It is strange writing this. No body knows that I've written it except my husband and he wouldn't know where to look for it if it crossed his mind to do so.
Why am I writing this blog, that is currently to nobody, and might some day be read by somebody.
Because I'm sick of the half-truths of my life.
People who know me, even those who know me pretty well, are always talking about how happy I am.
And when I write on my not-anonymous blog, a similar impression comes across.
For a long time I've thought that it might be nice to write a blog where I can actually write about the hardest, and (lets face it) most interesting part of my life.
But I've put it off. Often because I think- what if I get pregnant straight after I wrote it? Then it will be a totally wasted blog space.
So why today?
Today we found out that our fifth little embryo who made it to the womb didn't make it.
And my heart is sick.
And I thought- I'm sick of the half-truth that is my life. I'm sick of the pain. And even though this feeling will past, and the roller coaster of IVF will start again- at the moment I feel as if I will never be pregnant.
And so I started a blog.
Dear little Esther,
I love you so very much. I wanted you so badly.
My heart is breaking over you.