This cycle I am on involves two small pregnal hcg shots in the 2ww, to help my body along if it is pregnant. Number 2 was this morning.
I'm kinda relieved to be able to blame hormones on how I've been today.
In some ways its been a lovely day. We spent Friday night at Earl's Aunt and Uncles Holiday house, with Earl's sister and brother and their partners, as well as our beautiful little nephew. We watched TV, went for walks, played board games. It was really fun.
But when i wasn't having fun I was an emotional mess. I'd be upset if SIL#1 didn't let me hold nephew when I wanted too (not that I asked mind you, I was just upset because she didn't think to). I was upset when SILs would talk about times they had hung out without me (which is ridiculous because I hang out with SIL#1 and nephew at leased once a week without the other SIL). I was upset when SIL#1 started talking about whether she would have God-parents for nephew because I was afraid it wouldn't be Earl and me. And I was upset about the fact that they were continuing to hang out while I had to go home.
And overarching that I was upset because I am quietly confident that SIL#2 is about to start trying to have a baby and if I'm not pregnant right now I suspect she will beat me too it.
But there was a comforting thought. As crazy as the above stuff sounds, I used to be like that all the time. I've always had strange paranoia about friendships, partly due to some bullying that went on in my teens, and partly because I'm a sensitive soul who wants to be loved. This used to be what I was like. And what changed it? Infertility.
When we started trying to have a baby, then I began to realise how all these silly relationship drama's I got caught up in weren't really that important. There were greater, more important struggles in the world. Today hormones set me off the edge, and it was a window into how miserable and silly I used to be. And as much as I hate, hate, hate IF, it has changed me in some strange ways for the better.
Don't get me wrong. SIL#2 trying is going to be a massive big deal, and will no doubt feature more and more on this blog. But there are things in my life that are so much more important than made-up competitions in my head about who is whose best friend.
Like a 2 week wait.
LG
Showing posts with label cycle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cycle. Show all posts
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Transfer plan
You'll be pleased to hear that the nurse who rang up to give me my results was alot nicer than the one who took them. She was very sympathetic and sorry.
But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.
But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.
So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.
Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.
LG
But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.
But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.
So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.
Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.
LG
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday it is, and a the weird happy/sad results
Friday it is. We will find out after 3pm what time, but we have the day, I have the ultra complicated adding powder to liquid injection to do, and then we have lift off. The doctor and the nurse are happy with the numbers and size, they seem smaller and less than I remember there should be, so I am a bit lost at how to think. The nurse seemed surprised that i should be worried. Doc thinks there are four good ones, and we might get some of the smaller ones if we are lucky.
Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.
He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.
Hard to hear just before a cycle.
Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.
But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.
And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.
Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.
So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.
LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.
Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.
He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.
Hard to hear just before a cycle.
Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.
But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.
And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.
Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.
So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.
LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Clothes and IVF
Today my sister and I went shopping. We went shopping at a big op shop (I think the equivalent in America is Goodwill? But I'm not sure, anyway, second hand clothes with proceeds to charity). Anyway, it was all second hand clothes and my sister is the master of second hand clothes shopping. We went shopping and I tried on numerous things, got lots for not very much, and then went home and got Earl to have the final say of what he thought. Those he doesn't like will end up right back where they started :)
But anyway, as I tried on clothes it was funny because IVF has made me a bit bloated so I have this little belly which seemed to stick out of everything. And I kept saying to my sister, "It's just okay at the moment, but that's because of IVF, it will fit better later".
It was only after I said it that I realised what a weird place I must be in to think like that.
You do IVF to have a baby. That is what it's all about. Yet I am so used to the principle "Hope for the best, but shop for the worst"- that I didn't even think that if IVF works then none of this stuff will fit. And maybe I was shopping where I was shopping because it didn't matter too much. But it was weird, weird to think that my default is not-pregnant, even though I am working so hard for the other outcome.
When BFF got married, I ordered a dress in the size I was. We figured, if I did get pregnant, it would be such happy news, we would buy another one, get it altered or remade. Whereas to take-in a pregnancy dress would be too heart-breakingly hard. I often think of that, that strange "Just in case" discussion. And yet here we are nearly 2 years later and BFF is pregnant and I am not.
