This cycle I am on involves two small pregnal hcg shots in the 2ww, to help my body along if it is pregnant. Number 2 was this morning.
I'm kinda relieved to be able to blame hormones on how I've been today.
In some ways its been a lovely day. We spent Friday night at Earl's Aunt and Uncles Holiday house, with Earl's sister and brother and their partners, as well as our beautiful little nephew. We watched TV, went for walks, played board games. It was really fun.
But when i wasn't having fun I was an emotional mess. I'd be upset if SIL#1 didn't let me hold nephew when I wanted too (not that I asked mind you, I was just upset because she didn't think to). I was upset when SILs would talk about times they had hung out without me (which is ridiculous because I hang out with SIL#1 and nephew at leased once a week without the other SIL). I was upset when SIL#1 started talking about whether she would have God-parents for nephew because I was afraid it wouldn't be Earl and me. And I was upset about the fact that they were continuing to hang out while I had to go home.
And overarching that I was upset because I am quietly confident that SIL#2 is about to start trying to have a baby and if I'm not pregnant right now I suspect she will beat me too it.
But there was a comforting thought. As crazy as the above stuff sounds, I used to be like that all the time. I've always had strange paranoia about friendships, partly due to some bullying that went on in my teens, and partly because I'm a sensitive soul who wants to be loved. This used to be what I was like. And what changed it? Infertility.
When we started trying to have a baby, then I began to realise how all these silly relationship drama's I got caught up in weren't really that important. There were greater, more important struggles in the world. Today hormones set me off the edge, and it was a window into how miserable and silly I used to be. And as much as I hate, hate, hate IF, it has changed me in some strange ways for the better.
Don't get me wrong. SIL#2 trying is going to be a massive big deal, and will no doubt feature more and more on this blog. But there are things in my life that are so much more important than made-up competitions in my head about who is whose best friend.
Like a 2 week wait.
LG
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Getting through the dark times
Last night was a dark time.
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The most random of phone calls.
I had the randomist call today.
One of my friends called saying she knew someone who knew someone who was putting their soon-to-be-due baby up for adoption and would we like it!
I should explain that in Australia it is so much more complicated than that. There is a huge application process that you must go through to adopt, and even then, there are waiting lists and legal fees and all kinds of things you need to go through before you can adopt a baby. She was making an offer that she had no ability to deliver on.
But it was very sweet of my friend to think of me, sweet that she knew how much we wanted a child and was willing to do the worlds most awkward phone call to make it happen..
In some strange way it made me hopeful.
Because I was feeling really, really low today. Feeling like Children were so very far away. But this call cheered me up. Because somewhere out there, there is an Australia women who is dying to be a Mum. And a baby, to be born in March, that was unofficially offered to me, will become her little child. Today is her day. And that is so exciting.
And one day, I will become a Mum. It may be through a pregnancy, it may be through embryo adoption, or it may be through a phone call saying "Congratulations- we have a child for you".
And that day, my day, that is worth all the wait in the world.
LG
One of my friends called saying she knew someone who knew someone who was putting their soon-to-be-due baby up for adoption and would we like it!
I should explain that in Australia it is so much more complicated than that. There is a huge application process that you must go through to adopt, and even then, there are waiting lists and legal fees and all kinds of things you need to go through before you can adopt a baby. She was making an offer that she had no ability to deliver on.
But it was very sweet of my friend to think of me, sweet that she knew how much we wanted a child and was willing to do the worlds most awkward phone call to make it happen..
In some strange way it made me hopeful.
Because I was feeling really, really low today. Feeling like Children were so very far away. But this call cheered me up. Because somewhere out there, there is an Australia women who is dying to be a Mum. And a baby, to be born in March, that was unofficially offered to me, will become her little child. Today is her day. And that is so exciting.
And one day, I will become a Mum. It may be through a pregnancy, it may be through embryo adoption, or it may be through a phone call saying "Congratulations- we have a child for you".
And that day, my day, that is worth all the wait in the world.
