"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my dear bloggy friends!

I realise that Christmas is not a merry time for all of us, but I pray that it will be a time of family sensitivity, great food, and lovely gifts.

It is hard to know where to start.  I've composed many a blog posts in my head over the last few weeks, but in the craziness that has been Christmas there has scarce been a moment to sit at the computer and write.   There is so much to tell, but much of it probably needs to be saved for other posts. I have been keeping up on all your posts, and thinking and praying for all you this Christmas, whether it be prayers of thanksgiving for beautiful BFPs, or ones for comfort during another tough Christmas.

So, bit of a pregnancy update.

I am 16 weeks on Friday.  The weeks are flying by.  Week 14 had its challenges though.  Because of the twins, my PCOS, and my insulin resistances, my doctor decided that it would be good to move the Glucose tolerance test to week 14.  I did the test on the Monday, and got the call on the Tuesday that I failed.  Having gone to the hospitals information session- and knowing my risk factors, I don't know how I ever thought I'd pass, but I did hope for the best, and I was pretty upset to add this to the risks of the pregnancy.

The info session helped.  Basically it reassured me that my babies will be fine, and of course that is the thing I was most anxious about.  Provided I do my bit, it shouldn't be a problem.  I have to check my blood sugars two hours after every meal and when I wake up in the morning.  That was kind of fun and interesting...for the first day!   Now it seems like a real hassle. And it made Christmas a bit tricky as I bypassed the many lovely treats, many of which I had baked myself.  But as Earl reminded me constantly, this Christmas we have our babies, who cares about food?

My bump is slowly growing, and maternity pants are the only ones I can wear.  I went shopping with my sister to up my collection, and then the darling went shopping for some more gorgeous outfits for my Christmas present, when she was State-side for a wedding.  Clothes in America are a third of the cost of clothes in Australia, so it was a good deal all round.  I had one person on Christmas day at church comment on my pregnancy who I think no one had told.  So while it was a bit rude, it was kind of exciting to have got to the point of being obviously pregnant.

Hormones are still a problem.  Christmas Eve I totally lost it when Earl didn't want to get to his family Christmas party early.  I was on starting nibbles, and was so upset when I arrived and everyone was already there.  I also got really grumpy at another Christmas party, where family members kept frustrating me.  I hate it so much, I hate that such a happy thing can make me such a monster.  I spent much of Christmas Eve praying that I would hold it together for Christmas, and I'm very thankful that when it came to the actual day, it was all wonderful.  In fact, I would probably put it down as the best Christmas ever, and one of the best days ever.

Probably the most exciting thing about yesterday was that I realised without a doubt that the weird feelings I had been feeling were definitely baby moves.  It is such a relief, because as Earl and I keep saying to each other- how do we know they are still okay?  After so many early scans, this weird period of no contact is just strange.  I don't know if we would have a Doppler if we had a midwife, but our care is all doctor and he seems very much about information in our sessions and not about checking me out.  After 20 weeks we will move to 4 weekly scans, so that is comforting to know, but this month before our next scan is strange.

But the movement sure helps!

I can definitely feel Dancer, s/he is pushed up against my ribs, so after a big meal I just sit back and feel the strange tickles (it really does feel like bubbles under my skin).  Every so often  I feel a lower, less obvious movement which I hope is Big Head.  It's tricky, position wise it makes sense that Dancer would be the main contributor, but I just want to know for certain they are both okay.

Do these fears of loosing them every go away???

And starting today, my awesome Earl is joining me on the Low GI diet.  He wants to loose weight, but he also wants to support me, and that is so very precious.  But he definitely made the most of it on his last day of "freedom".  I don't think I've ever seen someone consume so much Gingerbread in a 48 hour period :)

I can't help thinking back.  Two years ago, Christmas was "celebrated" 3 days after we found out Thumper was dead.  Last year, it sat in the dark shadow of our doctor telling us we needed to start accepting the fact that we may not ever have genetic children.

This year everything basked in the crazy, almost impossible to believe reality that I have two babies still growing in my belly.

I feel very humbled and thankful.  When I look back on the last two Christmas, I wonder how I coped.  But God cared for and sustained us through the darkness.  And now he has given us this gift.  I am so very aware this Christmas of his goodness to me.  And when I sing the Carols and I hear the Christmas story again, I am overwhelmed with humility at his grace.

For so many years I've been thinking "It's my turn".  But now I am so aware that I didn't earn these babies.  They are a gift.  A pretty spectacular Christmas gift.
Much love to you all,

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