"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, December 29, 2012

All the little worries

I wish there was a way that we could not be afraid.  But I just don't know if that's possible.

I haven't had as much movement since that first Christmas feeling, and even though I have tiny feelings that could be movement, I can't be sure and so the worries surface.  Yesterday I again felt that same movement again, ironically it seems to come after a big meal when I'm sitting in a certain position.  I haven't had many big meals since the GD diagnosis, so it explains it somewhat.  But when I stop worrying about having movement, I start worrying about where it is.  Wondering why Dancer is so strong but Big Head I can't feel. I know its positional more than anything but that doesn't mean I'm not scared.  Oh how I long for a few deep, hard kicks.  I'm praying we have little soccer players and kick boxers who are very keen to tell me soon "We're here, We're here".

Earl is the same.  He is obsessed with the bump.  He constantly wants to look at it, trolls around me like I'm a sculpture, trying to work out has it grown or stayed the same or gone down?  For him the bump is the proof that things are going okay, it's the only proof.  And so if he thinks its looking big, he is happy.  If he thinks it's small, he is concerned.

I worry about my cervix.  I don't think I would have even thought about it if not for IF.  I read of women getting their cervix length checked.  My doctor hasn't even taken a peek at my cervix (though the U/S techs have).  Is everything okay down there?  What if it's not?

Most of the time I'm fine.  But every so often I just get overwhelmed and scared.

GD is another avenue for fear.  Have I hurt the babies by eating to much sugar early on in the pregnancy?  Now that it's being monitored I get occasional scares when I have a high reading (which totally sucks because I'm being so good.  How was I to know how much sugar they put in pasta sauce!! I wouldn't find it so frustrating if I just had something truly naughty and delicious!).  I worry that something will go wrong.  I called the diabetes educator and she assured me it wasn't a big deal, that I'm learning what to do.  She was so relaxed, that so was I.

I wish I had someone like that for the rest of my pregnancy.  Someone I could just call and say "Help!".  Someone who could put up with my stupid fears.  But my care at the moment, though from a very good doctor, is fairly sporadic.  It will pick up like crazy once we get past 20 weeks, because that is where things can go wrong with twins.  This is the "safe" time.  This is the time to enjoy, to relax, to appreciate the energy and the lack of pain and the things that will seem so precious when I'm 32 weeks and a pain ridden whale.

But I am a worrier.  And 6 years of IF treatment have not helped in that department.

But as I sit here, I feel the slightest movement.  And I feel better.
For now.
Love LG

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

IVF twins, and the unexpected question

Earl and I have made the decision not to be public about our IVF.

I've said this before on this blog, but I'll say it again: it's not because we are ashamed.  We are very happy with our decisions, we made them in good faith, and we don't feel the need to justify to anyone.  Dear friends and family know, and are supportive of our endeavours.

Our main hesitation is that a) most non IF people don't understand IVF and might judge or say unhelpful things b)We wanted any kids we have to feel free to talk or not talk about their conception c) This business already takes a private thing and drags it into the medical field and we just don't think its ever any one's business how a baby is made!

But when BH and D came along, I assumed that the question of IVF would come into the picture.  Most people I knew who had twins or triplets through IVF, get asked by random strangers about IVF.  Wouldn't I?  I even had an answer, and had given it to people who knew about IVF who we thought might be asked.  "Lady and Earl have had some infertility treatment, but they would prefer to keep the details private".  And my Dad at least has been asked the question by a few people that he knows.

But with the exception of my (slightly nosey) Aunt, not a single person has asked me about IVF.

They are ask a different question.

"Do twins run in your family?"

And I really struggle with that.

Because as much as I don't want to tell people about IVF, I don't want to deceive them.  But the irony is that they do!  My Great Grandmother was a twin, and so were my Mother-in-law's cousins.  So the answer is yes, but I feel like I'm lying to people when I say that.  And that is just not me.  I am normally such an open book.

It's just strange.  Things that were so private are now being aired and I just don't know how to handle it.  I hate deceiving people.  Earl, and even my Dad, say "It's no bodies business, why do you care?".