LG
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Stoped and Still
As we approach 5 years of trying, there are huge differences in my attitude to when we started. It think I'm reflecting on this alot because of two people I know who are starting ARTs for the first time, one is doing IVF and one is doing IUI. The IUI person is not a close friend, and she is being crazy open, she has told all nine hundred of her friends on facebook! I find it really hard to read her posts, she is so certain she will get pregnant- and she is probably right. Most people I know do!
But it reminded me of myself at that stage. I wasn't that positive or open, but I definitely thought it would happen and happen soon, and lived my life accordingly. Here are some changes I've seen.
things I've stopped doing:
Only buying old/baggy clothes just in case I get pregnant
I just got sick of looking like a dag! I won't buy clothes in the two week wait, but other than that I just buy nice, normal, fitting clothes and figure if I do get pregnant it will be such a happy time I won't care that new clothes can't be warn. This week Earl went dress shopping with me and we bought two really lovely dresses for NO REASON! I find Infertility makes me feel bad about myself, and so looking good really helps.
Using Home pregnancy tests
The times I've used them, its always been negative and the day before my period comes. I just don't get my hopes up, and wait for blood tests to let me know.
Read blog posts on re-usable nappies
The truth is, when I first started trying, I was fully in to all things mummy blogging, because I was thinking hard about what kind of Mum I want to be. It is not that this is no longer important- it's just that I don't have the emotional energy to do it when Motherhood seems no closer (maybe even further away) than it did five years ago. If I get pregnant (please, please, please, please!) I will have 9 months to remind myself of what nappies people have said are the best.
WHAT I Still do:
-I don't drink alcohol or eat soft cheeses or sushi in the second half of my cycle
-I still try every month to get pregnant. Not only is it fun ;P but I figure with PCOS it is unlikely but always possible that this month might be the one month of my life when we can do this on our own.
-I still read baby name books, and I still imagine my kids, what they will look like and be like- perfect little mixes of Earl and me.
-Pray at least 5 sometimes 20 times a day for a baby.
-Linked into that, I still pray that God will give us four kids. But that's a topic for another post.
But it reminded me of myself at that stage. I wasn't that positive or open, but I definitely thought it would happen and happen soon, and lived my life accordingly. Here are some changes I've seen.
things I've stopped doing:
Only buying old/baggy clothes just in case I get pregnant
I just got sick of looking like a dag! I won't buy clothes in the two week wait, but other than that I just buy nice, normal, fitting clothes and figure if I do get pregnant it will be such a happy time I won't care that new clothes can't be warn. This week Earl went dress shopping with me and we bought two really lovely dresses for NO REASON! I find Infertility makes me feel bad about myself, and so looking good really helps.
Using Home pregnancy tests
The times I've used them, its always been negative and the day before my period comes. I just don't get my hopes up, and wait for blood tests to let me know.
Read blog posts on re-usable nappies
The truth is, when I first started trying, I was fully in to all things mummy blogging, because I was thinking hard about what kind of Mum I want to be. It is not that this is no longer important- it's just that I don't have the emotional energy to do it when Motherhood seems no closer (maybe even further away) than it did five years ago. If I get pregnant (please, please, please, please!) I will have 9 months to remind myself of what nappies people have said are the best.
WHAT I Still do:
-I don't drink alcohol or eat soft cheeses or sushi in the second half of my cycle
-I still try every month to get pregnant. Not only is it fun ;P but I figure with PCOS it is unlikely but always possible that this month might be the one month of my life when we can do this on our own.
-I still read baby name books, and I still imagine my kids, what they will look like and be like- perfect little mixes of Earl and me.
-Pray at least 5 sometimes 20 times a day for a baby.
-Linked into that, I still pray that God will give us four kids. But that's a topic for another post.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Not so secret, secret
This week has been a great week mixed in with a little bit of hard. We had a night away and the change in Earl was extraordinary. He is has been so flat out busy with life, so stressed about so many things, and just plain tired. Just one night off has made a huge difference to him. I can't wait to see what a bigger break will do.
Anyway, one of the tough things about this week was going along to a seminar about money, and having the hosts (who are lovely people by the way) make lots of jokes about what a pain kids are. It was soooo tough to sit there and listen, even though it was all tongue in cheek and I know they adore their kids and were only joking around.