I desperately want to be pregnant. But I will not put my life on hold. "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" might not be the most positive state to be, but if I never bough clothes because I was trying, I would be naked right now.
Yes, "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" is best :)
LG
But anyway, as I tried on clothes it was funny because IVF has made me a bit bloated so I have this little belly which seemed to stick out of everything. And I kept saying to my sister, "It's just okay at the moment, but that's because of IVF, it will fit better later".
It was only after I said it that I realised what a weird place I must be in to think like that.
You do IVF to have a baby. That is what it's all about. Yet I am so used to the principle "Hope for the best, but shop for the worst"- that I didn't even think that if IVF works then none of this stuff will fit. And maybe I was shopping where I was shopping because it didn't matter too much. But it was weird, weird to think that my default is not-pregnant, even though I am working so hard for the other outcome.
When BFF got married, I ordered a dress in the size I was. We figured, if I did get pregnant, it would be such happy news, we would buy another one, get it altered or remade. Whereas to take-in a pregnancy dress would be too heart-breakingly hard. I often think of that, that strange "Just in case" discussion. And yet here we are nearly 2 years later and BFF is pregnant and I am not.
I desperately want to be pregnant. But I will not put my life on hold. "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" might not be the most positive state to be, but if I never bough clothes because I was trying, I would be naked right now.
Yes, "Hope for the best, shop for the worst" is best :)
LG
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
A normal person bad day
Rough day. Earl's Grandpa just had a stroke. We aren't sure if he is going to make it. It is hard and devastating and uncertain.
My Dad also just got a blood test result back saying his Prostate cancer has picked up speed again. Dad will go onto treatment, and the prognosis and chances are very good, but it's a big blow, and a particularly big blow with IVF in full string.
IF makes life tough. But sometimes life can be tough enough on it's own.
Appreciate prayers.
LG
My Dad also just got a blood test result back saying his Prostate cancer has picked up speed again. Dad will go onto treatment, and the prognosis and chances are very good, but it's a big blow, and a particularly big blow with IVF in full string.
IF makes life tough. But sometimes life can be tough enough on it's own.
Appreciate prayers.
LG
Monday, March 12, 2012
Beginnings
I haven’t been a very regular blogger the last few weeks. I’ve been far to social in the real world, which probably isn’t a bad thing! :)
Nephew is cute! Very very cute. I adore him so much already. Everytime I hold him I just keep saying over and over again “He’s so cute, He’s so cute”. I think his parents are getting a bit sick of it ;)
Last night I was at their place and I got to do a feed (expressed milk), burp and nappy change. It was so precious. When I was changing him his arms and legs were just so long and little. And it was the first nappy change where he didn’t cry once, which shows he is already a big fan of Aunty Grey!
There were two tough moments. The first was when I was holding him and I thought about our upcoming cycle and Thumper. I looked down at his precious face and I said to my ovaries and uterus See, this is what we are fighting for, don’t let me down! I also prayed with tears in my eyes, “Please God, let me have a little one of my own to hold”. Most people have a stage where they just naturally attach to Children. Earl gets on famously with the 2-4 year olds. Me, I love all ages (and 2-4 is pretty awesome) but there is something about newborns that melts my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve spent time with such a new-newborn and it is creating such an ache in my heart.
Second hard moment was at dinner when Earl’s Dad did a little speech welcoming Nephew to the family. I am so glad that Nephew is here, but it still feels weird and wrong that we didn’t have the first Grandchild coming home.
But I probably should update you on what’s happening with my cycle.
Day 1 was Saturday. I began my injections yesterday. I feel like I am already bloated, though that is probably my imagination. My first scan is on Friday, when they will decide when I should take my antagonist medication, and whether I will have future scans or a trigger. I am working on the assumption I won’t be ready straight away, it’s always taken me about 5 days after my first scan before my ovaries are ready to go.
The timing is pretty sucky! Earl has an interstate graduation on Monday night. I can’t even book my flights until Friday, because I don’t know if I will have a scan on Monday or Tuesday morning. And there is also the slight possibility I might have the egg pick up on Tuesday, which means that we might be flying back home at 6am on the morning of the pick-up! But I’m guessing that earlier timing is unlikely. It’s so silly, the one big event we have on this month, and it falls smack bang in the middle of the cycle!
