage).

IF Sucks. It really, really sucks.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Shadow over everything

Vaguely pulling myself together again, though still finding things hard.

Strangely, one of the hardest things has been conversations with my parents. This negative has hit them really hard, I think because they knew the timing of the transfer and were more aware of what was going on. They keep asking "The doctors can't tell you anything about why it didn't work?". It is hard to explain to them that you just don't always know why a good embryo doesn't stay. I think it hit my mother hard because up to this point we've been expecting to have a child interstate, away from my parents. But because we are moving to my hometown next year, this baby would have been born near my parents. I think Mum was more excited for that reason, so more disappointed as well.

It's so hard. So many pregnant people in my life. So many bellies that scream out "This is what you would have had if Thumper had lived". It is so completely unbearable.

And Thumper has given us hope that I can get pregnant and yet I haven't . So once again my heart is sick with disappointment. Sick with dreams that don't come true.

There have been good things happening this week. Great conversations, fun with Earl. But this shadow covers everything. I know as his month progresses I will feel better. But only to feel worse again as once again I jump into this last cycle. We had so much hope for these three embryos! The idea that they all might not make it is so unfair.

Is my baby ever going to come?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Not coping

I'm so tired.

We have pretty much decided to have a break this coming month. The hard thing about that is that it means that it is very, very unlikely that we will be pregnant before Thumper's due date. Which means that this coming two months are going to be horrible. Today is two months away from his due date. I can hardly bear it. Why do my babies die? :''''''''''(

I am so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. So often I hear so many happy stories of pregnancies for those who struggle with infertility. But how journey just seems to be getting blacker and blacker.

I'm not coping very well.
Please pray.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Not a surprise. But still a very sad day

Waiting for the inevitable no

A little more bleeding. I have no hope for this test.

Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.

At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?

This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(

This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.

I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.

Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".

4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

1 day and hope retreating

1 day until beta.

I have had the slightest touch of dark, old bleeding.

I am not totally without hope, but it feels like the kind of thing that is the warning of a bad day tomorrow. I'm praying like crazy, but I'm so sad, and trying to leave a bit of the emotions for tomorrow. There is still the possibility that everything is going to be good. But there is the real possibility of a big, fat, ugly negative and I am struggling.

I'm fighting off sickness so I am feeling tired and warn out as well.

Where the hell is my miracle?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Playing games

3 days until beta

It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.

After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.

And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.

And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens

I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.

My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?

One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.

But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.

But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Terrible night, and hopefully not TMI

As part of my natural cycle the doctors have given me one progesterone pessarie to insert once a day. It's not a big dose, just something to help things along. Anyway, I take it at 11pm, which means that sometimes I'll go to bed early and my alarm will go off on my phone to let me know that I need to get up, go down stairs to the fridge, get out a pressary, and then go back upstairs.

Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!

Panic stations!

I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.

And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.

I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.

Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.

I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.

But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".

I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.

Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"

But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.

I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.

I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.

I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.

5 days until beta

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A real holiday

I've just gotten back this morning from my weekend away with my Mum and Sister.

It was amazing!

My family growing up was never really rich, I always felt like my friends had more money than my parents. My parents started off as teachers, and then after a fair bit of study both became academics. They have always been careful with Money, and now as they approach retirement age (not that they are planning to retire anytime soon- they love their work!) they are going very well financially. So our "girls weekend" is really a chance for Mum to pay for everything and to treat me and my sister like queens.

We went to one of the best restaurants in the state, I got a facial and a massage, and we went on a lovely work through the Australian bush. We did lots of cooking, we hung out in front of the fire. We talked and talked and laughed and listened to music and it was lovely. I stayed last night at my parents before flying home, and so also got some time with Dad, who said I think at least 15 times in the 18 hour period how much he enjoyed having me around :) Earl and I will be moving back to the same state as our families next year and we are so excited.

IVF came up a little bit, because of the transfer, but not too much. Just as much as I wanted.

It was a real holiday, and if Earl had been there I would have never wanted it to end.

Now I am back home. And it feels like the 2ww is starting in earnest. It is real in a way that it hasn't been before. 1 week to go before my test. I feel sick whenever I think of it.

The transfer went well, if you can say anything about it. The blastocyst was hatching which made me a little bit happy because the last one wasn't and Thumper definitely was. But I don't want to get too excited.

God answered my prayer and so this weekend I was able to pray. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.

Please Father, let this baby live and grow. I long to hold him/her.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Perfect timing on so many levels

So, providing defrosting of my embryo goes well, transfer takes place tomorrow. 3 hours after the transfer I will get on a plane for a weekend away with my Mum and my sister. The only thing different about this trip because of the transfer is that when my Mum and Sister are in the hot-springs, I will be watching, or maybe getting a pedicure! But I would much rather sit there with an embryo watching than participating without one.

It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.

Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.

Please pray that our little one sticks.

Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)

Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

I survived.

The day actually got better as it progressed. The great blessing was that our transfer has been confirmed for this Thursday, so it was a Mother's Day with at least some hope behind the heart-ache.

My friend Mrs L gave me a beautiful card, saying that she was praying for me. It was my first Mother's Day card and it meant so much. I also got two "I am praying for you" texts from friends during the day. And at the end of the night, as I returned our left-over little "presents" that we handed out to all the Mothers at church to the office, I pocketed one. I couldn't publicly take one without people asking awkward questions, but I was a Mum and I knew I deserved one.

But it was also a day to remember that Infertility is not the only hard thing to face on Mothers day.

I couldn't help watching one of the guys at church, who on Mothers day last year found out about a terrible thing his mother had done. I spoke with one girl who hates mother's day, because whenever she tries to do anything nice for her Mum, her Mum uses it as an opportunity to criticise her. And my friend who sat in church like she is in a candy store, because her Mum doesn't like her going to church and only lets her go to church for short periods at a time, and so every time she goes it is such a special treat.

I am so thankful for my Mum, and for Earl's Mum. They are incredibly supportive of what we do and who we are. It was nice that this year Mother's day felt like a time when I could be thankful as well as sad.

Being in Australia I know I am ahead of my (known) readers in terms of time, and so I am praying for all of you on this very difficult day to come. Praying that there will be comfort, and that this Mother's day will be the last one without a child. xoxo

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Growing in Patience?

Some of you might be wondering why I go from cycle to cycle without a break.

There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.

And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.

A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"

And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.

Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.

But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".

Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Like a hamster on a wheel

And so it begins again.

Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.

The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF

Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!

But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.

Please Father, let it be this month!