After the session I had a person I know come up to me, and just say "Look, I know some really hard and unhelpful things have been said at this conference, and I just want to say, I've been where you've been and I'm so sorry it's so hard and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you".
It was really special.
It was also a bit interesting, because I have never told her that we are struggling with infertility.
It's the secret that is not so much a secret. We've had quite a few people talk to us lately about our situation, usually just to say "I know you guys are trying and we are praying for you". We don't know how they found out. Part of it might be the miscarriage, that people assume that we are trying since we probably were to begin with. And the Miscarriage, while not plastered all over facebook, is a little bit public, and we've never swore anyone to secrecy.
I suspect as well, some people are asking our friends who know. Married for nearly 7 years, kid-crazy couple. It's been hidden a bit because Earl has been studying so some people might think that we are not pregnant so I can work. But realistically, the questions are starting. And to be honest, when someone asks a friend, "Are Lady and Earl having trouble having a baby", I suspect a lot of our friends just say yes. And I don't really mind.
But it's hard too.
I don't know if I want the whole world looking at me, pitying me. I don't know if I want to be 'that' couple. I fear what it means for relationships- as people see us as not potential parents, but as a couple with no kids, with no change in sight.
Sometimes in the light of day I see it as just a journey, and we are part way along it, we don't know how far, or if this journey will last a life time- but we are on it, and we just have to look forward
But sometimes I turn my head and look back at the last 5 years and all my hopes and dreams and I think- this is too much.
Tomorrow I sit for the pre-cycle pregnancy test. Oh how I wish that this journey was ending tomorrow!
LG
Anyway, one of the tough things about this week was going along to a seminar about money, and having the hosts (who are lovely people by the way) make lots of jokes about what a pain kids are. It was soooo tough to sit there and listen, even though it was all tongue in cheek and I know they adore their kids and were only joking around.
After the session I had a person I know come up to me, and just say "Look, I know some really hard and unhelpful things have been said at this conference, and I just want to say, I've been where you've been and I'm so sorry it's so hard and I just want you to know that I'm praying for you".
It was really special.
It was also a bit interesting, because I have never told her that we are struggling with infertility.
It's the secret that is not so much a secret. We've had quite a few people talk to us lately about our situation, usually just to say "I know you guys are trying and we are praying for you". We don't know how they found out. Part of it might be the miscarriage, that people assume that we are trying since we probably were to begin with. And the Miscarriage, while not plastered all over facebook, is a little bit public, and we've never swore anyone to secrecy.
I suspect as well, some people are asking our friends who know. Married for nearly 7 years, kid-crazy couple. It's been hidden a bit because Earl has been studying so some people might think that we are not pregnant so I can work. But realistically, the questions are starting. And to be honest, when someone asks a friend, "Are Lady and Earl having trouble having a baby", I suspect a lot of our friends just say yes. And I don't really mind.
But it's hard too.
I don't know if I want the whole world looking at me, pitying me. I don't know if I want to be 'that' couple. I fear what it means for relationships- as people see us as not potential parents, but as a couple with no kids, with no change in sight.
Sometimes in the light of day I see it as just a journey, and we are part way along it, we don't know how far, or if this journey will last a life time- but we are on it, and we just have to look forward
But sometimes I turn my head and look back at the last 5 years and all my hopes and dreams and I think- this is too much.
Tomorrow I sit for the pre-cycle pregnancy test. Oh how I wish that this journey was ending tomorrow!
LG
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A new year
Living in Australia, there are a few things that are slightly different than the states. I spent two years living in Wisconsin from the age of 10-12 (my parents were studying there), and so I learnt through trial and error (and a few embarrassing mistakes) that just because we all speak English, doesn't mean everything is the same :)
But one difference was seasons. In Australia, seasons are switched around, and start on the first of the month. So yesterday, the 1st of September, was the first day of Spring.
Secondly, in Australia, the new year is in January. Which it is in the States as well, but in Australia everything (including school) starts in January, because that is when Summer is starting to end.
At my friends wedding on Saturday,a friend and I were talking about how we loved September, and how even though it isn't the start of the new year, that for us, it's a Spiritual start. It's when everything is new, it's a time of hope and promise.
