I want to be happy.
I want to be happy so badly.
Yesterday I managed it. I caught up with a good friend who has just started "seeing" another good friend. I love them both, and I love the excitement of new and exciting relationships. I was happy.
But as I said to my husband this morning as I lay depressed on my bed- there is only so much happiness you can drain from other people's exciting lives.
I'm so low.
The next cycle starts tonight. My period pain is dull and horrid.
I have no hope. No hope at all. I know God can do anything- I just don't think he wants to.
I want a baby. And I can't have one.
Today at playgroup there were two adorable girls. The older one who hung off my arm, trying to get my attention. The younger one who has the name that Tim and I have picked out if we ever, ever get our hoped for, prayed for little girl.
The elder one said to me "Your name is not Jane".
Little one "Not Jane"
Who am i then? I asked
The little one put on the biggest grin in the world and grabbed my hand and said "Mommy Jane".
My heart melted and broke at the same time.