One of the hardest things about IF is that just when you pull yourself together, something happens that makes you fall apart again.
It has been a pretty good week overall. I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog, but in my spare time I am a writer. I have been writing a novel for the last 5 years (Ironically I started right when we started trying for kiddies) and am very close to completion. Anyway, this week I was able to spend lots of time on it, and I love it. Really, the happiest I ever am is when I'm writing. Partly it's just living out the life of my character, who faces pretty tough things but whose "happily ever after" I have complete control over. But it makes me so happy, and it's been a Godsend with the news of last week.
Earlier in the week when I had not been coping, I booked an appointment with a Therapist. So yesterday I went in. It was wonderful. She was wonderful. It was like talking to my old therapist. She was filled with hope, so enthusiastic about my chances. She had some really helpful info about Embryo donation- including that the waiting lists at our clinic had gone down to as low as 3 months! I came out feeling like we would have a baby soon, and if we couldn't, then embryo donation would actually be a really great alternative.
That afternoon we had our appointment with our doctor. Not so positive. He looked at our embryo quality, and said everything looked good. He was happy with fertilisation, happy with how they turned out. But once again they didn't stick. He said his money was on genetically abnormal embryos.
We are going to go ahead with one more stimulated cycle after our frozen transfer. But he doesn't think this is something that can go on forever. He thinks there isn't much more they can do after that.
Earl and I had an emotional couple of hours talking about it. Talking about embryo adoption. Re-talking about donor eggs. It was tough. But good. I felt like I pulled myself together.
I had a great night, celebrating my birthday with Earl's family.
Then as we headed home, Earl told me some news.
My friend Mrs L is pregnant again.
Mrs L is my friend who was trying similiar time as me. Who got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. Who had one frozen embryo that didn't survive the thaw. Who decided with her husband that they weren't up for another cycle now, that they would wait a few years, and then try again.
Pregnant naturally.
I love her, I love her son and I will love her child. I don't begrudge this.
BUT WHERE IS MY MIRACLE!
It's funny. You do your best to think positively about your situation. You decide it's okay that you didn't get pregnant right away. You decide that it's okay that conception doesn't happens through s3x. You decide that its okay that it takes a while, as long as it happens. You decide, finally, that maybe it will be okay if they are not genetically my kids, because at least I will have a baby.
Then someone gets what you so desperately want and you think. Yes, I'm okay with all this. But why do I have to make all these compromises when someone in exactly the same situation as me, gets everything!
Think it's time for another trip to the counsellor. 24 hours later.
LG
PS Love to HJ, I am so very, very sorry about your BFN. You know, I keep having these dreams that one day I will go to the US and meet you and we will have children to show each other. I am still praying for that to happen friend. I'm so sorry.
Showing posts with label embryo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embryo. Show all posts
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Processing the News
It's been a very, very hard nearly 42 hours.
I got my first site of bleeding during a dinner with friends. It was all I could do to smile and be polite through it when I really wanted to go to bed and howl! But they left and I told Earl and we cried together.
Day 2 I got the heavy bleeding and knew there was no hope. It was a tough day, I had organised to see my SIL and nephew and was trying to decide if it would help or hinder. It helped. Nephew is such a treasure! As I looked at him, I thought to myself "This is worth it. Even though this path is hard, it is worth it to create someone precious like this". I felt detirmined. Though Earl pointed out when I told him this, no matter how detirmined we are or how hard we try, that doesn't gareentee us a baby.
Today was really tough. It was an emotional day anyway, moving my Grandmother's piano to my house, as she and Pa are moving into a retirement villiage. Earl has been a trooper. Rediculous numbers of cuddles, lovely words, even flowers. I am feeling very sad, but very loved.
We named our babies Alfred and Ian- the first and middle names of Earl's Pa who passed away two weeks ago. I love the idea of them all meeting in heaven. But I wish they could have stayed.
We have one embryo left from this cycle, and can decide this week if we want to go straight in or wait. I think I want to go straight in. I've also booked an appointment with my doc next week so we can talk about this cycle and the future.
