There is a fair bit of grieving going on in our house.
Not just about our embaby, but about Embryo donation. While we are really excited about it, there are alot of things that both Earl and I need to grieve, as we move onto our last 'chance' (for want of a better word) to have genetic children.
I feel a little guilty. I think because as I process this concept I spend alot of time inside the head of my potential children. What will they be thinking? Will they be wondering about their genetic parents? Will they feel cheated about not living with genetic siblings (particularly if for some reason we can only have one child)? Will they doubt our love for them? I always thought I'd love to show my kids this blog one day, so they can get a sense of what life was like waiting for them, so they can know about their little embaby brothers and sisters, and so they can see just how wanted they are. But now I feel funny about that idea. Will my talk about our grief make them feel like they are not loved and wanted.
But there is grieving involved, and it's real. And its not just the grieving that my children are unlikely to have my husbands green eyes. It's also grieving the "simpleness" of having your own genetic child. There are so many things that have to be sorted, so many conversations that have to be had. So many worries that wouldn't be there if we weren't going down this path. We want to do it, we want to have kids, and we want to have kids this way. And we love the idea of giving an opportunity of life to an already existing embaby. But the grief is real and normal and just part of the process that comes when things don't happen like you always imagined. A process we have been through before, many times on this crazy journey.
It's made me decide that despite waiting lists I am happy to wait until after our Stim cycle to begin the process of going on our clinics waiting list. Part of the process is two counselling appointment, and I thought I could get one or both "out of the way" before we finish stim cycle number last. But the more I think about it the more I think these appointments aren't just hurdles to jump over but they are important. They are important for us as we get ready for this next step. They are a chance to grieve and talk and think and pray. And perhaps it is better to have them when ED is not just potential step if our stim cycle doesn't work, but when we know this is the next step. I suspect then there will be alot more grieving, but also alot more excitement at this special new way that God might grow our family.
But I guess the question comes, will I show my kids this blog anyway? I think I will. I think it's okay for them to understand the grief, and it won't necessarily make them feel unloved.
And Genetic or not, I have a funny idea that any kids we have are going to be so very loved, so adored and cared for and cuddled, that they are not going to doubt our love for them. And if they are in doubt, I will be telling them I love them everyday anyway.