"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Friday, May 24, 2013

Birth Story Part 1- the U/S

The boys are wonderful.  They are going really well.  We've had several great days in a row, and Connor is looking like he might be on the cusp of getting bf which is very exciting.  I will write more about the boys and special care in the coming posts, but I thought it was time to start my birth story before it slips out of my head in a wave of expressing enduced exhaustion :)

The day before the boys birth did not start out feeling like the day before their birth.  It was exactly three weeks after I had first walked into the hospital for a check-up and had never been allowed to go out!  But things were looking up.  My blood pressure was perfect, my bloods were normal, and the small level of protein in my urine was still small.  My doctor had kept saying "You've cured yourself!"  And she had given the go-ahead, provided my growth scan was good, for me to go home, and just come in for regular check ups.  After the initial fear had past (its sounds funny, but I had grown to be a bit dependant on the doctors and their daily checks), I was excited.

I don't think it really occured to me that Sebastian's scan wouldn't be good.  Things were just so positive, I guess I just road that wave.  I do remember praying that the scan would be clear, so the doctors could make the best decision.

It was our least favourite U/S tech.

She had actually warmed to us and we had warmed to her, so I wasn't as upset as I had been in the past.   We looked at the boys.  I began to get scared, for though all the health indicators were good, it was clear that Seb was smaller.  The U/S tech told us the weight.  He had not grown.  Not even a little bit.  In two weeks.  The U/S tech excused herself, and I burst into tears.

I think I might have cried to Earl that I was sorry that I had been scared to leave the hospital, but that this was not what I wanted.  I was so scared, so scared for our little boy.  We had heard his heart beat every day, everything had looked good, but why had he stopped growing?  I was so scared.

But God in his kindness brought an Angel.  Named Dr S.

Now Dr S had seen us after our initial scary scan.  I remember saying to Earl "I would trust anything she said".  She had comforted us, she had spoken clearly, she had been amazing.  And in she walked with a smile on her face.

"Congratulations!  Nearly 35 weeks.  You guys should have a Dance Party.

Yes, she really said Dance Party ;)

She explained that while Seb was small, he was mature.  He wasn't a 30 year old baby, despite his size.  He was a 34 year old baby who was small.  All his indicators were healthy.  And given where she had seen us first, at 22 weeks, she said we were in a very good place and our boys would be fine.

I walked out with a smile on my face.  Yes, it was scary to have it pushed forward.  But we had clear indicators that it was time to finish this pregnancy.  And we were going to meet our boys.  I actually felt excited.

Earl took a while to warm up.

Our doctor came in with the news, she wanted them out the next day.  There was a little uncertainty, depending on NICU bed availability, but the assumption was it would go ahead.  I began sending out messages to family and friends. 

Earl hung out with me for the rest of the afternoon.  We talked through the next few days, argued a bit about whether he should cancel his Friday night work commitment (HA- I look forward to reminding him in the future that he thought he could have done work the day after his Sons were born!).  We also talked about our boys, about their names, about how we would tell our family.  It was strange to think it would (probably) be our last night just the two of us.  We talked and we prayed and we cuddled. 

My Dad and my sister dropped by that evening.  It was a special time.  Sis and I just watched TV, but it was good to be together.  After they all left, I had a shower, filled out paper-work for the C-section, then wrote our a prayer.

The prayer I wrote was about everything.  My boys, the operation, but mostly about infertility.  These boys, these miracle babies were about to be born.  I just couldn't believe it.  I don't like to say "it's all worth it", because it down plays the loss, and it never was a garentee while I was in the trenches.  But it is true that these little babies, kicking in my tummy, were worth the six year wait.

I would have loved to go to bed early, and I would have loved it even more if I knew what the next two days were to be like.  But the Midwife (who was awesomely one of my favourites) came in to confirm everything for the next day.  I was to get up and be ready by 8am, because I was number one on the emergency c-section list.

I got to bed by about 11.  I slept well.  I still don't know why.  Earl arrived about 7am, and we sat in my hospital room, and watched the sunrise.  Ready to meet our boys.