I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind.
My Therapist, when I shared so many of my fears about the future, pointed out that I just wasn't in a place to deal with those thoughts, to work out the plan Bs if this coming Stim is negative.
She said I need to concentrate on the reasons I had to hope, and then, when I am a bit stronger, then I can think about dealing with things like Christmas/Thumper's last days.
So I am trying to see this as a new year, a fresh start, the Spring where perhaps there is more than just flowers and baby animals who might begin to grow.
I have had a horrible cold, so Spring has not been great so far. But it is early days!
In other news- I was at the doctors for my cold and bumped into an acquaintance who was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. I went for a coffee with Earl and said, as a rule, I want to hear from you that someone is pregnant, rather than finding out when I see their belly. Earl nodded and then told me of two other people who were pregnant. I felt kind of sick, and then preface my original statement with "But not all in one day".
And of course I got home, went on facebook and found out another friend is pregnant.
Finding out that FOUR people were pregnant in the one day. I think that might be a record.
I was saying to Earl that I am seriously tempted to announce on facebook that no one else is allowed to get pregnant- that its our turn, and that no one else in the whole world is allowed to get pregnant before we do.
Earl gave me a big cuddle and said, "Maybe we will be next. Maybe we will have a baby very soon".
What a beautiful thought!
Please Spring- be a time of joy!
LG
But one difference was seasons. In Australia, seasons are switched around, and start on the first of the month. So yesterday, the 1st of September, was the first day of Spring.
Secondly, in Australia, the new year is in January. Which it is in the States as well, but in Australia everything (including school) starts in January, because that is when Summer is starting to end.
At my friends wedding on Saturday,a friend and I were talking about how we loved September, and how even though it isn't the start of the new year, that for us, it's a Spiritual start. It's when everything is new, it's a time of hope and promise.
I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind.
My Therapist, when I shared so many of my fears about the future, pointed out that I just wasn't in a place to deal with those thoughts, to work out the plan Bs if this coming Stim is negative.
She said I need to concentrate on the reasons I had to hope, and then, when I am a bit stronger, then I can think about dealing with things like Christmas/Thumper's last days.
So I am trying to see this as a new year, a fresh start, the Spring where perhaps there is more than just flowers and baby animals who might begin to grow.
I have had a horrible cold, so Spring has not been great so far. But it is early days!
In other news- I was at the doctors for my cold and bumped into an acquaintance who was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. I went for a coffee with Earl and said, as a rule, I want to hear from you that someone is pregnant, rather than finding out when I see their belly. Earl nodded and then told me of two other people who were pregnant. I felt kind of sick, and then preface my original statement with "But not all in one day".
And of course I got home, went on facebook and found out another friend is pregnant.
Finding out that FOUR people were pregnant in the one day. I think that might be a record.
I was saying to Earl that I am seriously tempted to announce on facebook that no one else is allowed to get pregnant- that its our turn, and that no one else in the whole world is allowed to get pregnant before we do.
Earl gave me a big cuddle and said, "Maybe we will be next. Maybe we will have a baby very soon".
What a beautiful thought!
Please Spring- be a time of joy!
LG
Saturday, July 30, 2011
In a Tangible way
I had a beautiful day today.
It was lazy and fun and wonderful. I read and I cooked a cake for a friends birthday and I went out for coffee with Earl and I went for a walk at sunset. It was such a special day.
And it felt like a real gift.
Yesterday was a day of openning up to friends. The girls I pray with (including my friend who is due in two weeks) heard the no holes barred view of my week. And rather than pulling back, or trying to give pat answers, they thanked me for my honesty. Why aren't I more open all the time. It's so special. Then my bestie rang up. I was fully expecting her to tell me she was pregnat (after the month I've had, it seemed so likely), but she isn't, and so we were able to have another frank conversation about my state of mind. My prayer friends had asked that God would show me his goodness and gentleness in a really tangible way. I suspect my lovely, romatic, restful day was an answer to that prayer.
Only one more day of July to get through. Then we will be in August. August, the month of another transfer! August the month that is NOT July. The last two July's have been so difficult and hard, so I am praying this August is an August of hope. And that come this time last year- our prayers will finally be answers and our arms will finally be full.