But if we get our BFP, I won't care in the slightest.
LG
Nephew is cute! Very very cute. I adore him so much already. Everytime I hold him I just keep saying over and over again “He’s so cute, He’s so cute”. I think his parents are getting a bit sick of it ;)
Last night I was at their place and I got to do a feed (expressed milk), burp and nappy change. It was so precious. When I was changing him his arms and legs were just so long and little. And it was the first nappy change where he didn’t cry once, which shows he is already a big fan of Aunty Grey!
There were two tough moments. The first was when I was holding him and I thought about our upcoming cycle and Thumper. I looked down at his precious face and I said to my ovaries and uterus See, this is what we are fighting for, don’t let me down! I also prayed with tears in my eyes, “Please God, let me have a little one of my own to hold”. Most people have a stage where they just naturally attach to Children. Earl gets on famously with the 2-4 year olds. Me, I love all ages (and 2-4 is pretty awesome) but there is something about newborns that melts my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve spent time with such a new-newborn and it is creating such an ache in my heart.
Second hard moment was at dinner when Earl’s Dad did a little speech welcoming Nephew to the family. I am so glad that Nephew is here, but it still feels weird and wrong that we didn’t have the first Grandchild coming home.
But I probably should update you on what’s happening with my cycle.
Day 1 was Saturday. I began my injections yesterday. I feel like I am already bloated, though that is probably my imagination. My first scan is on Friday, when they will decide when I should take my antagonist medication, and whether I will have future scans or a trigger. I am working on the assumption I won’t be ready straight away, it’s always taken me about 5 days after my first scan before my ovaries are ready to go.
The timing is pretty sucky! Earl has an interstate graduation on Monday night. I can’t even book my flights until Friday, because I don’t know if I will have a scan on Monday or Tuesday morning. And there is also the slight possibility I might have the egg pick up on Tuesday, which means that we might be flying back home at 6am on the morning of the pick-up! But I’m guessing that earlier timing is unlikely. It’s so silly, the one big event we have on this month, and it falls smack bang in the middle of the cycle!
But if we get our BFP, I won't care in the slightest.
LG
Monday, February 13, 2012
Doctors Appointment Number 2 and getting what you pay for
There is no comparison between the two appointments I had with this doctor. The first one left Earl and I shell-shocked in tears.
The second left us smiling and happy and HOPEFUL.
In many ways it was a follow up to our positive nursing appointment last week. But the doctor was also very helpful, very attentive, and very keen to get things sorted. Firstly, I am going to get a endemetrium biopsy after I ovulate this month. Secondly, he did some bloodwork so he can decide what kind of treatment I might need to get my uterus working. Thirdly, he is insisting on the antagonist cycle, the higher meds (though not as high as was originally suggested, which I'm a bit relieved about), and if possible a twin transfer. He was actually a bit annoyed at my previous doctors for not trying any of these things.
He asked how we feel about fertilising number of eggs, given we want to transfer all we create. We decided that given our track record, even if we somehow by miracle made 12 embryos, it is unlikely that this will equal 12 babies. Though, Earl said smiling, we would take 12!
Earl and I were laughing at the differences between the private and the public system.
Public system I would have waited for at least 45 minutes in the waiting room before seeing the doctor, and at least a month after I booked. I booked this appointment last week! Public system if I needed a scan I would have had to book one the next day. The doctor wanted to check where I was at in my cycle and so did the scan on the spot. I could go on. I am so very, very, very grateful for my good experience in the public system IVF program, and I think its wonderful that the Aus gov covers such things. But I am also very glad to be given the diamond standard IVF treatment. After all we've been through, I think I deserve it!
love LG
The second left us smiling and happy and HOPEFUL.
In many ways it was a follow up to our positive nursing appointment last week. But the doctor was also very helpful, very attentive, and very keen to get things sorted. Firstly, I am going to get a endemetrium biopsy after I ovulate this month. Secondly, he did some bloodwork so he can decide what kind of treatment I might need to get my uterus working. Thirdly, he is insisting on the antagonist cycle, the higher meds (though not as high as was originally suggested, which I'm a bit relieved about), and if possible a twin transfer. He was actually a bit annoyed at my previous doctors for not trying any of these things.
