No Regrets

I'd like to take you back just about 4 years ago.  To a small consulting room in a public hospital in Sydney.  And to a consultation with the most insensitive doctor imaginable.

I won't go into the details of the consultation, our first after finding out that I had PCOS.  Needless to say he believed that IVF was the way to go, and wasn't interested in discussing anything else, most particularly our views and thoughts on what was ethically appropriate.

Of course, we did go onto to do IVF (doing our best not to have him as our doctor while we did!), and now we prepare for our last.  But there is something in that terrible appointment that is still with me, and I can't help remembering it.

The doctor talked about a scenario in the future, when we are old and we are meeting a peer who says, "These are my Grandkids, where are yours'".  It is a horribly insensitive, terrible picture for an IFer.  But the point he made was this: "You may be able to have kids, you may not.  But you don't want to be that elderly person, filled with regrets with what you didn't do".

I still disagree with the premise behind his words.  Earl and I will only do what we think is right for any children we make, and if that means we don't have kids, then there will still be no regrets.  But that idea of no regrets has been a huge part of this cycle, started last night with my first injection.

We bought Earl some sperm assisting vitamins.  Now there has never been a problem that anyone has observed with Earl's sperm.  But you never know with these things, and I don't want to ever think- we could have done more and didn't.  No regrets.

I'm back on the vitamins I was on when we got pregnant with Thumper.  Again, nothing the doctor has told us to do, nothing special or significant about this mix of supplements.  But I would kick myself if I didn't do my best to replicate Thumper conditions.  No regrets.

The biggest one I'm failing on, the one that I'm really worried about regretting is my weight.  I am a little bit over-weight, and at least 3, maybe 4kg over what I was when I got pregnant with Thumper.  This worries me somewhat, but unless I do some crazy diet (which I don't think is a good idea is the throws of IVF, and lets face it, anytime!), I think I just have to live with it.  I'm still not very overweight, I'm still a great deal less than I was when I started this process, and I am going to exercise my butt off in the coming weeks.  So that can't hurt the process.  But I really hope its not something I regret into the future, and it definitely makes me feel guilty and sad.

Earl asked what I was writing on and I told him and he told me I was being ridiculous if I thought that a couple of kilos would make a difference.  I feel a bit better.

And our doctor is trying everything, even things he doesn't feel are particularly scientific, because he doesn't want us with any regrets either.

But there is another thing about this no regrets thing.  Part of it is the nature of this last cycle.  We have really tried everything.  Everything.  We've had a red hot go at IVF.  We've tried, and if it doesn't happen now, well then, we did our best.  There is something incredibly freeing about this.  I will be sad, I will be disappointed.  But I will have no regrets.  We did everything we could, and we did it upholding what we believe is right.

And there is a sense in which, if this doesn't work, then ED is the next path, and it is a good one.

No regrets.  But oh for a few less kgs!
LG

Guilt and grieving

There is a fair bit of grieving going on in our house.

Not just about our embaby, but about Embryo donation.  While we are really excited about it, there are alot of things that both Earl and I need to grieve, as we move onto our last 'chance' (for want of a better word) to have genetic children.

I feel a little guilty.  I think because as I process this concept I spend alot of time inside the head of my potential children.  What will they be thinking?  Will they be wondering about their genetic parents?  Will they feel cheated about not living with genetic siblings (particularly if for some reason we can only have one child)?  Will they doubt our love for them?  I always thought I'd love to show my kids this blog one day, so they can get a sense of what life was like waiting for them, so they can know about their little embaby brothers and sisters, and so they can see just how wanted they are.  But now I feel funny about that idea.  Will my talk about our grief make them feel like they are not loved and wanted.

But there is grieving involved, and it's real.  And its not just the grieving that my children are unlikely to have my husbands green eyes.  It's also grieving the "simpleness" of having your own genetic child.  There are so many things that have to be sorted, so many conversations that have to be had.  So many worries that wouldn't be there if we weren't going down this path.  We want to do it, we want to have kids, and we want to have kids this way.  And we love the idea of giving an opportunity of life to an already existing embaby.  But the grief is real and normal and just part of the process that comes when things don't happen like you always imagined.  A process we have been through before, many times on this crazy journey.

It's made me decide that despite waiting lists I am happy to wait until after our Stim cycle to begin the process of going on our clinics waiting list.  Part of the process is two counselling appointment, and I thought I could get one or both "out of the way" before we finish stim cycle number last.  But the more I think about it the more I think these appointments aren't just hurdles to jump over but they are important.  They are important for us as we get ready for this next step.  They are a chance to grieve and talk and think and pray.  And perhaps it is better to have them when ED is not just potential step if our stim cycle doesn't work, but when we know this is the next step.  I suspect then there will be alot more grieving, but also alot more excitement at this special new way that God might grow our family.

But I guess the question comes, will I show my kids this blog anyway?  I think I will.  I think it's okay for them to understand the grief, and it won't necessarily make them feel unloved.

And Genetic or not, I have a funny idea that any kids we have are going to be so very loved, so adored and cared for and cuddled, that they are not going to doubt our love for them.  And if they are in doubt, I will be telling them I love them everyday anyway.
LG