LG
It was lazy and fun and wonderful. I read and I cooked a cake for a friends birthday and I went out for coffee with Earl and I went for a walk at sunset. It was such a special day.
And it felt like a real gift.
Yesterday was a day of openning up to friends. The girls I pray with (including my friend who is due in two weeks) heard the no holes barred view of my week. And rather than pulling back, or trying to give pat answers, they thanked me for my honesty. Why aren't I more open all the time. It's so special. Then my bestie rang up. I was fully expecting her to tell me she was pregnat (after the month I've had, it seemed so likely), but she isn't, and so we were able to have another frank conversation about my state of mind. My prayer friends had asked that God would show me his goodness and gentleness in a really tangible way. I suspect my lovely, romatic, restful day was an answer to that prayer.
Only one more day of July to get through. Then we will be in August. August, the month of another transfer! August the month that is NOT July. The last two July's have been so difficult and hard, so I am praying this August is an August of hope. And that come this time last year- our prayers will finally be answers and our arms will finally be full.
LG
Monday, June 13, 2011
Like pressing a bruise
This weekend I felt like a bruise was being pressed.
As I've said previously, Earl and I live away from home. We go and visit our families fairly regularly and this previous weekend was one of those trips. I'm still a bit shocked that I will be moving back permanently next year.
But it was a really, really hard IF weekend.
Firstly, the strange little hard thing was seeing Earl's brother and sister and their spouses.
I absolutely love Earls' family. They are friendly and funny and some of the best company I know. I don't know if I can tell you of people I would rather spend an evening with. I love my family, but I love the intimacy. But with two parents and six kids/spouses in Earl's side it is just loads of fun.
It is particularly special because with Earl's brother getting married their was a sense of the family being finished. Not that people have to get married, but we knew that these were the six people we could be holidaying with and Christmasing with until at least our Grandkids came along.
But I think because of that, because of that sense of the future that I get with these gorgeous brothers/sister, I can't help thinking about if that future will involve kids, or if I will just be Aunty LG and that's all.
The other hard thing was a conversation we had with some friends.
Earl and I have some exciting plans for next year. But two very good, older friends were concerned. Could we haddle doing our big plans if we don't end up with kids? They had seen us last summer so fragile (duh- we had lost Thumper a week before!!!) and they were worried that we weren't going to cope if we remain childless and attempted this project.
It was wise, helpful advice, and it was good to get us to think. But that conversation, on top of an already emotional weekend, has left me feeling so raw. I did not expect to be put on the spot, to have to face discussions of permenant infertility in a cafe overlooking a car-park, with no time to talk to Earl and no time to process before our next meeting with friends.
Sometimes it's only when I feel terrible like this that I realise that most of the time I feel okay. But IF is like a bruise that get pressed regularly with no notice. And it hurts.
LG
As I've said previously, Earl and I live away from home. We go and visit our families fairly regularly and this previous weekend was one of those trips. I'm still a bit shocked that I will be moving back permanently next year.
But it was a really, really hard IF weekend.
Firstly, the strange little hard thing was seeing Earl's brother and sister and their spouses.
I absolutely love Earls' family. They are friendly and funny and some of the best company I know. I don't know if I can tell you of people I would rather spend an evening with. I love my family, but I love the intimacy. But with two parents and six kids/spouses in Earl's side it is just loads of fun.
It is particularly special because with Earl's brother getting married their was a sense of the family being finished. Not that people have to get married, but we knew that these were the six people we could be holidaying with and Christmasing with until at least our Grandkids came along.
But I think because of that, because of that sense of the future that I get with these gorgeous brothers/sister, I can't help thinking about if that future will involve kids, or if I will just be Aunty LG and that's all.
The other hard thing was a conversation we had with some friends.
Earl and I have some exciting plans for next year. But two very good, older friends were concerned. Could we haddle doing our big plans if we don't end up with kids? They had seen us last summer so fragile (duh- we had lost Thumper a week before!!!) and they were worried that we weren't going to cope if we remain childless and attempted this project.
