When I think of this road, there are various points where certain emotions are at the forefront. At the moment alot of the emotions that have characterised the journey have moved to the back. Jealousy is there, but it is momentary, generally other people's experiences of pregnancy and children seem so far removed from mine that I don't find myself comparing all the time. I cry, and I feel overwhelmed, but in a different way than I used to.
I just feel weary.
I can look back through my blog, and see the Lady Grey who used to be. The Lady Grey who really believed that things would happen. The Lady Grey that believed her doctors when they told her "You haven't been trying very long, your so young, you make such a great embryos".
But long, grueling crappy IF has killed that women.
Now I am weary.
When I think of life, when I hear of others good news, when I stare at the blog bar on the side of my blog and realise just how many people have babies when I do not. I don't feel jealous. I just feel tired. Bone crushing tiredness. That defeated-ness that makes me want to sleep forever.
On Monday I had a cry because Earl's jet setting, party animal cousins are now pregnant. I was really upset. But when I think of it now I just feel tired. So tired.
Is this the story of the rest of my life?
Now off to dinner. With a pregnant couple.