As Earl later described my subsequent melt down of a day (to a few too many friends for my liking!), take hormones and little sleep, then add in SCN and you have a recipe for disaster.
I express at night. And while I mostly manage 8 hours they are interrupted.
I am so emotional. I have always been, but happy or sad tears are always near the surface since the boys have come along.
And the SCN is tough.
I have always been someone with a strong affinity and attachment to place. I know I will look back on the hospital with fondness, because it is filled with beautiful moments and people. My first cuddle with Connor. Watching an agitated Seb settle in his Daddy's arms. Coming in on Mother's Day morning to find the nursery had given me a plaque from each boy saying "the best start to life I could have is having you as my Mum." The nurses who loved our boys and cared for us.
But it's full of tough moments. Not only do others care for my boys, lots of others do. Everybody has different opinions on how often I should express, when I can hold the boys, when to give Connor the bottle, how to breast feed, and how the boys like to be handled. Every day I say goodbye again and I hate it. I'm constantly making calls about which twin to hold and help. And at least for Seb, SCN is three steps forward, two steps back.
Today his tummy was big, and he vomited twice. It was five hours of hell, waiting for the doctor to
rule out infection and NEC. And though we are relieved he is well, he is back on a drip until his tummy settles, then it's back to 2mls a feed of breast milk until he can handle more (he was on 17). He is so little, and it seems that even out of the womb, as it was on the inside, it is a struggle to get him to grow.
Connor is going amazing. We are accepting the reality that he will come home first. He is strong and happy and growing and almost ready to feed without a tube. But it's such a contrast, it makes even this progress a source of concern.
Earl and I have talked about our attitudes to the boys. Connor is a our joy, he is constantly making us laugh with his cute expressions, and whenever we need cheering up or comforting we just pick him up for a cuddle. Sebastian is our special treasure, we feel such deep care and concern for him, a protectiveness that overwhelms us. He is the boy that wasn't suppose to make it and so we would do anything to make him thrive. He is also a very easily agitated bub, which adds to our protectiveness and concern.
Some days are great, and they tend to correspond with sleep-filled nights. The boys are so special and I love holding them and can't believe I will take them home one day. That this is just a temporary moment in their long healthy lives. But with little sleep, it doesn't feel like it.
Tonight Earl will go in to give Connor his first ever bottle of breast milk at 930pm (he get's food from his tube and is just starting to suck at the breast). I want to go with him. But I will stay home and sleep. The secret to surviving SCN is doing what's best for the boys. Today it was not holding Seb and letting his tummy go down, even though I missed my cuddles. Tonight it's sleeping (and expressing!) so I can make milk well and be mentally with it for my boys tomorrow. Even though being away from Seb tonight, after the day he's had, is tough. But I can bare it if its best for my precious boys.
And in an unrelated IF relevant moment, despite a slow start my milk supply is rocking, even with my PCOS. So happy and relieved, that was a major prayer point for me through this pregnacy!
Birth story one day, I promise!
And here is what you've been waiting for. My gorgeous boys! Connor is cubby, Seb is skinny :)
Connor's first cuddle with Mummy
Aren't they beautiful :)