It was wise, helpful advice, and it was good to get us to think. But that conversation, on top of an already emotional weekend, has left me feeling so raw. I did not expect to be put on the spot, to have to face discussions of permenant infertility in a cafe overlooking a car-park, with no time to talk to Earl and no time to process before our next meeting with friends.
Sometimes it's only when I feel terrible like this that I realise that most of the time I feel okay. But IF is like a bruise that get pressed regularly with no notice. And it hurts.
LG
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
That's just grief
I got home from work yesterday just feeling like i couldn't take anything anymore. The problem was, neither could Earl! He had spent the last week comforting me during the day from the phone, comforting me when I got home, comforting me before I went to bed. He said, I'm sorry but I'm really tired. I need to share the load of comforting you with someone else.
At first I was hurt and upset. But after I time I understood. My counsellor had even said that this would happen at times, and that when I realised this I should give her a call. But unfortunately she is away on holidays at the moment.
So I decided to share with my Bible study how I was really feeling.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my lot, particularly the fact that I seem to be caring for and helping so many people and yet what I'm going through is so hard. But one thing I do have is lots of people who love me and support me. Some of the women in my Bible study I have only really known this year. But they are amazing.
I was talking with two of them after the study, after I shared. One is expecting a baby 8 days before Thumpers due date. I should hate her but i just can't. She is just so lovely and real and does an amazing job of being a human being and not just a pregnant women! She told me that she had a misscarriage too and that she hated the world. She and the other girl said they were amazed how joyful and unbitter I was.
I protested, "I'm so angry so much of the time". My pregnant friend said "That's just grief".
"That's just grief". Two little words but how they change my perspective. They remind me of what I've been through. They remind me that when someone has been trying for four years, and then has a miscarriage- it's kind of normal to hate the world. Especially after a BFN.
I still think, despite my sharing, that they haven't seen how angry and bitter I have been. Maybe those who read this blog and Earl are the only ones who really know. But knowing this is "just grief", knowing this is part of the package and knowing that this feeling might pass, is really starting to make me feel better.
LG
At first I was hurt and upset. But after I time I understood. My counsellor had even said that this would happen at times, and that when I realised this I should give her a call. But unfortunately she is away on holidays at the moment.
So I decided to share with my Bible study how I was really feeling.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my lot, particularly the fact that I seem to be caring for and helping so many people and yet what I'm going through is so hard. But one thing I do have is lots of people who love me and support me. Some of the women in my Bible study I have only really known this year. But they are amazing.
I was talking with two of them after the study, after I shared. One is expecting a baby 8 days before Thumpers due date. I should hate her but i just can't. She is just so lovely and real and does an amazing job of being a human being and not just a pregnant women! She told me that she had a misscarriage too and that she hated the world. She and the other girl said they were amazed how joyful and unbitter I was.
I protested, "I'm so angry so much of the time". My pregnant friend said "That's just grief".
"That's just grief". Two little words but how they change my perspective. They remind me of what I've been through. They remind me that when someone has been trying for four years, and then has a miscarriage- it's kind of normal to hate the world. Especially after a BFN.
I still think, despite my sharing, that they haven't seen how angry and bitter I have been. Maybe those who read this blog and Earl are the only ones who really know. But knowing this is "just grief", knowing this is part of the package and knowing that this feeling might pass, is really starting to make me feel better.
LG
Monday, May 30, 2011
Never ending
Firstly, an apology for being so bad at commenting this week. For some unknown reason on my computer at home, I am permenantly logged onto blogger in my Non-annymous, public blog name, and not matter how many times I try to log out it won't let me! So I can't comment on any blogs at home, even though I am reading and praying. I will try to comment occassionally from work, but it depends on my business and also whose in the office. Nobody at present, hense why I can write!
My Husband got an email today from a friend from church, letting him know that he and his wife are pregnant. Seriously- are we ever going to get a break from this! The last two days I was finally starting to feel okay, and once again I sit at work wondering why I can't just go home and cry.
My husband wrote a very honest reply about how we were happy and sad from their news (they know about the misscarriage).
IF Sucks. It really, really sucks.
LG
My Husband got an email today from a friend from church, letting him know that he and his wife are pregnant. Seriously- are we ever going to get a break from this! The last two days I was finally starting to feel okay, and once again I sit at work wondering why I can't just go home and cry.
