The 1ww

As of today, the 1ww had begun.  This time next week I will be taking a blood test.  I might already have my period by then, but by then at least I will have some sense of what has happened.

Have been really struggling to sleep.  Which for me is a very unusual thing, though at least at the moment I have some ability to sleep in or have afternoon naps to compensate.  The lack of sleeping is because my head is spinning as I lie down, lots of thoughts about lots of things.  Most of the time not about 1ww or pregnancy but as often happens with these things, the stress of this is underpinning everything so it is the cause, though not the content of my insomnia producing thoughts.

I've had a really sore back, an aching neck, and a little bit of cramping.  Could be a) AF coming on, b)hormones I took on Saturday, or c) early pregnancy symptoms (okay, I don't know if back pain is really an early symptom, but the cramping could be!)

Hoping to have a really productive day today, planning ahead just in case AF does come and I am suddenly not functioning mid week.

This 1ww is the real killer for me.  The constant uncertainty, the stress with every bathroom stop, the waiting, waiting waiting which at this stage doesn't contain any hope, just a desperate 'please don't not be pregnant, please don't not be pregnant'.  Which is a terrible double negative but it is so different from 'please be pregnant'.  Please be pregnant is a hopeful I-want-a-good-thing-to-come.  Please don't not be pregnant is a fearful I-don't-want-to-go-though-that-pain-again.

Appreciate your thoughts and prayers,
LG

A bigger picture

This cycle I am on involves two small pregnal hcg shots in the 2ww, to help my body along if it is pregnant. Number 2 was this morning.

I'm kinda relieved to be able to blame hormones on how I've been today.

In some ways its been a lovely day. We spent Friday night at Earl's Aunt and Uncles Holiday house, with Earl's sister and brother and their partners, as well as our beautiful little nephew. We watched TV, went for walks, played board games. It was really fun.

But when i wasn't having fun I was an emotional mess. I'd be upset if SIL#1 didn't let me hold nephew when I wanted too (not that I asked mind you, I was just upset because she didn't think to). I was upset when SILs would talk about times they had hung out without me (which is ridiculous because I hang out with SIL#1 and nephew at leased once a week without the other SIL). I was upset when SIL#1 started talking about whether she would have God-parents for nephew because I was afraid it wouldn't be Earl and me. And I was upset about the fact that they were continuing to hang out while I had to go home.

And overarching that I was upset because I am quietly confident that SIL#2 is about to start trying to have a baby and if I'm not pregnant right now I suspect she will beat me too it.

But there was a comforting thought. As crazy as the above stuff sounds, I used to be like that all the time.  I've always had strange paranoia about friendships, partly due to some bullying that went on in my teens, and partly because I'm a sensitive soul who wants to be loved.  This used to be what I was like.  And what changed it?  Infertility.

When we started trying to have a baby, then I began to realise how all these silly relationship drama's I got caught up in weren't really that important.  There were greater, more important struggles in the world.  Today hormones set me off the edge, and it was a window into how miserable and silly I used to be.  And as much as I hate, hate, hate IF, it has changed me in some strange ways for the better.

Don't get me wrong.  SIL#2 trying is going to be a massive big deal, and will no doubt feature more and more on this blog.  But there are things in my life that are so much more important than made-up competitions in my head about who is whose best friend.

Like a 2 week wait.
LG