Earl feels like now is not the time to give up on genetic children. I suspect (if the doctor agrees) we might do one more fresh cycle, before exploring embryo adoption. Of course, I want our last little one to make it and for there to be no future cycles to think about for a while, but it's hard to be positive after a week like this.
LG
I got my first site of bleeding during a dinner with friends. It was all I could do to smile and be polite through it when I really wanted to go to bed and howl! But they left and I told Earl and we cried together.
Day 2 I got the heavy bleeding and knew there was no hope. It was a tough day, I had organised to see my SIL and nephew and was trying to decide if it would help or hinder. It helped. Nephew is such a treasure! As I looked at him, I thought to myself "This is worth it. Even though this path is hard, it is worth it to create someone precious like this". I felt detirmined. Though Earl pointed out when I told him this, no matter how detirmined we are or how hard we try, that doesn't gareentee us a baby.
Today was really tough. It was an emotional day anyway, moving my Grandmother's piano to my house, as she and Pa are moving into a retirement villiage. Earl has been a trooper. Rediculous numbers of cuddles, lovely words, even flowers. I am feeling very sad, but very loved.
We named our babies Alfred and Ian- the first and middle names of Earl's Pa who passed away two weeks ago. I love the idea of them all meeting in heaven. But I wish they could have stayed.
We have one embryo left from this cycle, and can decide this week if we want to go straight in or wait. I think I want to go straight in. I've also booked an appointment with my doc next week so we can talk about this cycle and the future.
Earl feels like now is not the time to give up on genetic children. I suspect (if the doctor agrees) we might do one more fresh cycle, before exploring embryo adoption. Of course, I want our last little one to make it and for there to be no future cycles to think about for a while, but it's hard to be positive after a week like this.
LG
Friday, March 23, 2012
Eleven Eggs, and count down to fertilisation report
We have Eleven Eggs!!!
The op was as good as could be expected, I was alot less nervous than I normally am, and when I woke up I could just read my chart at the end of the bed which said 11 eggs. My first retrieval ever I had 3, and I kept asking Earl over and over again, is it really only three, is it really only three. Now I was asking the nurses over and over again "Is it really 11".
I'm aware that because I was more "out" than I was previously, that it could just be that they got more tiny eggs (because before there were sometimes tiny ones that they didn't worry about because it might be too painful to retrieve). But I am still pretty excited. Still feeling quite woosy and tired today, hoping that clear away soon. Earl bought me "The Hunger Games" book to read and I've managed to gobble the whole thing up through my recovery period :)
It has been such a crazy time, such a full on thing, and yet there are things to do, events to go to. I just realised I will be hanging with my friend when they call up with egg results. I would have never done that in the past, I would have nervously sat by the phone with Earl, but I guess we are in a situation where results are likely to be pretty good, or at least, not bad.
Earl has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. IVF brings out this beautiful side of him, this caring doctory, lovey-dovey side. Reminded again I am lucky to have him, whatever the outcome.
Feeling good. Feeling like there is a chance that one of those eleven eggies might make a baby.
Please God!
love LG
The op was as good as could be expected, I was alot less nervous than I normally am, and when I woke up I could just read my chart at the end of the bed which said 11 eggs. My first retrieval ever I had 3, and I kept asking Earl over and over again, is it really only three, is it really only three. Now I was asking the nurses over and over again "Is it really 11".
I'm aware that because I was more "out" than I was previously, that it could just be that they got more tiny eggs (because before there were sometimes tiny ones that they didn't worry about because it might be too painful to retrieve). But I am still pretty excited. Still feeling quite woosy and tired today, hoping that clear away soon. Earl bought me "The Hunger Games" book to read and I've managed to gobble the whole thing up through my recovery period :)
It has been such a crazy time, such a full on thing, and yet there are things to do, events to go to. I just realised I will be hanging with my friend when they call up with egg results. I would have never done that in the past, I would have nervously sat by the phone with Earl, but I guess we are in a situation where results are likely to be pretty good, or at least, not bad.
Earl has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. IVF brings out this beautiful side of him, this caring doctory, lovey-dovey side. Reminded again I am lucky to have him, whatever the outcome.