My husband wrote a very honest reply about how we were happy and sad from their news (they know about the misscarriage).
IF Sucks. It really, really sucks.
LG
Friday, March 18, 2011
Hard relationships
In this process, some relationships are hard.
I have a friend, who since I've started trying, has started dating a guy, married him, and is now expecting her second child. Two weeks after Thumper was due.
We meet up regularly to pray.
It is really hard.
Hard because my feeling about her are so warped now. And as it's always been a relationship where I have mainly been the one caring for her, it's just hard to know how to relate now that I'm the one struggling.
We used to be so close, and I was so excited about her moving to the same town as me. I thought it would be so good.
And she always leaves me feeling raw and a little bit angry at God. That he would give this to her and not to me. That after everything I've been through, she would be the one to get the baby for Christmas. It just seems like a slap in the face!
The strange thing is, I'm not jealous of her. She is someone who is pessimistic and negative and sad most of the time. That's just her bent on life. When I talk to her, I feel like I'm the happier one and I'm the one who has been trying for four years and who lost a baby while she is the one with the gorgeous toddler and the gender checking ultra-sound today!
And I'm so torn because I want to be there for her. And she wants to be there for me. She prays for me everyday. She cries for me. I see her guilt with every look, and every time I'm silent and I won't look her in the eye I can see that it hurts her.
I love her, and I want our friendship to go back where it was.
When the baby is born it will be better. It's so much easier to resent a bump than a baby I can see. When I look at her gorgeous girl, all the horribleness goes away, and I just see one more child that God has given me to love.
But I want my own.
Lady Grey
I have a friend, who since I've started trying, has started dating a guy, married him, and is now expecting her second child. Two weeks after Thumper was due.
We meet up regularly to pray.
It is really hard.
Hard because my feeling about her are so warped now. And as it's always been a relationship where I have mainly been the one caring for her, it's just hard to know how to relate now that I'm the one struggling.
We used to be so close, and I was so excited about her moving to the same town as me. I thought it would be so good.
And she always leaves me feeling raw and a little bit angry at God. That he would give this to her and not to me. That after everything I've been through, she would be the one to get the baby for Christmas. It just seems like a slap in the face!
The strange thing is, I'm not jealous of her. She is someone who is pessimistic and negative and sad most of the time. That's just her bent on life. When I talk to her, I feel like I'm the happier one and I'm the one who has been trying for four years and who lost a baby while she is the one with the gorgeous toddler and the gender checking ultra-sound today!
And I'm so torn because I want to be there for her. And she wants to be there for me. She prays for me everyday. She cries for me. I see her guilt with every look, and every time I'm silent and I won't look her in the eye I can see that it hurts her.
I love her, and I want our friendship to go back where it was.
When the baby is born it will be better. It's so much easier to resent a bump than a baby I can see. When I look at her gorgeous girl, all the horribleness goes away, and I just see one more child that God has given me to love.
But I want my own.
Lady Grey
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The blessing of eyes open
Today I spent most of my morning with Mrs L, someone who more and more is becoming one of my favourite people in the world, and the person who gets me more than anyone else but my darling Earl.
Mrs L and I shared the infertility journey for many years before she was blessed with her beautiful little boy.
But in our conversation today I realised that despite her beautiful blessing, infertility is not a journey that you suddenly stop when the baby comes.
This is something that comes out regularly in infertility blogs. But sitting there talking I think it hit me more and more that once you've had your eyes opened by infertility, you will always see the world differently.
Things she observed since having her baby:
-That the moment she had her baby alot of people in our circle who never gave her the time of day suddenly became keen to connect. This was something she resented, that people treated babies as an openning into an exclusive club.
-That now everyone always wants to talk about their kids and nothing else. She longs for a conversation about something deeper, but it's all about nappies and breast milk.
-I observed that I felt "left behind". She said that hasn't gone away, as even though she has a child they are all moving onto number two or toilet-training and she is still behind.
-That she thanks God everyday for her precious son, but her friends don't seem to share that same sense of being blessed
-That the people around her still think they can plan their lives, whereas she knows that this is not how things work.
