"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The world knows and its really weird

I've been very absent.

I have some excuses.  I have been away, with only internet access on my phone, and I am yet to work out how to get my blackberry to post anything on blogger.  I've been reading up on many blogs, but been unable to write.  Things are going fine, as far as I am aware the babies are still around, they are definitely making a sizable bump, and I am grumpy and hungry (more about that later).  But it is a weird time, because there are no scans until 20 weeks and we are just going by faith that all is well.

The world knows and it's weird!

We did the Facebook thing.  I still don't know if I did it well or unhelpfully, but I basically said what we said in our text to close friends.  "We are expecting twins in Late May/Early June.  Very thankful to God and for those who have been praying for us".  Don't know if its as explicit about IF as it could have been, but in the end that's what we went for.

Earl and I feel very mixed about the whole thing.  On the one hand we are very aware that our news can be painful to dear friends we care about (although all our known IF friends have been super excited and supportive).  On the other hand, and I feel embarrassed to admit this, it's actually been so special and fun.  Watching the comments, the surprise, the excitement.  It was really precious.

It's strange because everyone is fascinated by our news, regardless of if they know our history.  Twins are unusual and weird and exciting, and so everyone, even total strangers, are just so interested in us and our twins.  Those who have been praying, those who have seen our heart-breaking wait, they know just what a miracle these are.  But even others are thrilled.

Sometimes I love it, and sometimes it's weird.  I barely believe that come May I will have two wrinkled, wiggling, beautiful bubs to hold.  It seems weird that the rest of the world knows and believes it more than me.  I feel very on show, and after nearly 6 years of silent IF struggles, it's just bizarre to be publicly discussing things.

I've been away for nearly 8 days on two different conferences.  It was crazy, tiring and fun. I was away with Uni students, and they were so happy and excited about our news.  One girl spent the whole conference saying "Hello Lady, hello babies", every time she saw me.  The second conference was with Earl which was far better.  I missed him so much.  But it was all exhausting, not necessarily physically (I'm resting when I can)  but mentally.  I would love a day off from thinking but with Christmas coming it's looking fairly unlikely.

In terms of symptoms, I have a very noticeable bump.  If you didn't know me you might still think I wasn't pregnant, but if you do, it is very obvious.  The other main symptom is hunger and grumpiness.  I am so moody.  Most days I will have a fall apart cry, and lately my patience has been so very thin.  I snap or snarl at Earl and I hate myself so much for doing it.  And it makes me mad at myself, because I have been blessed so much so I feel I should be happy all the time.  I know that's not life, but I just wish I could control things a bit better and appreciate fully just how blessed I am.

But overall its been a lovely time.  The people who matter, family and close friends, and those who have been watching us in the trenches, could not be more thrilled.  And their love, and their excitement is just a joy to watch.  Even when Earl and I struggle to believe it ourselves.

Thumper has been on my mind.  Thumper, our precious little bub who didn't get all this attention.  I miss him, and I'm so aware of what could have been as I carry his siblings.

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