Part 2- the Op- coming soon :)


Saturday, May 18, 2013

The roller-coaster that is the Special care nursery

Day 2 out of hospital, day 7 with the boys, I was getting driven into hospital. I was thinking "this isn't so bad.  People told me that having a kid (or two) in SCN is one of the toughest things you'll experience. But it's not so bad."


As Earl later described my subsequent melt down of a day (to a few too many friends for my liking!), take hormones and little sleep, then add in SCN and you have a recipe for disaster.

I express at night. And while I mostly manage 8 hours they are interrupted.

I am so emotional. I have always been, but happy or sad tears are always near the surface since the boys have come along.

And the SCN is tough.

I have always been someone with a strong affinity and attachment to place. I know I will look back on the hospital with fondness, because it is filled with beautiful moments and people.  My first cuddle with Connor. Watching an agitated Seb settle in his Daddy's arms. Coming in on Mother's Day morning to find the nursery had given me a plaque from each boy saying "the best start to life I could have is having you as my Mum."  The nurses who loved our boys and cared for us.

But it's full of tough moments. Not only do others care for my boys, lots of others do. Everybody has different opinions on how often I should express, when I can hold the boys, when to give Connor the bottle, how to breast feed, and how the boys like to be handled.  Every day I say goodbye again and I hate it.  I'm constantly making calls about which twin to hold and help.  And at least for Seb, SCN is three steps forward, two steps back.

Today his tummy was big, and he vomited twice.  It was five hours of hell, waiting for the doctor to
rule out infection and NEC.  And though we are relieved he is well, he is back on a drip until his tummy settles, then it's back to 2mls a feed of breast milk until he can handle more (he was on 17). He is so little, and it seems that even out of the womb, as it was on the inside, it is a struggle to get him to grow.

Connor is going amazing. We are accepting the reality that he will come home first. He is strong and happy  and growing and almost ready to feed without a tube. But it's such a contrast, it makes even this progress a source of concern.

Earl and I have talked about our attitudes to the boys.  Connor is a our joy, he is constantly making us laugh with his cute expressions, and whenever we need cheering up or comforting we just pick him up for a cuddle.  Sebastian is our special treasure, we feel such deep care and concern for him, a protectiveness that overwhelms us. He is the boy that wasn't suppose to make it and so we would do anything to make him thrive.  He is also a very easily agitated bub, which adds to our protectiveness and concern.

Some days are great, and they tend to correspond with sleep-filled nights. The boys are so special and I love holding them and can't believe I will take them home one day. That this is just a temporary moment in their long healthy lives.  But with little sleep, it doesn't feel like it.

Tonight Earl will go in to give Connor his first ever bottle of breast milk at 930pm (he get's food from his tube and is just starting to suck at the breast). I want to go with him. But I will stay home and sleep.  The secret to surviving SCN is doing what's best for the boys. Today it was not holding Seb and letting his tummy go down, even though I missed my cuddles. Tonight it's sleeping (and expressing!) so I can make milk well and be mentally with it for my boys tomorrow. Even though being away from Seb tonight, after the day he's had, is tough. But I can bare it if its best for my precious boys.

And in an unrelated IF relevant moment, despite a slow start my milk supply is rocking, even with my PCOS. So happy and relieved, that was a major prayer point for me through this pregnacy!

Birth story one day, I promise!

And here is what you've been waiting for.  My gorgeous boys! Connor is cubby, Seb is skinny :)

Connor's first cuddle with Mummy

 Little Sebastian on Daddy's chest- just 24 hours old
 Sleeping Sebastian
Sleeping Connor

Aren't they beautiful :)

Love LG

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Boys!

Man I love my boys!

I mean, I knew I would love them, but I'm quite overwhelmed. I think because they are at hospital and I'm at home I really feel it. When I'm away life is off and when I'm with them everything comes together and I feel peace.

I really want to document everything. It's hard because I am so tired. But I will go through everything slowly.

But here are the stats.

We delivered on the 9th of May, due to IUGR of our smallest twin.  At his 34 week scan he had not put on any weight, so our doctor made the call to pull the plug on the pregnancy at 34 weeks and 5 days.  I was put on the emergency Caesar list for the next day. The procedure took place at around 10am.