I sometimes imagine my life without infertility. Me, in my world, but with a 3 year old and maybe a one year old too. And I look jealously at THAT version of me for a moment, and I wish I was her.
But do I?
I definately miss and long for all those little embryos that could have been our living children. And I do morn the dreams of a big family which slip away as each year passes. And I still occasionally ask God to take me back in time and give me Thumper, because I miss him so much.
But I don't regret my open eyes. I don't regret the lessons I've learnt and the strength that God has somehow provided through all the horribleness. I don't enjoy my life, but I am a better friend, a better wife, and better person because of it. I have a perspective that I value, hard-come-by though it was.
One day, I pray and hope that God will give me my little miricle. And God-willing, I will parent that child with open eyes.
LG
Mrs L and I shared the infertility journey for many years before she was blessed with her beautiful little boy.
But in our conversation today I realised that despite her beautiful blessing, infertility is not a journey that you suddenly stop when the baby comes.
This is something that comes out regularly in infertility blogs. But sitting there talking I think it hit me more and more that once you've had your eyes opened by infertility, you will always see the world differently.
Things she observed since having her baby:
-That the moment she had her baby alot of people in our circle who never gave her the time of day suddenly became keen to connect. This was something she resented, that people treated babies as an openning into an exclusive club.
-That now everyone always wants to talk about their kids and nothing else. She longs for a conversation about something deeper, but it's all about nappies and breast milk.
-I observed that I felt "left behind". She said that hasn't gone away, as even though she has a child they are all moving onto number two or toilet-training and she is still behind.
-That she thanks God everyday for her precious son, but her friends don't seem to share that same sense of being blessed
-That the people around her still think they can plan their lives, whereas she knows that this is not how things work.
I sometimes imagine my life without infertility. Me, in my world, but with a 3 year old and maybe a one year old too. And I look jealously at THAT version of me for a moment, and I wish I was her.
But do I?
I definately miss and long for all those little embryos that could have been our living children. And I do morn the dreams of a big family which slip away as each year passes. And I still occasionally ask God to take me back in time and give me Thumper, because I miss him so much.
But I don't regret my open eyes. I don't regret the lessons I've learnt and the strength that God has somehow provided through all the horribleness. I don't enjoy my life, but I am a better friend, a better wife, and better person because of it. I have a perspective that I value, hard-come-by though it was.
One day, I pray and hope that God will give me my little miricle. And God-willing, I will parent that child with open eyes.
LG
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A month on
It has now been over a month since we found out our precious Thumper had gone.
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.
LG
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.
LG
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friends
Some people can be really insensitive. I read IF blogs and my heart just breaks.
But some people are incredibly sensitive.
Like my friend, who obviously worked hard to think about how she could tell me she was pregnant in her first try of IVF. We both sat in the coffee shop crying- and I knew that she was hurting for me, despite her joy, and I loved her for it.
Or my friend who turned up on my doorstep the same day that my affore-mentioned friend told me she was pregnant, because she knew I was being told that day, and she was worried about me.
Or another friend this week who was also concerned about how I was taking watching my friend growing bigger every day. She wanted to see how I was coping and how she can help.
Some people can be so sensitive and caring.
And just because we tend to focus on the bad and not the good, the horror stories and not the lovely ones- I just wanted to say- some people do everything they can to help you deal with your infertility.
and I love them for it.
love Lady Grey
But some people are incredibly sensitive.
Like my friend, who obviously worked hard to think about how she could tell me she was pregnant in her first try of IVF. We both sat in the coffee shop crying- and I knew that she was hurting for me, despite her joy, and I loved her for it.
Or my friend who turned up on my doorstep the same day that my affore-mentioned friend told me she was pregnant, because she knew I was being told that day, and she was worried about me.
Or another friend this week who was also concerned about how I was taking watching my friend growing bigger every day. She wanted to see how I was coping and how she can help.
Some people can be so sensitive and caring.
And just because we tend to focus on the bad and not the good, the horror stories and not the lovely ones- I just wanted to say- some people do everything they can to help you deal with your infertility.
and I love them for it.
love Lady Grey
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)