"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Weariness of long term IF

When I think of this road, there are various points where certain emotions are at the forefront.  At the moment alot of the emotions that have characterised the journey have moved to the back.  Jealousy is there, but it is momentary, generally other people's experiences of pregnancy and children seem so far removed from mine that I don't find myself comparing all the time.  I cry, and I feel overwhelmed, but in a different way than I used to.

I just feel weary.

I can look back through my blog, and see the Lady Grey who used to be.  The Lady Grey who really believed that things would happen.  The Lady Grey that believed her doctors when they told her "You haven't been trying very long, your so young, you make such a great embryos".

But long, grueling crappy IF has killed that women.

Now I am weary.

When I think of life, when I hear of others good news, when I stare at the blog bar on the side of my blog and realise just how many people have babies when I do not.  I don't feel jealous.  I just feel tired.  Bone crushing tiredness.  That defeated-ness that makes me want to sleep forever.

On Monday I had a cry because Earl's jet setting, party animal cousins are now pregnant.  I was really upset.  But when I think of it now I just feel tired.  So tired.

Is this the story of the rest of my life?
Now off to dinner.  With a pregnant couple.


  1. "bone crushing tiredness" -- You have described very well the almost PTSD like symptoms of being on this journey too long. It is exhausting. I really hope that things turn around for you soon.

  2. I can't imagine how weary you must be. I know how bad it was for us and our journey was not as long as yours has been. Praying for rest for you!

  3. Your description of what IF has done to you is heart breaking and completely apt. I am so sorry you have been enduring this for so long. It seems that all the bloggers I start to follow end up getting pregnant almost immediately, so hopefully this will happen to you! Enjoy your holiday and I hope things change for you very soon!

  4. I've been there. Of course I'm another Mummy blogger now and I am blessed. But I don't forget you, and I pray that one day your joy will be complete, however that may be.