He asked how we feel about fertilising number of eggs, given we want to transfer all we create. We decided that given our track record, even if we somehow by miracle made 12 embryos, it is unlikely that this will equal 12 babies. Though, Earl said smiling, we would take 12!
Earl and I were laughing at the differences between the private and the public system.
Public system I would have waited for at least 45 minutes in the waiting room before seeing the doctor, and at least a month after I booked. I booked this appointment last week! Public system if I needed a scan I would have had to book one the next day. The doctor wanted to check where I was at in my cycle and so did the scan on the spot. I could go on. I am so very, very, very grateful for my good experience in the public system IVF program, and I think its wonderful that the Aus gov covers such things. But I am also very glad to be given the diamond standard IVF treatment. After all we've been through, I think I deserve it!
love LG
The Parrallel Universe
I watch a bit of sci-fi TV. Probably too much. It's a guilty pleasure of Earl and I, and I think it's particularly helpful because it's escapism from this journey. One of the shows I watch is Fringe. I'm very aware that it can be a bit gruesome and gross for some, but it's got this fascinating story-line, centered around the idea that there are all these alternate realities in existence. Worlds that exist where things are almost the same, but with slight differences, based on different choices that people have made, or different paths that lead from those choices.
I don't believe this is the case, but I was discussing the Parallel Universe idea with my therapist the other day.
Ever since the miscarriage, I feel like I've been living one life and watching another.
When I lost Thumper, I would look out at other pregnant women and think "that could be me". I thought that would end when his due date passed. But it didn't. Suddenly there was this alternate Universe that I could just see behind a veil. There she was, lets call her Lady Pink. Lady Pink had a baby Thumper who lived. Lady Pink was excited when SIL got pregnant because now Thumper would have a cousin, and she had already produced the first grandchild. Lady Pink didn't have a SSP, or a failed IVF cycle, or take a pregnancy test after throwing up only to find out it was nothing. Lady Pink squealed with delight when her BFF was pregnant. Lady Pink wasn't told by a doctor to consider donation or surrogacy. Lady Pink wasn't setting up a study in her new house, she was setting out Thumper's things. Lady Pink has her trials, same as everyone, but she has Thumper. And as I looked at a friends baby photos, whose son was born in the same month as Thumper, I can see what I'm missing out on.
Of course, I know there is no Lady Pink. It's just the idea of might-have-been haunts me, like I never have experienced. I have had the worst 6 months of my life (its funny isn't it, I think the miscarriage itself was really, really bad, but it was after Thumpers due date that I began not to handle it)- and it feels like they were unnecessary. I should have kept Thumper.
I talked to my Therapist, asking when will I get over this. She said, wisely, maybe Miscarriages aren't things that you get over. Maybe they change you. She also mentioned that I was dealing with IF on top of miscarriage, and that separating the two in my mind might be helpful.
Ironically I am feeling hopeful for the first time this year. Really hopeful. We have a meeting with the doctor, and I am hoping, hoping that he doesn't take that hope away but has some suggestions and help for us. Hardly believing, but still dreaming, that next month I will have the BFP of my dreams.
But I still miss my Thumper.
Lady Grey
I don't believe this is the case, but I was discussing the Parallel Universe idea with my therapist the other day.
Ever since the miscarriage, I feel like I've been living one life and watching another.
When I lost Thumper, I would look out at other pregnant women and think "that could be me". I thought that would end when his due date passed. But it didn't. Suddenly there was this alternate Universe that I could just see behind a veil. There she was, lets call her Lady Pink. Lady Pink had a baby Thumper who lived. Lady Pink was excited when SIL got pregnant because now Thumper would have a cousin, and she had already produced the first grandchild. Lady Pink didn't have a SSP, or a failed IVF cycle, or take a pregnancy test after throwing up only to find out it was nothing. Lady Pink squealed with delight when her BFF was pregnant. Lady Pink wasn't told by a doctor to consider donation or surrogacy. Lady Pink wasn't setting up a study in her new house, she was setting out Thumper's things. Lady Pink has her trials, same as everyone, but she has Thumper. And as I looked at a friends baby photos, whose son was born in the same month as Thumper, I can see what I'm missing out on.