Feeling good. Feeling like there is a chance that one of those eleven eggies might make a baby.
Please God!
love LG
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday it is, and a the weird happy/sad results
Friday it is. We will find out after 3pm what time, but we have the day, I have the ultra complicated adding powder to liquid injection to do, and then we have lift off. The doctor and the nurse are happy with the numbers and size, they seem smaller and less than I remember there should be, so I am a bit lost at how to think. The nurse seemed surprised that i should be worried. Doc thinks there are four good ones, and we might get some of the smaller ones if we are lucky.
Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.
He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.
Hard to hear just before a cycle.
Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.
But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.
And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.
Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.
So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.
LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.
Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.
He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.
Hard to hear just before a cycle.
Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.
But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.
And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.
Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.
So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.
LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A decision we are comfortable with and uncertain next steps
Today we had our first appointment, this was an appointment with the genetic counsellor. We discussed the Genetic testing dilemma, both assuming at the start of the interview that we would be going ahead with it.
In the end, both of us, and the counsellor, came to the conclusion that Genetic testing wasn't the way to go for us. We had explained our position on things, and she commented that the Genetic testing wouldn't even necessarily tell us what we need to know, whether we were unable to produce healthy embryos. Just because one round of IVF produces all or no Genetic abnormalities, does not mean that future ones will or won't. She was great, she was very open to hearing our views, and once she understood our position we felt she was on our side and working out things from our perspective.
So, Genetic testing is off the table. This is both a relief and a bit scary. Scary because it does seem to take us closer to the "there are no answers" scenario. But a relief because we are avoid at least one minefield in this drama!
I also grabbed a brochure, and have been reading up on embryo donation in Australia. It is still a process that I am a little excited about. The counsellor estimated we would be 18 months on a waiting list, maybe less if we were willing to have a non-matched baby (as in, a baby that is not ethnically or physically similar to us). But as she kept reminding me, we are not there yet.
Tomorrow is the nurses interview, where we will tell them our decision and begin the process for a standard IVF cycle. We will try in the mean-time for another meeting with our doctor to discuss if there are any uterus related treatments he can try us on.
Exhausted, happy with the decisions, but exhausted.
LG
In the end, both of us, and the counsellor, came to the conclusion that Genetic testing wasn't the way to go for us. We had explained our position on things, and she commented that the Genetic testing wouldn't even necessarily tell us what we need to know, whether we were unable to produce healthy embryos. Just because one round of IVF produces all or no Genetic abnormalities, does not mean that future ones will or won't. She was great, she was very open to hearing our views, and once she understood our position we felt she was on our side and working out things from our perspective.
So, Genetic testing is off the table. This is both a relief and a bit scary. Scary because it does seem to take us closer to the "there are no answers" scenario. But a relief because we are avoid at least one minefield in this drama!
I also grabbed a brochure, and have been reading up on embryo donation in Australia. It is still a process that I am a little excited about. The counsellor estimated we would be 18 months on a waiting list, maybe less if we were willing to have a non-matched baby (as in, a baby that is not ethnically or physically similar to us). But as she kept reminding me, we are not there yet.
Tomorrow is the nurses interview, where we will tell them our decision and begin the process for a standard IVF cycle. We will try in the mean-time for another meeting with our doctor to discuss if there are any uterus related treatments he can try us on.
Exhausted, happy with the decisions, but exhausted.
LG
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Beginning of the End
There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
Saturday, October 15, 2011
To Thumper, and good news
Two of our little eggs fertilised.
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
I am so happy.
I know that two fertilisations don't gareentee two little embryos by Wednesday but it is looking good. I am incredibly thankful to God for this answered prayer.
And I am thankful to God for Thumper. Yesterday was Baby Loss Awareness day. And praise God, Yesterday was a good Thumper day. A day where all I felt was love and joy for the little one that I had, and not the terrible achey horribleness.
And on this day too, I want to acknowledge all my little embryos. I know I talk about Thumper alot more than them, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and think of them.
To all my babies- Mummy loves you and is proud to have given you life, even for such a short while!
