I realise I never ended up blogging about my conversation with my sister-in-law about my nephew/niece (it is still nephew/niece, the u/s technician at the miracle scan said there was no way you could really tell so early).
My Sister-in-law was coming round to my parent's-in-laws, and then a group of us were heading to visit a sick relative. Earl was out and about, and so it was just us, me knitting away, and she sorting through some admin she had to do. We talked a little bit about bits and pieces, and then I jumped in.
"So, I guess you know when you are due now?"
She nodded with a sad smile "Yes, the 2nd of March. But to be honest, after everything we've been through, we are finding it hard to be excited, we just feel like something will go wrong".
She turned to me with a sad smile "I guess you guys will feel the same when you get pregnant again".
And that was it.
Yes, she had experienced a miracle and had the first living-beyond-12-weeks grandchild in her stomach. But she understood and she sympathised.
That lead onto one of the best conversations I had ever had with her. In some strange way, though IF was not her problem, she had glimpse briefly into the window of the baby-lost world, and she had got something of what it meant. And the fear and the jealousy washed away for a moment and I really truly felt happy. Happy for her, and hopeful for myself.
Better than I would have ever expected.
Fear is funny. So many things I work up to. I have spent much of this week feeling fearful about evening church. We now have four pregnancies. It is a flash back to when we were first trying, and four of our friends all got pregnant at the same time and every conversation I joined seemed to be about stretch-marks and strollers. It was terrible, and I wondered how I would get through this week.
I did. I had to leave a few times when conversations in my hearing headed in dangerous directions, but I survived.
Sometimes tough things are better than you expect. As fear for the future fills me, I need to remember.
And below, my first ever non-scarf knitting project. Red will suit a niece or nephew I think :) And both my sister-in-law and mother-in-law were pretty shocked that given our situation that I could make it, so I'm very proud on several counts :)