Of course, I know there is no Lady Pink. It's just the idea of might-have-been haunts me, like I never have experienced. I have had the worst 6 months of my life (its funny isn't it, I think the miscarriage itself was really, really bad, but it was after Thumpers due date that I began not to handle it)- and it feels like they were unnecessary. I should have kept Thumper.
I talked to my Therapist, asking when will I get over this. She said, wisely, maybe Miscarriages aren't things that you get over. Maybe they change you. She also mentioned that I was dealing with IF on top of miscarriage, and that separating the two in my mind might be helpful.
Ironically I am feeling hopeful for the first time this year. Really hopeful. We have a meeting with the doctor, and I am hoping, hoping that he doesn't take that hope away but has some suggestions and help for us. Hardly believing, but still dreaming, that next month I will have the BFP of my dreams.
But I still miss my Thumper.
Lady Grey
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Too much in my head
I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Quick update
Been a bad commenter and a bad blogger this week. Just been very full on, out or having people over every night, as well as been busy getting things ready for a work event which is on today. Looking forward to that being over.
The week has been made extra busy by every morning having an early blood test. Really hanging out for a sleep-in right about now!
But the good news is that we are looking on track for a transfer next week. Which is wonderful, because if I had ovulated Monday or Tuesday we would have had another month to wait.
Feeling strangely hopeful. Only things different about this time and the last two is that I'm doing acupuncture and my weight is a bit steadier. But if that helps me stay positive through the stress of the next few weeks well then I'll take it.
Hope to have some more time tomorrow to comment and the like.
LG
The week has been made extra busy by every morning having an early blood test. Really hanging out for a sleep-in right about now!
But the good news is that we are looking on track for a transfer next week. Which is wonderful, because if I had ovulated Monday or Tuesday we would have had another month to wait.
Feeling strangely hopeful. Only things different about this time and the last two is that I'm doing acupuncture and my weight is a bit steadier. But if that helps me stay positive through the stress of the next few weeks well then I'll take it.
Hope to have some more time tomorrow to comment and the like.
LG
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Not coping
I'm so tired.
We have pretty much decided to have a break this coming month. The hard thing about that is that it means that it is very, very unlikely that we will be pregnant before Thumper's due date. Which means that this coming two months are going to be horrible. Today is two months away from his due date. I can hardly bear it. Why do my babies die? :''''''''''(
I am so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. So often I hear so many happy stories of pregnancies for those who struggle with infertility. But how journey just seems to be getting blacker and blacker.
I'm not coping very well.
Please pray.
LG
We have pretty much decided to have a break this coming month. The hard thing about that is that it means that it is very, very unlikely that we will be pregnant before Thumper's due date. Which means that this coming two months are going to be horrible. Today is two months away from his due date. I can hardly bear it. Why do my babies die? :''''''''''(
I am so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. So often I hear so many happy stories of pregnancies for those who struggle with infertility. But how journey just seems to be getting blacker and blacker.
I'm not coping very well.
Please pray.
LG
Saturday, May 21, 2011
1 day and hope retreating
1 day until beta.
I have had the slightest touch of dark, old bleeding.
I am not totally without hope, but it feels like the kind of thing that is the warning of a bad day tomorrow. I'm praying like crazy, but I'm so sad, and trying to leave a bit of the emotions for tomorrow. There is still the possibility that everything is going to be good. But there is the real possibility of a big, fat, ugly negative and I am struggling.
I'm fighting off sickness so I am feeling tired and warn out as well.
Where the hell is my miracle?
LG
I have had the slightest touch of dark, old bleeding.
I am not totally without hope, but it feels like the kind of thing that is the warning of a bad day tomorrow. I'm praying like crazy, but I'm so sad, and trying to leave a bit of the emotions for tomorrow. There is still the possibility that everything is going to be good. But there is the real possibility of a big, fat, ugly negative and I am struggling.
I'm fighting off sickness so I am feeling tired and warn out as well.
Where the hell is my miracle?
LG
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Playing games
3 days until beta
It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.
After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.
And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.
And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens
I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.
My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?
One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.
But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.
But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG
It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.
After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.
And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.
And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens
I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.
My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?
One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.
But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.
But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Growing in Patience?