Praying so hard for our two new little babies :)
LG
Friday, October 14, 2011
3 eggs
We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.
I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.
One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.
I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.
Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.
I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG
I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.
One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.
I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.
Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.
I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Awkward meeting and who to tell about IVF
This morning I went in for a blood-test. As I was leaving the waiting room I looked up and spotted someone I knew. I was so surprised, so thrown by this that i gave an embarrassed "hi" and bolted through the door.
For various reasons we had suspected that her and her husband might be trying, and might have even been having trouble. They are nice people. We like them and they like us and I suspect if situations and friendship circles were different they probably would have been close friends.
But they are not close friends, and it is strange, walking out of a room knowing we are both doing IVF, with neither of us necessarily intending to tell each other that fact. Yet now we know.
Different people are more open than others about the whole infertility thing. I have friends who are happy as anything to say that their little girl and boy are IVF babies. I have friends who haven't even made it public that they had any trouble conceiving- much less how the conception took place.
Tim and I are somewhere in the middle. If we do have a baby, we would probably tell people about our struggle, because we've learnt so much and we are pretty open people. But IVF is not something we want out-in-the-open.
It is not that we are ashamed. We thought, prayed, and worked really hard to think about whether IVF was something we felt comfortable with Ethically. And we are more than happy with the choices we've made, not the least because we have so many beloved Embryos in heaven, because of the gift of IVF.
It is just that there are consequences of telling people we don't want to deal with.
We do not want to have conversations with people who think it is wrong, particularly because we have children in heaven we love because of it- and those kind of conversations are emotionally tough. We have had one such conversation once and we do not want to have it again!
We don't want to have people judge us or our faith by this decision. We are happy to say we believe that IVF under certain conditions is appropriate, but we do not want people to make rash, wrong decisions about our character because of it.
We do not want to cause any pain to people who have decided for their own reasons that IVF is not for them. How tough for them to hear constantly about other people's success (not that this is our issue yet!)
And particularly, we don't want people to think any differently about any children we have. Whatever children we have through IVF are going to be as precious and NATURAL as any baby whose have not, and we want to leave the decision of talking about how they were conceived in the hands of our kid/s.
And finally, no one else has to talk about the specifics of how their babies came into being, it is a personal matter, and nobodies business.
Of course, it's funny to be saying this on a blog where I talk about IVF all the time. The truth is that we speak about IVF where it is helpful. We have told friends who support us, mentors who encourage us, and family that are there for us.
We have told my parent's but not Earl's, because Mum's support really helps me, whereas Earl just doesn't lean on his parents that way.
We have, in hindsight, told more people than we would like, and the fact is it leaks out accidentally, usually when one friend mentions it to another, assuming we would have told.
But so far, not telling has been a blessing.
Bloodtest today, hopefully Ultra Sound and bloods on Friday.
Praying once again, for a baby. This time one that stays.
LG
For various reasons we had suspected that her and her husband might be trying, and might have even been having trouble. They are nice people. We like them and they like us and I suspect if situations and friendship circles were different they probably would have been close friends.
But they are not close friends, and it is strange, walking out of a room knowing we are both doing IVF, with neither of us necessarily intending to tell each other that fact. Yet now we know.
Different people are more open than others about the whole infertility thing. I have friends who are happy as anything to say that their little girl and boy are IVF babies. I have friends who haven't even made it public that they had any trouble conceiving- much less how the conception took place.
Tim and I are somewhere in the middle. If we do have a baby, we would probably tell people about our struggle, because we've learnt so much and we are pretty open people. But IVF is not something we want out-in-the-open.
It is not that we are ashamed. We thought, prayed, and worked really hard to think about whether IVF was something we felt comfortable with Ethically. And we are more than happy with the choices we've made, not the least because we have so many beloved Embryos in heaven, because of the gift of IVF.
It is just that there are consequences of telling people we don't want to deal with.
We do not want to have conversations with people who think it is wrong, particularly because we have children in heaven we love because of it- and those kind of conversations are emotionally tough. We have had one such conversation once and we do not want to have it again!
