"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Ten Months and the challenge of honesty and thankfulness

It's been over three months since I've posted.

One of the things that I really struggle with when it comes to facebook is that there are two "sins" that I don't want to commit.

The first one is "fakeness".  I don't want to be one of those people who posts beautiful happy photos and gushes about my perfect life when things are tough.

The second one is a lack of thankfulness.  I used to find it so hard to hear people who spent their time complaining about their kids when they should be thankful for the incredible gift that they are.

I think these "sins" are ones I am conscious of on this blog as well, particularly when I think about the last three months.  Is that why I haven't written.  No, it's just that time on my computer is very limited and I've been busy and tired.  The boys until this week have been very unsettled in the early evening so I haven't really had many evenings to rest.  And when I have I've usually been hanging with family or Earl and that has been the priority.  But Earl is watching NBA/AFL and the boys are actually sleeping well so I thought I'd drop in briefly before I work on another thing I've been missing- novel writing.

So, the last three months have been hard.  The long and short of it is that Earl has been suffering depression.  It took me a while to figure it out (and a little while to convince him), but it explained so much when we figured it out.  Why our marriage had been such hard work.  Why Earl had been so withdrawn.  Why Earl was so negative about his work when things were actually going well. Having a husband who is depressed is hard work, having a husband who is depressed while parenting twins is really hard work.  He was still enjoying the boys of course, but he just didn't have much energy for them, and pretty much none for me. 

He's been seeing a counsellor and is doing a lot better.  And I'm really seeing the difference in life, and starting to feel a bit more on top of things again.  Not many people tell you how big an impact kids have on your marriage.  But it feels like we are finally making head-way in prioritising each other again and it's a blessing.

The other tough factor is that the boys do not sleep.  On a good night Connor will sleep through, but Sebastian is up usually three times in the night. On a bad night Connor is woken up too, and spends most of the night in our bed.  Coping with 10 months of little sleep is pretty overwhelming, and while I cope with the day, the nights are so hard.  We are signed up to sleep school in May, and I'm just hanging out until the time.

But that's the strange thing.  Even though it's been a really tough 3 months to leave it at that is just half the picture.  The truth is though life is tough it is also amazingly beautiful.  Every month with the boys is better and better as their sweet, fun personalities begin to emerge.  I have loved, loved, loved being a Mum to these special little guys.

Connor is hilarious.  He has the most infectious- breathy laugh and he is so easy to make laugh.  His smile lights up his whole face.  He isn't crawling much yet, though he does occasional proper crawls but he mainly just commando's around the place in a strange move which looks like the butterfly in swimming.  He is pretty fast and strong despite that.  He pulled to stand 2 weeks after Sebbie but has caught up quickly and is pulling himself up on everything and only needs one hand to balance.  He is very needy when he falls, even though he's learnt now to land on his bottom.  He is super clingy to me and is always wanting to snack on Milk and I'm still working out how to break him of this.  He loves his brother, is always laughing when he sees him and tends to follow him round the house.  He is my snuggler buggler, always moving in for kisses and nuzzling necks.  He always tries to touch and kiss other babies so I am always running interference!  He says Mama when he's sad and Da Da when he's happy as well as Aba and nana

Sebbie is my crazy crawler- he is so fast.  He always makes people start because he can crawl and pull himself up to stand on furniture, and yet he is still the size of a three month old.  Sebbie loves exploring, and particularly following.  Earl and he are always playing games, Earl walks around the house and Sebbie chases, or Earl puts a dummy in his mouth and Sebbie tries to grab it.  He laughs and laughs.  His smile is so beautiful and he smiles all the time.  He crawls up to me and pulls himself up on my pant leg and just grins at me. He has only just this week started getting interested in Connor and now they always hang out together, leaning on the cabnet, or playing on their activity table, or taking toys from each other (they never fight, they just take turns pulling it from each others fingers and keep smiling through the process).  Sebbie says Deda and Gega and Mama.

Connor will eat anything and loves eating from and playing with spoons.  Sebbie prefers feeding himself and is quite fussy.  They eat bread and yoghurt and rice cereal everyday and I've been giving them various soft stews as well as peas and corn, egg, sticks of capsicum or cucumber, and roast veggies.  They eat off our plates too.  They are very messy but meals times are lots of fun.  We do prayers in the morning after breakfast and read our kids Bible, then we sing some songs. 

They have no health problems, and are on track developmentally.  It is crazy to think that they had such a scary start.  We can't imagine life without them.

Still no teeth.

Every week there is something new and special. 

Yesterday I had organised an event with my Mums group and everybody pulled out.  This is the kind of thing that crushes me and I cried on the way home.  When I was home I put the boys in their highchairs and gave them dinner.  They were laughing with each other, trying to work out how to eat tiny peas without many fine motor skills.  I just looked at them and just felt so happy.  That is my life.  Hard and overwhelming and wonderful.  All rolled into one. 

Loving following everyone's stories.  I'm not the only one who blogs less but I guess that's just how it is.  Excited for many friends who are embarking on new adventures.  Still praying for those who are dealing with disappointments and discouragement.

Can't promise I will write regularly but I will try.
love LG

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