Some of you might be wondering why I go from cycle to cycle without a break.
There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.
And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.
A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"
And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.
Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.
But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".
Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG
There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.
And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.
A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"
And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.
Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.
But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".
Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Like a hamster on a wheel
And so it begins again.
Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.
The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF
Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!
But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.
Please Father, let it be this month!
LG
Tomorrow morning is the first bloodtest of the new cycle. And so once again we are faced with the question- will a transfer go ahead? And if it does, will there be good news.
The irony is that once again I am faced with a trip away on the weekend around when the transfer might happen. My Mum and Sister adn I try to have a weekend away together every year in May to celebrate our combined birthdays (It's April, May, June for us). Last year it was cancelled so I could be a bridesmaid at my BFs wedding, and so this one I was really looking forward to. We are going to an area famous for it's Day Spas and Mum's booked us in for dinner at one of the most famous restaurants in the state. I have been so excited about it. Now there is a chance that I might have to join them late because of bloodtests. Of course I don't care about weekends away as much as my babies- but after facing one disappointment it is hard to think that this next time will be any different. And once again something I have been looking forward to is pushed and changed due to IVF
Oh I miss Thumper so much! I am suppose to have a big belly right now. I'm suppose to be having a baby shower and decorating a nursery. I'm suppose to be getting ready to meet my son/daughter. But instead it's just another round on the hamster wheel. Spinning, Spinning, working so hard and getting nowhere!
But I am trying to be positive. My counsellor/therapist just happened to ring on my hard day last week (when I wrote my last post). Her words didn't mean much at the time, but now I think of them. That things look good. That the doctors are positive. That one negative test does not mean it will never happen.
Please Father, let it be this month!
LG
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Looking hopeful
Timing is looking great!
As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).
The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)
So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.
We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!
In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.
And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.
So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.
LG
As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).
The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)
So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.
We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!
In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.
And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.
So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.
LG
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Natural Cycle D days
Today and Tomorrow are the days.
If I ovulate today, or I ovulate tomorrow- then it's all-over-red-rover on this natural cycle and I will have to wait until next month to try again. Though Earl and I will give it a red-hot-go naturally ;P
As much as I tell myself that this is okay, I desperately want this cycle to go ahead.
Please pray that it does!
LG
If I ovulate today, or I ovulate tomorrow- then it's all-over-red-rover on this natural cycle and I will have to wait until next month to try again. Though Earl and I will give it a red-hot-go naturally ;P
As much as I tell myself that this is okay, I desperately want this cycle to go ahead.
Please pray that it does!
LG
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
It begins again
I left the house at the beautiful morning moment where every second it seems to get lighter. In the ten minutes it took to get to the medical centre it went from night to morning.
Technically the centre is not open until 7am. But the security guard lets me in anyway? 'IVF' he asks, before buzzing me up to the 4th Floor. In a weeks time he will recognise my face and not need to ask. He is lovely, kindly allowing us to wait in the warm, carpeted waiting room rather than on the street.
As I leave the elevator it hits me that last time I was in the centre, was the last time I saw Thumper alive. It is a strange, wonderful, hard, crazy thought. I push down thoughts of might-have-beens, and enter the room.
I write my name on the blood test list, and pick up a magazine.
The nurse calls out my name and I enter the room. I'm waiting for her to say the words that she has said before. She takes her time, busy filling in paper-work and preparing the equipment. But she gets there.
'Don't take this the wrong way, but I was really hoping I wouldn't see you again'
I gave a sad smile 'We made it to 9 weeks last time'. She turns around and gives me the most loving look. 'You poor thing. I've been there, done that. You don't know how hard it is until you've experienced. And after trying so long!'.
I tell her Thumper's story, the story of a different medical centre and the horrible truth it revealed. She takes my blood, I barely notice. I've had so many blood tests.
By the time I get out the sun is well and truly up, though the sky is still a pale blue. And then my day begins, and I pretend that nothing extraordinary is going on.
It begins again...
Technically the centre is not open until 7am. But the security guard lets me in anyway? 'IVF' he asks, before buzzing me up to the 4th Floor. In a weeks time he will recognise my face and not need to ask. He is lovely, kindly allowing us to wait in the warm, carpeted waiting room rather than on the street.