We don't want to have people judge us or our faith by this decision. We are happy to say we believe that IVF under certain conditions is appropriate, but we do not want people to make rash, wrong decisions about our character because of it.
We do not want to cause any pain to people who have decided for their own reasons that IVF is not for them. How tough for them to hear constantly about other people's success (not that this is our issue yet!)
And particularly, we don't want people to think any differently about any children we have. Whatever children we have through IVF are going to be as precious and NATURAL as any baby whose have not, and we want to leave the decision of talking about how they were conceived in the hands of our kid/s.
And finally, no one else has to talk about the specifics of how their babies came into being, it is a personal matter, and nobodies business.
Of course, it's funny to be saying this on a blog where I talk about IVF all the time. The truth is that we speak about IVF where it is helpful. We have told friends who support us, mentors who encourage us, and family that are there for us.
We have told my parent's but not Earl's, because Mum's support really helps me, whereas Earl just doesn't lean on his parents that way.
We have, in hindsight, told more people than we would like, and the fact is it leaks out accidentally, usually when one friend mentions it to another, assuming we would have told.
But so far, not telling has been a blessing.
Bloodtest today, hopefully Ultra Sound and bloods on Friday.
Praying once again, for a baby. This time one that stays.
LG
Monday, August 22, 2011
Some more thoughts on the SSP and next steps
I have now had nearly had 24 hours to process my SSP.
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
IT is still really hard to know how to think.
In many ways, I feel exactly as I did before the beta. There is a chance that I will have a baby, there is a chance we will not. There is no finality or answers. It is just a continuation of the unknown.
But at the same time it is also very different, because of what it might mean.
The weird cramps and the unusual amount of bloating has a reason behind it. And whatever happens, we have another implantation. My evil killer Uterus has done the right thing once again. Is it the accupunction? It is the weight loss? I don't know what caused it but something has worked.
This little one was always a slight increased risk of a biochemical pregnancy, because the "baby" bit of the embryo was quite a bit smaller than I've seen in previous embryos. But maybe there is a baby still there and growing, it just needs to catch up a bit?
I don't know.
Praying like crazy. Have to wait until Thursday for my next beta, to see if it doubles or increases to the rates they expect.
But I'm still bloated and still haven't bleed, which is much more than I can say from the last time this happened.
Really praying this baby makes it,
LG
Sunday, August 21, 2011
SSP
I'm making up a new word.
A Small Skinny Positive.
That is what I got.
The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.
So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.
I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.
But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,
LG
A Small Skinny Positive.
That is what I got.
The beta was 37, when a BFP would be over 100. As the nurse said, it's a mixed result. It's not a good result, but people do occasionally go on to have pregnancies after such low results.
So I really don't know how to think. This has happened before, we had a 20 beta last year. It doubled as it should for a while, but then died out.
I'm not sad, I'm not devastated.
But I'm not happy either. It's all just weird and strange. I really want this baby to survive.
Please pray,
LG
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A year ago
To explain about this week I have to go back to this time last year.
This time last year, I was having a transfer.
This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.
So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.
I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.
And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.
This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.
It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.
A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.
I'm actually going okay.
Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.
And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.
So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.
Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy
LG
This time last year, I was having a transfer.
This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.
So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.
I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.
And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.
This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.
It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.
A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.
I'm actually going okay.
Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.
And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.
So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.
Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy
LG
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Very cute little cells
Remember how I said I was feeling overly confident and had no nerves?
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Update on next steps
I've actually had a good day today. Been a while. Just really been struggling. Earl's Grandma died on Tuesday and the shock of it has really sent me off the edge. Really cannot cope with one more horrible hard thing right now! But a really lovely Bible study today has really helped to put my mind back together for at least the moment.
So I thought I'd record where we are at.
Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.
March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.
I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...
I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!
LG
So I thought I'd record where we are at.
Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.
March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.
I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...
I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!
LG
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A month on
It has now been over a month since we found out our precious Thumper had gone.
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.
LG
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.
LG
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Back to the waiting game
We had the ultra-sound. Almost without realising it was about to happen, there was little baby with a very obvious heart beat. I couldn't believe it. It was so precious!