I think part of it is, these twins are just such a miracle.  They are more than just a weird gene, and even more than just a double embryo transfer.  Only people who have ridden the journey with us, who have seen us cope with so many BFN, who know how weird and amazing it is that even one of our babies is still alive, much less two.  And I feel sad that the rest of the world doesn't know that, though there is no real way to explain it.  Even if we did, I don't think people would get it.

I am still happy with our decision to keep things quiet, but I realise that secret are complicated and I just have to deal with it.

But you know who will hear the story?  Our babies.  I can't wait to tell them.  They will be sad when they hear about Thumper, and the other babies that didn't make it.  But they will be amazed at the story.  And hopefully, along with everything else in their life, it will give them a small window into how much their Mummy and Daddy wanted them and love them.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my dear bloggy friends!

I realise that Christmas is not a merry time for all of us, but I pray that it will be a time of family sensitivity, great food, and lovely gifts.

It is hard to know where to start.  I've composed many a blog posts in my head over the last few weeks, but in the craziness that has been Christmas there has scarce been a moment to sit at the computer and write.   There is so much to tell, but much of it probably needs to be saved for other posts. I have been keeping up on all your posts, and thinking and praying for all you this Christmas, whether it be prayers of thanksgiving for beautiful BFPs, or ones for comfort during another tough Christmas.

So, bit of a pregnancy update.

I am 16 weeks on Friday.  The weeks are flying by.  Week 14 had its challenges though.  Because of the twins, my PCOS, and my insulin resistances, my doctor decided that it would be good to move the Glucose tolerance test to week 14.  I did the test on the Monday, and got the call on the Tuesday that I failed.  Having gone to the hospitals information session- and knowing my risk factors, I don't know how I ever thought I'd pass, but I did hope for the best, and I was pretty upset to add this to the risks of the pregnancy.

The info session helped.  Basically it reassured me that my babies will be fine, and of course that is the thing I was most anxious about.  Provided I do my bit, it shouldn't be a problem.  I have to check my blood sugars two hours after every meal and when I wake up in the morning.  That was kind of fun and interesting...for the first day!   Now it seems like a real hassle. And it made Christmas a bit tricky as I bypassed the many lovely treats, many of which I had baked myself.  But as Earl reminded me constantly, this Christmas we have our babies, who cares about food?

My bump is slowly growing, and maternity pants are the only ones I can wear.  I went shopping with my sister to up my collection, and then the darling went shopping for some more gorgeous outfits for my Christmas present, when she was State-side for a wedding.  Clothes in America are a third of the cost of clothes in Australia, so it was a good deal all round.  I had one person on Christmas day at church comment on my pregnancy who I think no one had told.  So while it was a bit rude, it was kind of exciting to have got to the point of being obviously pregnant.

Hormones are still a problem.  Christmas Eve I totally lost it when Earl didn't want to get to his family Christmas party early.  I was on starting nibbles, and was so upset when I arrived and everyone was already there.  I also got really grumpy at another Christmas party, where family members kept frustrating me.  I hate it so much, I hate that such a happy thing can make me such a monster.  I spent much of Christmas Eve praying that I would hold it together for Christmas, and I'm very thankful that when it came to the actual day, it was all wonderful.  In fact, I would probably put it down as the best Christmas ever, and one of the best days ever.

Probably the most exciting thing about yesterday was that I realised without a doubt that the weird feelings I had been feeling were definitely baby moves.  It is such a relief, because as Earl and I keep saying to each other- how do we know they are still okay?  After so many early scans, this weird period of no contact is just strange.  I don't know if we would have a Doppler if we had a midwife, but our care is all doctor and he seems very much about information in our sessions and not about checking me out.  After 20 weeks we will move to 4 weekly scans, so that is comforting to know, but this month before our next scan is strange.

But the movement sure helps!

I can definitely feel Dancer, s/he is pushed up against my ribs, so after a big meal I just sit back and feel the strange tickles (it really does feel like bubbles under my skin).  Every so often  I feel a lower, less obvious movement which I hope is Big Head.  It's tricky, position wise it makes sense that Dancer would be the main contributor, but I just want to know for certain they are both okay.