As I leave the elevator it hits me that last time I was in the centre, was the last time I saw Thumper alive. It is a strange, wonderful, hard, crazy thought. I push down thoughts of might-have-beens, and enter the room.
I write my name on the blood test list, and pick up a magazine.
The nurse calls out my name and I enter the room. I'm waiting for her to say the words that she has said before. She takes her time, busy filling in paper-work and preparing the equipment. But she gets there.
'Don't take this the wrong way, but I was really hoping I wouldn't see you again'
I gave a sad smile 'We made it to 9 weeks last time'. She turns around and gives me the most loving look. 'You poor thing. I've been there, done that. You don't know how hard it is until you've experienced. And after trying so long!'.
I tell her Thumper's story, the story of a different medical centre and the horrible truth it revealed. She takes my blood, I barely notice. I've had so many blood tests.
By the time I get out the sun is well and truly up, though the sky is still a pale blue. And then my day begins, and I pretend that nothing extraordinary is going on.
It begins again...
Friday, March 4, 2011
Anxiety
This week, despite the fact that I have been a little bit sick, has actually been great. On Tuesday I called up the clinic and confirmed a few things about the coming cycle, which theoretically should start in two weeks, though with my cycles it could be a little bit longer.
We will be doing a "natural" cycle, which means they will monitor me to find out when I ovulate and to make sure the uterus lining is in a decent shape, then they will do the embryo transfer when my body is ready. At that point I will be taking one progesterone pessarie just to keep the lining strong. I will presumably take Clexane (blood thinners) as well, since it has been so successful in the last three cycles (I went from one biochem pregnancy in 5 transfers, to one slightly positive test and one BFP in three transfers).
We will also have a meeting with the lovely, wonderful Dr L, our favourite of all of the doctors in the clinic, just before the new cycle, which is really just a follow-up from the Misscarriage to see if he thinks there is anything we should know about the coming cycles and what his advice is for us going forward.
Being so close to "doing something" is returning me to my more cheerful self. It is always the way. I LOVE doing something. It just makes me feel like this baby thing is around the corner rather than a million years away. Strange that in the last few years, my happiest moments have been when I've been stabbing myself with neddles or lying down with Progesterone Pessaries!
Though when Earl and I went out for dinner two nights ago, I think it both hit us that this time is different. We voiced fears that neither of us had liked to think about. The BFN or even worse, another misscarriage.
This time we just don't know how we will face another failer. I am happy because I am believing that it is going to work. And if it doesn't...I don't exactly know what that will mean. I suspect it will definately mean something new. In the past, after a failed cycle I would grieve the evening away, and then go back to work, depressed but functional. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.
I am so scared and yet excited.
Please, please, please Father, let this next little Embryo be the one that stays!
LG
We will be doing a "natural" cycle, which means they will monitor me to find out when I ovulate and to make sure the uterus lining is in a decent shape, then they will do the embryo transfer when my body is ready. At that point I will be taking one progesterone pessarie just to keep the lining strong. I will presumably take Clexane (blood thinners) as well, since it has been so successful in the last three cycles (I went from one biochem pregnancy in 5 transfers, to one slightly positive test and one BFP in three transfers).
We will also have a meeting with the lovely, wonderful Dr L, our favourite of all of the doctors in the clinic, just before the new cycle, which is really just a follow-up from the Misscarriage to see if he thinks there is anything we should know about the coming cycles and what his advice is for us going forward.
Being so close to "doing something" is returning me to my more cheerful self. It is always the way. I LOVE doing something. It just makes me feel like this baby thing is around the corner rather than a million years away. Strange that in the last few years, my happiest moments have been when I've been stabbing myself with neddles or lying down with Progesterone Pessaries!
Though when Earl and I went out for dinner two nights ago, I think it both hit us that this time is different. We voiced fears that neither of us had liked to think about. The BFN or even worse, another misscarriage.
This time we just don't know how we will face another failer. I am happy because I am believing that it is going to work. And if it doesn't...I don't exactly know what that will mean. I suspect it will definately mean something new. In the past, after a failed cycle I would grieve the evening away, and then go back to work, depressed but functional. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.
I am so scared and yet excited.
Please, please, please Father, let this next little Embryo be the one that stays!
LG
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)