The ultra-sound lady took a measurement and said they were a week smaller than expected. Is that a problem? 'It sometimes happens with IVF" she said, but she reassured us.
I thought I'd ring up the clinic just to see if we should be worried at 3pm. There was no need. At 2:30 I got the call. "We got your results back and it's not looking good".
But, but, but, we saw a heart beat?!?
24 hours of hell. So, so sure the baby would go at any minute. Until I talked to the counsellor and was reassured- it still might go on. It just also might not.
And so we are back in the waiting game. And ever almost throw-up and ever day without bleeding is an answered prayer.
Three options:
-Misscarriage this week.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby hasn't grown enough this week. More waiting, more bad signs.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby has grown enough this week. Good sign. Not out of the woods. But maybe back in the normalish territory.
You can guess what I pray for.
Trying not to think about the future. Just today. And maybe the day after.
Lady Grey
The ultra-sound lady took a measurement and said they were a week smaller than expected. Is that a problem? 'It sometimes happens with IVF" she said, but she reassured us.
I thought I'd ring up the clinic just to see if we should be worried at 3pm. There was no need. At 2:30 I got the call. "We got your results back and it's not looking good".
But, but, but, we saw a heart beat?!?
24 hours of hell. So, so sure the baby would go at any minute. Until I talked to the counsellor and was reassured- it still might go on. It just also might not.
And so we are back in the waiting game. And ever almost throw-up and ever day without bleeding is an answered prayer.
Three options:
-Misscarriage this week.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby hasn't grown enough this week. More waiting, more bad signs.
-Next weeks follow up ultra sound- baby has grown enough this week. Good sign. Not out of the woods. But maybe back in the normalish territory.
You can guess what I pray for.
Trying not to think about the future. Just today. And maybe the day after.
Lady Grey
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Update
Not good.
Bleeding whole weekend.
Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation
Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces
Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.
And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".
And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"
Blood test tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.
It seems like a cruel joke.
I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.
I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.
So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.
Please God
A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey
Bleeding whole weekend.
Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation
Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces
Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.
And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".
And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"
Blood test tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.
It seems like a cruel joke.
I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.
I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.
So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.
Please God
A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey
Friday, July 23, 2010
My crazy week
The last four days since I have posted have been the strangest, craziest days of this whole IF process.
As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.
I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".
Clare said she would pray too.
The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.
Ring Ring
"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"
"Yep, they are looking fine"
"What, I mean, what do you mean?"
(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"
"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)
"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".
"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".
Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.
When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".
24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.
I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.
I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.
Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".
She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.
The bleeding continued.
So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.
It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.
But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope
And to tell the truth.
For the first time in around 3 years.
I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey
As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.
I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".
Clare said she would pray too.
The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.
Ring Ring
"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"
"Yep, they are looking fine"
"What, I mean, what do you mean?"
(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"
"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)
"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".
"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".
Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.
When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".
24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.
I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.
I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.
Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".
She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.
The bleeding continued.
So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.
It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.
But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope
And to tell the truth.
For the first time in around 3 years.
I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Update
Feels strange to update a blog with no body reading- but I feel that I might as well. This blog might one day be something worth looking back on- when all these details that are so fresh and raw grow stale.
This was today.
7am- Pregnancy Blood test
8am- reading
9am-hang with husband
11am-walk
12pm- bleeding
12:01pm- Running around the house screaming and crying "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.
Then it got to 12:30pm- and I called to hear the words that I wasn't pregnant.
I didn't hear those words
I didn't hear the words I longed to hear.
I heard this.
"Your level is only 20, which means that it is very unlikely that you are going to be pregnant. Normal level is 100"
It's such a strange feeling. It's both not as bad as it could be and yet it's not really good. It's like a disappointment and its kinda not. It's not that I have hope. I don't. I know that this little embryo inside me is either dead or dying.
But it feels like something. It feels like a step, a bit of new information, a change from the usual no, no, no.
It feels like maybe, just maybe, this might one day happen.
I am of course praying to the God of miricles that if my little one is dying that he will save her.
