"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Monday, December 20, 2010

When will the fear end!

Well, the weekend with the Aunt went by without any family member finding out we are pregnant. But that is not to say it wasn't eventful.

Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.

We ended up going to the emergency room.

The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.

So that's what I'm hoping to do today.

I just want to stop being afraid!

I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.

Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Well, I'm definately struggling with morning sickness. The dry wretching of previous mornings has been replaced with coughing up stomach acid- gross! And I sit here after my probably too big lunch and hope that it's not going to come up again. When I'm not sick I feel really good about it because I know that it's Thumper making himself known, but when it's happening it's just awful.

We are staying with my Aunt this weekend and I'm horribly afraid my vomiting will give it away. My plan is to get up- go for a walk so I can vomit out of the house. (since its just stomach acid and saliva and water I don't think it's too bad to vomit on the grass somewhere). I just really don't want her to know- partly because it would be hard for Mum's sister to hear before her, and also because she probably won't keep the secret and will end up giving me baby stuff for Christmas! That would give it away much earlier than we were hoping. And as Earl and I discussed yesterday- we have many years ahead of us of getting things that are for our baby not us- we might as well enjoy our last Christmas of being the favourites ;)

I realised today that I've made such a big deal in my head of how everyone is going to react to our news that I might be forcing myself to be disappointed. I'm trying to stop and just relish things for how they are, not how I've imagined them being for four years! But it's very hard. Because though it has been worst for us, it's been hard for our folks too- particularly my parents who've riden the IVF ride with us, and Earl's Dad whose watched his brother get six Grandchildren- Five since we've been trying. We are so excited about making them so happy.

Last night I dreamed I got my period. It was so nighmaric. When I woke up I was just so relieved. I even got up and checked to make sure. But Thumper is still here. I feel good about things. But I still can't wait to get to 12 weeks.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Fighting Fear

Yesterday I was afraid again. So much disappointment and heartache doesn't disappear overnight. It was so strange. I kept ringing up my husband- is this really happening. It didn't help that I felt alot better (less nauseous) than I had all week.

The nice thing was, just after I got off the phone with him- the nurse from the infertility department called, "How are you?" I asked politely, "We're all wonderful, now that we've seen your fantastic scan" she said! She was so positive. Officially, unless things go wrong in the next five weeks, I am out of their hands. The joy began again. This is actually happening!

And this morning I was feeling better, got worried again, and proceeded to vomit up all the water I had drunk so far that morning :)

We are thinking maybe telling immediate family at ten weeks. It's hard to decide- particularly as we really don't want it spreading beyond immediate family until 12 weeks. But I just can't wait to tell our folks :)

We've given the baby our own private nick-name- "Thumper" because of his little heart- that refused to stop beating- even when everything was against him. We are calling him a him. We both think its a boy- though we may be wrong.

We are having a baby!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Good news

Today I lay on the ultra-sound chair, my husband rubbing my head affectionately. Almost before we expected it- there was the little heart beat again. Still alive. Then the Senographer measured the baby.

7 weeks! Even bigger than we were hoping for. I am so incredibly relieved. It was so exciting. This time Earl kept wanting to look at the picture. It is suddenly real. We are expecting a baby!

'No one is ever out of the woods until 12 weeks' the senographer warned us. And we know. But we've gone from freaks who 'can't have babies', to freaks 'making babies that are too small' to...normal. Normal, Normal, Normal.

I am so happy.

In my tummy there is a baby. That baby is the size of a blueberry and it has a head and a spine and a heart that goes "Thump, Thump, Thump" at 150 beats a minute- exactly as it should.

I am so happy.
love Lady Grey

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Living in a bubble

Earl and I are living in a bubble.

Earl more than me, as he is on holidays so he is literally living in his own little world that I visit when I get home from work. We both feel incredibly lonely- but it's a weird loneliness because as much as we want to see people, we also don't want to see people.

We just don't know how we feel.

I am managing well at work. Really well. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I am a very functional emotional mess. Most of the time, whatever happens, I just do what I need to do. And I'm enjoying the relationships I have there. I am not alone. But I am either on the way to having a baby or a misscariage and I don't know which one it will be and so there is this strange distance between me and everyone except Earl- because they don't know.

I vomited again this morning. The GP assures me that is a good sign. She has given me a plan. This is what you do if Thursday goes well. This is what you do if it doesn't. So helpful. And it means rather than worrying about the future I can just wait. Each day is another gift, another day with our little one. But we want a life-time!
love Lady Grey

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Back to the waiting game

We had the ultra-sound. Almost without realising it was about to happen, there was little baby with a very obvious heart beat. I couldn't believe it. It was so precious!

The ultra-sound lady took a measurement and said they were a week smaller than expected. Is that a problem? 'It sometimes happens with IVF" she said, but she reassured us.

I thought I'd ring up the clinic just to see if we should be worried at 3pm. There was no need. At 2:30 I got the call. "We got your results back and it's not looking good".

But, but, but, we saw a heart beat?!?

24 hours of hell. So, so sure the baby would go at any minute. Until I talked to the counsellor and was reassured- it still might go on. It just also might not.

And so we are back in the waiting game. And ever almost throw-up and ever day without bleeding is an answered prayer.

Three options:

-Misscarriage this week.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby hasn't grown enough this week. More waiting, more bad signs.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby has grown enough this week. Good sign. Not out of the woods. But maybe back in the normalish territory.

You can guess what I pray for.

Trying not to think about the future. Just today. And maybe the day after.
Lady Grey