Do these fears of loosing them every go away???

And starting today, my awesome Earl is joining me on the Low GI diet.  He wants to loose weight, but he also wants to support me, and that is so very precious.  But he definitely made the most of it on his last day of "freedom".  I don't think I've ever seen someone consume so much Gingerbread in a 48 hour period :)

I can't help thinking back.  Two years ago, Christmas was "celebrated" 3 days after we found out Thumper was dead.  Last year, it sat in the dark shadow of our doctor telling us we needed to start accepting the fact that we may not ever have genetic children.

This year everything basked in the crazy, almost impossible to believe reality that I have two babies still growing in my belly.

I feel very humbled and thankful.  When I look back on the last two Christmas, I wonder how I coped.  But God cared for and sustained us through the darkness.  And now he has given us this gift.  I am so very aware this Christmas of his goodness to me.  And when I sing the Carols and I hear the Christmas story again, I am overwhelmed with humility at his grace.

For so many years I've been thinking "It's my turn".  But now I am so aware that I didn't earn these babies.  They are a gift.  A pretty spectacular Christmas gift.
Much love to you all,

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The world knows and its really weird

I've been very absent.

I have some excuses.  I have been away, with only internet access on my phone, and I am yet to work out how to get my blackberry to post anything on blogger.  I've been reading up on many blogs, but been unable to write.  Things are going fine, as far as I am aware the babies are still around, they are definitely making a sizable bump, and I am grumpy and hungry (more about that later).  But it is a weird time, because there are no scans until 20 weeks and we are just going by faith that all is well.

The world knows and it's weird!

We did the Facebook thing.  I still don't know if I did it well or unhelpfully, but I basically said what we said in our text to close friends.  "We are expecting twins in Late May/Early June.  Very thankful to God and for those who have been praying for us".  Don't know if its as explicit about IF as it could have been, but in the end that's what we went for.

Earl and I feel very mixed about the whole thing.  On the one hand we are very aware that our news can be painful to dear friends we care about (although all our known IF friends have been super excited and supportive).  On the other hand, and I feel embarrassed to admit this, it's actually been so special and fun.  Watching the comments, the surprise, the excitement.  It was really precious.

It's strange because everyone is fascinated by our news, regardless of if they know our history.  Twins are unusual and weird and exciting, and so everyone, even total strangers, are just so interested in us and our twins.  Those who have been praying, those who have seen our heart-breaking wait, they know just what a miracle these are.  But even others are thrilled.

Sometimes I love it, and sometimes it's weird.  I barely believe that come May I will have two wrinkled, wiggling, beautiful bubs to hold.  It seems weird that the rest of the world knows and believes it more than me.  I feel very on show, and after nearly 6 years of silent IF struggles, it's just bizarre to be publicly discussing things.

I've been away for nearly 8 days on two different conferences.  It was crazy, tiring and fun. I was away with Uni students, and they were so happy and excited about our news.  One girl spent the whole conference saying "Hello Lady, hello babies", every time she saw me.  The second conference was with Earl which was far better.  I missed him so much.  But it was all exhausting, not necessarily physically (I'm resting when I can)  but mentally.  I would love a day off from thinking but with Christmas coming it's looking fairly unlikely.

In terms of symptoms, I have a very noticeable bump.  If you didn't know me you might still think I wasn't pregnant, but if you do, it is very obvious.  The other main symptom is hunger and grumpiness.  I am so moody.  Most days I will have a fall apart cry, and lately my patience has been so very thin.  I snap or snarl at Earl and I hate myself so much for doing it.  And it makes me mad at myself, because I have been blessed so much so I feel I should be happy all the time.  I know that's not life, but I just wish I could control things a bit better and appreciate fully just how blessed I am.

But overall its been a lovely time.  The people who matter, family and close friends, and those who have been watching us in the trenches, could not be more thrilled.  And their love, and their excitement is just a joy to watch.  Even when Earl and I struggle to believe it ourselves.

Thumper has been on my mind.  Thumper, our precious little bub who didn't get all this attention.  I miss him, and I'm so aware of what could have been as I carry his siblings.