I wish there was a way that we could not be afraid. But I just don't know if that's possible.
I haven't had as much movement since that first Christmas feeling, and even though I have tiny feelings that could be movement, I can't be sure and so the worries surface. Yesterday I again felt that same movement again, ironically it seems to come after a big meal when I'm sitting in a certain position. I haven't had many big meals since the GD diagnosis, so it explains it somewhat. But when I stop worrying about having movement, I start worrying about where it is. Wondering why Dancer is so strong but Big Head I can't feel. I know its positional more than anything but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. Oh how I long for a few deep, hard kicks. I'm praying we have little soccer players and kick boxers who are very keen to tell me soon "We're here, We're here".
Earl is the same. He is obsessed with the bump. He constantly wants to look at it, trolls around me like I'm a sculpture, trying to work out has it grown or stayed the same or gone down? For him the bump is the proof that things are going okay, it's the only proof. And so if he thinks its looking big, he is happy. If he thinks it's small, he is concerned.
I worry about my cervix. I don't think I would have even thought about it if not for IF. I read of women getting their cervix length checked. My doctor hasn't even taken a peek at my cervix (though the U/S techs have). Is everything okay down there? What if it's not?
Most of the time I'm fine. But every so often I just get overwhelmed and scared.
GD is another avenue for fear. Have I hurt the babies by eating to much sugar early on in the pregnancy? Now that it's being monitored I get occasional scares when I have a high reading (which totally sucks because I'm being so good. How was I to know how much sugar they put in pasta sauce!! I wouldn't find it so frustrating if I just had something truly naughty and delicious!). I worry that something will go wrong. I called the diabetes educator and she assured me it wasn't a big deal, that I'm learning what to do. She was so relaxed, that so was I.
I wish I had someone like that for the rest of my pregnancy. Someone I could just call and say "Help!". Someone who could put up with my stupid fears. But my care at the moment, though from a very good doctor, is fairly sporadic. It will pick up like crazy once we get past 20 weeks, because that is where things can go wrong with twins. This is the "safe" time. This is the time to enjoy, to relax, to appreciate the energy and the lack of pain and the things that will seem so precious when I'm 32 weeks and a pain ridden whale.
But I am a worrier. And 6 years of IF treatment have not helped in that department.
But as I sit here, I feel the slightest movement. And I feel better.