At 10:20 am approx BH was born. His real name is Connor. He weighed 2.4kg. He came out crying, but after a few minutes needed oxygen.  He was in NICU for about 5 hours where he received breathing help, then was moved to special care. He is very cruise-y, relaxed and sleepy and calm.

At 1022, Dancer was born. He is now known as Sebastian.  He was breathing on his own straight away, I got to kiss him in theatre!  He was a tiny 1.4kg, and had some issues with blood sugar and temp regulation. He is a real wriggler, and fussier than his brother. But he loves cuddles!

They look so different, partly it's size but partly it's just everything. Connor is still prem, but very chubby looking. Everything about Seb is sharper and darker.

Earl is beside himself with love.

They are in hospital but every day make progress.

Birth story next, and some photos soon :)

Thanks for your prayers. I can't believe they are here, not just after the stressful pregnancy but after everything :)
Love LG

Monday, May 13, 2013

They are here and well

Sorry it took me so long to post!

The boys are here and well and wonderful.  I still can't believe it. I told Earl I was worried I'd miss having them on the inside kicking... Not at all, it is so much more wonderful getting to see them and hold them.

They are both in the special care nursery. They are breathing on their own and doing great. I came home today and it was so hard leaving them. But I am so glad they are so well, and that soon they will be coming with us for good.

I have lots to say...but I've been up expressing last night and will be up again tonight, so I better get some sleep. Thanks for your support and prayers. Birth story coming soon :)
Love  LG

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

We meet the boys tomorrow!

Crazy how things change. Growth scan showed Dancer has not grown this fortnight. While he's still looking okay, they think he's better out than in. So I'm booked in for a C section tomorrow.

I've had one final steroid shot. There is a little chance we might wait a day if there is no NICU beds available to us, but tomorrow is most likely.

Please pray. We are nervous, overwhelmed, but also crazy excited. We get to meet our boys.

Don't know when I will update. Will let you know when I can.

It is nice to have a clear cut decision. This is the very best for them.

I don't know what else to say. Super frazzled.

Boys will be 34 weeks and 6 days.

Monday, May 6, 2013

34 and 4

I'm not sure howI got here. Either are the doctors. As they keep telling me, pe should progress, not regress. But that is what is happening.

There is even talk of sending me home. I'm both excited and a bit nervous about that, weird to go from 4 hourly monitoring to every second day.  But it would be worth it to be home with Earl. And if tomorrow's growth scan goes well, we will book in for a 36 week Caesar.

Just Unbelievable. It is still possible that the pe will pick up and we will deliver sooner. But even so 35 weeks is more likely than not. And maybe even take home babies.
Unbelievable. Praise God!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The rapid approach of 34 weeks

If someone had told me, nearly two weeks ago, that I would be less than 48 hours away from 34 weeks, that my boys would be kicking away at the ipad as I wrote these words, that my doctor would be talking about whether next week we should be thinking about delivering regardless of how my pe is going because 34 is a good stage for the boys, and Dancer might grow faster on the outside...well, it would feel like a happy impossible dream. But here I am.

It's been hard to update, when Earl is here, I don't want to blog on his ipad, I want to talk with him. But I thought it was time for some news.

The roller coaster continued. Over the weekend bloods suggested my pe was getting worse, and doc said that if I had another high reading we would deliver Monday/Tuesday. My panic was short lived, for my bloods were great! Dopplers, CTG, blood pressure, everything suggests my pe is slow moving. So my doc will talk on Friday (34 week!!!!!!!!!!) with her team and decide if we pick a delivery date. So it looks like next week might be the week.

Everyone has been amazing. Dad visits every day. My mother in law and sister in law put together what would be my hospital bag. My BFF keeps offering me random baby stuff. Facebook is a sea of well wishes and prayer.

I get bored, but I don't care. My boys are growing and we are almost 34 weeks. It's remarkable!

My belly is huge, my GD is really annoyed (hypo-ing regularly). I'm sleeping okay. Weight is 84 kgs- 16 up. I crave anything with spices because hospital food is so bland. Boys move all the time, and have reputations for being naughty because they move so much when we measure their heart rates! That is my limited update for this week :)

Thanks for your support!