It's so hard. Tim is taking it way harder than me. Anything that involves any medicine just confuses him. I keep forgetting I've eaten, sleepen, and drunk infertility information for three and a half years. He's just figured stuff out as he's gone along. SO when I tell him that our embroy is most likely dying- his face just feel.
I still grieve like crazy. Seven embryos is such a huge number- and part of me just wants to fall apart. Am I stupid to keep hoping? I let Tim name our last little one (he called him William). I think I'll let him name this little one too.
Today when I was lying in bed Tim came in and held me. He said "I promise you that I will do everything I can, and you will have a happy life. I promise that when you are old you will be surrounded by people who love you.
That is my biggest fear. Being Old. Alone.
LG
This was today.
7am- Pregnancy Blood test
8am- reading
9am-hang with husband
11am-walk
12pm- bleeding
12:01pm- Running around the house screaming and crying "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.
Then it got to 12:30pm- and I called to hear the words that I wasn't pregnant.
I didn't hear those words
I didn't hear the words I longed to hear.
I heard this.
"Your level is only 20, which means that it is very unlikely that you are going to be pregnant. Normal level is 100"
It's such a strange feeling. It's both not as bad as it could be and yet it's not really good. It's like a disappointment and its kinda not. It's not that I have hope. I don't. I know that this little embryo inside me is either dead or dying.
But it feels like something. It feels like a step, a bit of new information, a change from the usual no, no, no.
It feels like maybe, just maybe, this might one day happen.
I am of course praying to the God of miricles that if my little one is dying that he will save her.
It's so hard. Tim is taking it way harder than me. Anything that involves any medicine just confuses him. I keep forgetting I've eaten, sleepen, and drunk infertility information for three and a half years. He's just figured stuff out as he's gone along. SO when I tell him that our embroy is most likely dying- his face just feel.
I still grieve like crazy. Seven embryos is such a huge number- and part of me just wants to fall apart. Am I stupid to keep hoping? I let Tim name our last little one (he called him William). I think I'll let him name this little one too.
Today when I was lying in bed Tim came in and held me. He said "I promise you that I will do everything I can, and you will have a happy life. I promise that when you are old you will be surrounded by people who love you.
That is my biggest fear. Being Old. Alone.
LG
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Number 6
One of the great things about having a blog that no one knows about so no one reads is that I don't have to worry about how often I write on it.
Today they transfered another embryo.
That embryo- which was frozen at the point of fertilisation- is currently only at 3 cells, though it seems to be still growing, so the chances that he will make it are slimmer than normal (Tim and I usually pick a gender that we think our embryo is- and funnily enough we usually agree). But I love him and I want him to stay.
On the side of my blog i have put a picture I took of five flowers- white carnations. For mothers day at church flowers are given out to all the Mum's as an acknowledgement of them. At the end of the day, because they were there and I could- I picked up five flowers- one for each little embryo. Because even if I don't want everyone at church to know that I really am a mother- I wanted them acknowleged. But now I need a new picture. I am a mother of six.
Today at the fertility clinic Tim and I overhead another women (there for a transfer or pick-up) giving her birthday. She was born in 1968. I was born in 1980.
Put's things in perspective.
And hope resurfaces.
Don't know if it's a good thing.
Regards,
Lady Grey
Today they transfered another embryo.
That embryo- which was frozen at the point of fertilisation- is currently only at 3 cells, though it seems to be still growing, so the chances that he will make it are slimmer than normal (Tim and I usually pick a gender that we think our embryo is- and funnily enough we usually agree). But I love him and I want him to stay.
On the side of my blog i have put a picture I took of five flowers- white carnations. For mothers day at church flowers are given out to all the Mum's as an acknowledgement of them. At the end of the day, because they were there and I could- I picked up five flowers- one for each little embryo. Because even if I don't want everyone at church to know that I really am a mother- I wanted them acknowleged. But now I need a new picture. I am a mother of six.
Today at the fertility clinic Tim and I overhead another women (there for a transfer or pick-up) giving her birthday. She was born in 1968. I was born in 1980.
Put's things in perspective.
And hope resurfaces.
Don't know if it's a good thing.
Regards,
Lady Grey
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