Did you know my boys are 1 month today. Crazy. Crazy that one month on Sebbie is still in hospital :( But it has been an amazing month, despite the drama, and I am so, so very happy that despite hiccups, my boys are actually doing well.
So, one month ago today (I just checked the clock, it is literally one month ago today!!!), what was I doing. I was sitting on a hospital bed shaking. Seriously, I am usually a pro at medical procedures. In my first egg pick up, slightly wonky on drugs, I told Earl "Wow, this is so much fun". But I am usually not fazed. But then, usually a procedure doesn't involve having a neddle stuck in your spine!
I was shaking. Literally shaking. I kept thinking about our friend who is an anethetist and wishing we had paid him to travel to our state and do this procedure because I couldn't think of anyone besides him I would be comfortable giving this job to.
The compounder of the problem was that Earl wasn't there, and I had no notice of that. Earl had been asked to dress up in scrubs, and when I asked when he was going to come in they said "We don't let partners in during the spinal, they usually freak out". WHAT! The scariest part of the procedure and I'm all alone. Then I had one of those profound- ops, I'm never alone moments and I started to pray.
The scariest thing was that I had something to do. I had to bend over and keep still. What if I moved and my spine was ruined?
The local anaesthetic went in fine. It hurt for a minute, but then it stopped. And suddenly all my fear went away. But I asked again, can my husband come in? And they said no.
I found out later Earl was outside the operating theatre panicking. Was I okay? Would they forget to let him in?
The Spinal went in. Can he come in yet? No. I lay down on the bed. Can he come in yet? No.
It wasn't until I was lying down Jesus style (they put your arms out straight, weird hey?), with the curtain up, that Earl could finally join me.
By this point I was no longer scared, just very very excited (I actually started cracking jokes at that point, the nurses said I was one of the most calm patients they ever had). I was a little nervous for the boys, but had heard their happy heart beats that morning so not as scared as you'd think.
Earl sat rubbing my head, and the anaesthetist (who was in the end lovely) talked us through the process.
And then, with strange sounds like a cappuccino frother, and strange tugging I heard the words "Twin 1 is out". I listened for a scary 5 seconds, and then I heard his cry. It was so beautiful I started crying and Earl and I said "It's Connor, that's our Connor".
The cool thing was that the Paediatric table that was set up to examine and care for Connor was actually within my sight on my side of the sheet, so I got to spy him from a distance. Which was good because I didn't get to see him again for another hour.
At this point Earl got up from my side and went to look at him, he and the Anaesthetist took over the commentary, Earl on how the babies were doing, the Anaesthetist on the procedure.
Then the same sounds and feelings and "Twin 2 is out". Now that this point I got scared. My little Dancer, was he going to be okay. But his cry was almost instantaneous. That sound, of two boys crying together, was the best sound of my life. We started telling the team the names, and it felt so nice actually saying them out loud to people. It was also special hearing people start to talk about them with those names.
At this point, Connor stopped crying and needed some oxygen. I couldn't believe it. After everything, it was BH who needed initial help! But Earl was chatting to the Peds and was very reassuring that this was normal and not a sign of a problem.
Then they began to stitch me up. Then Earl was giving the choice- would he stay with me or go with the boys. I had pondered how I would feel, but at that point there was no question. We both wanted him with the boys. But before they left, the Ped brought Seb over for a quick kiss. I told him, "Mummy loves you" like I had a million times in the womb. It was very emotional.
The stitching up was funny, because the main doctor was actually instructing her registrar how to sew me up. Again, could have freaked me out, but didn't. As I sat there, I longed more than anything to hear about the boys. I didn't have to wait long. Earl came in, looking as proud and excited as I had ever seen him. He had with him two photos of our beautiful boys. Connor was on Oxygen and looked a bit strange (they put it through his nose) and Seb was wrapped in bubble wrap for warmth. But they were so beautiful. Earl then ran off to the boys, a sight I would grow very used to in the coming day.
Once I had been in recovering for about 30 minutes, my bed was actually rolled to the special care nursery so I could see my boys. I got to reach in and touch them briefly, and again tell them how much I loved them. I was told that I would be wheeled down in a chair later that night for a proper cuddle. But, things didn't turn out quite like that.
Having a C-section is a scary thing, and isn't what you dream of. But to be honest, it will go down as a highlight of my life.