"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Feels strange to update a blog with no body reading- but I feel that I might as well. This blog might one day be something worth looking back on- when all these details that are so fresh and raw grow stale.

This was today.
7am- Pregnancy Blood test
8am- reading
9am-hang with husband
12pm- bleeding
12:01pm- Running around the house screaming and crying "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

Then it got to 12:30pm- and I called to hear the words that I wasn't pregnant.

I didn't hear those words

I didn't hear the words I longed to hear.

I heard this.

"Your level is only 20, which means that it is very unlikely that you are going to be pregnant. Normal level is 100"

It's such a strange feeling. It's both not as bad as it could be and yet it's not really good. It's like a disappointment and its kinda not. It's not that I have hope. I don't. I know that this little embryo inside me is either dead or dying.

But it feels like something. It feels like a step, a bit of new information, a change from the usual no, no, no.

It feels like maybe, just maybe, this might one day happen.

I am of course praying to the God of miricles that if my little one is dying that he will save her.

It's so hard. Tim is taking it way harder than me. Anything that involves any medicine just confuses him. I keep forgetting I've eaten, sleepen, and drunk infertility information for three and a half years. He's just figured stuff out as he's gone along. SO when I tell him that our embroy is most likely dying- his face just feel.

I still grieve like crazy. Seven embryos is such a huge number- and part of me just wants to fall apart. Am I stupid to keep hoping? I let Tim name our last little one (he called him William). I think I'll let him name this little one too.

Today when I was lying in bed Tim came in and held me. He said "I promise you that I will do everything I can, and you will have a happy life. I promise that when you are old you will be surrounded by people who love you.

That is my biggest fear. Being Old. Alone.

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