Guilt and grieving

There is a fair bit of grieving going on in our house.

Not just about our embaby, but about Embryo donation.  While we are really excited about it, there are alot of things that both Earl and I need to grieve, as we move onto our last 'chance' (for want of a better word) to have genetic children.

I feel a little guilty.  I think because as I process this concept I spend alot of time inside the head of my potential children.  What will they be thinking?  Will they be wondering about their genetic parents?  Will they feel cheated about not living with genetic siblings (particularly if for some reason we can only have one child)?  Will they doubt our love for them?  I always thought I'd love to show my kids this blog one day, so they can get a sense of what life was like waiting for them, so they can know about their little embaby brothers and sisters, and so they can see just how wanted they are.  But now I feel funny about that idea.  Will my talk about our grief make them feel like they are not loved and wanted.

But there is grieving involved, and it's real.  And its not just the grieving that my children are unlikely to have my husbands green eyes.  It's also grieving the "simpleness" of having your own genetic child.  There are so many things that have to be sorted, so many conversations that have to be had.  So many worries that wouldn't be there if we weren't going down this path.  We want to do it, we want to have kids, and we want to have kids this way.  And we love the idea of giving an opportunity of life to an already existing embaby.  But the grief is real and normal and just part of the process that comes when things don't happen like you always imagined.  A process we have been through before, many times on this crazy journey.

It's made me decide that despite waiting lists I am happy to wait until after our Stim cycle to begin the process of going on our clinics waiting list.  Part of the process is two counselling appointment, and I thought I could get one or both "out of the way" before we finish stim cycle number last.  But the more I think about it the more I think these appointments aren't just hurdles to jump over but they are important.  They are important for us as we get ready for this next step.  They are a chance to grieve and talk and think and pray.  And perhaps it is better to have them when ED is not just potential step if our stim cycle doesn't work, but when we know this is the next step.  I suspect then there will be alot more grieving, but also alot more excitement at this special new way that God might grow our family.

But I guess the question comes, will I show my kids this blog anyway?  I think I will.  I think it's okay for them to understand the grief, and it won't necessarily make them feel unloved.

And Genetic or not, I have a funny idea that any kids we have are going to be so very loved, so adored and cared for and cuddled, that they are not going to doubt our love for them.  And if they are in doubt, I will be telling them I love them everyday anyway.
LG

Constant rebuilding

One of the hardest things about IF is that just when you pull yourself together, something happens that makes you fall apart again.

It has been a pretty good week overall. I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog, but in my spare time I am a writer. I have been writing a novel for the last 5 years (Ironically I started right when we started trying for kiddies) and am very close to completion. Anyway, this week I was able to spend lots of time on it, and I love it. Really, the happiest I ever am is when I'm writing. Partly it's just living out the life of my character, who faces pretty tough things but whose "happily ever after" I have complete control over. But it makes me so happy, and it's been a Godsend with the news of last week.

Earlier in the week when I had not been coping, I booked an appointment with a Therapist. So yesterday I went in. It was wonderful. She was wonderful. It was like talking to my old therapist. She was filled with hope, so enthusiastic about my chances. She had some really helpful info about Embryo donation- including that the waiting lists at our clinic had gone down to as low as 3 months! I came out feeling like we would have a baby soon, and if we couldn't, then embryo donation would actually be a really great alternative.

That afternoon we had our appointment with our doctor. Not so positive. He looked at our embryo quality, and said everything looked good. He was happy with fertilisation, happy with how they turned out. But once again they didn't stick. He said his money was on genetically abnormal embryos.

We are going to go ahead with one more stimulated cycle after our frozen transfer. But he doesn't think this is something that can go on forever. He thinks there isn't much more they can do after that.

Earl and I had an emotional couple of hours talking about it. Talking about embryo adoption. Re-talking about donor eggs. It was tough. But good. I felt like I pulled myself together.

I had a great night, celebrating my birthday with Earl's family.

Then as we headed home, Earl told me some news.

My friend Mrs L is pregnant again.

Mrs L is my friend who was trying similiar time as me. Who got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. Who had one frozen embryo that didn't survive the thaw. Who decided with her husband that they weren't up for another cycle now, that they would wait a few years, and then try again.

Pregnant naturally.

I love her, I love her son and I will love her child. I don't begrudge this.

BUT WHERE IS MY MIRACLE!

It's funny. You do your best to think positively about your situation. You decide it's okay that you didn't get pregnant right away. You decide that it's okay that conception doesn't happens through s3x. You decide that its okay that it takes a while, as long as it happens. You decide, finally, that maybe it will be okay if they are not genetically my kids, because at least I will have a baby.

Then someone gets what you so desperately want and you think. Yes, I'm okay with all this. But why do I have to make all these compromises when someone in exactly the same situation as me, gets everything!

Think it's time for another trip to the counsellor. 24 hours later.
LG
PS Love to HJ, I am so very, very sorry about your BFN. You know, I keep having these dreams that one day I will go to the US and meet you and we will have children to show each other. I am still praying for that to happen friend. I'm so sorry.

Friday it is, and a the weird happy/sad results

Friday it is. We will find out after 3pm what time, but we have the day, I have the ultra complicated adding powder to liquid injection to do, and then we have lift off. The doctor and the nurse are happy with the numbers and size, they seem smaller and less than I remember there should be, so I am a bit lost at how to think. The nurse seemed surprised that i should be worried. Doc thinks there are four good ones, and we might get some of the smaller ones if we are lucky.

Anyway, happy/sad result was not about the scan but about the biopsy and my blood results. Doc says I have (and this is a direct quote) "A text book uterus". Everything was doing exactly what it was suppose to be doing. Doc is ready (as much as you can know in this business) to rule out any Uterus problems.

He then went onto say that it is probably Embryo issues.

Hard to hear just before a cycle.

Of course, the first step in a solution to embryo problems is to change around the stimulation, which is what we are doing. So in some senses I should be happy about that. But I guess I was hoping that there might be an easy fix solution to our problems in time for this cycle, and that is unlikely to be the case.

But this news also throws wide open the Embryo Adoption option.

And even though we would love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love (I won't keep writing it, but you get the idea) for this to work right now, and to get our little half Lady/Earl baby, the idea that there might be an alternative if this doesn't work is a wonderful relief.

Earl was saying, people always talk about babies being "blood of my blood". He said the thing that really appeals about EA is that the baby will share my blood in the womb. That is a really nice image. I think he's a little sad at the prospect of the baby not sharing his blood, but not sad enough not to want to do it.

So here we are. Trying again. Praying for our miraculous cycle. But feeling like babies are likely to be in our future, whatever the outcome.

LG
PS Funeral is day before transfer, on my rest day. So all in all a very emotion packed week.

Getting through the dark times

Last night was a dark time.

When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.

Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.

SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.

But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to

But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.

This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.

In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!

But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?

Two things made me smile last night.

Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.

The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.

Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?

I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.

Earl was horrified when I told him.

But suddenly we both started to laugh.

"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".

We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG

The most random of phone calls.

I had the randomist call today.

One of my friends called saying she knew someone who knew someone who was putting their soon-to-be-due baby up for adoption and would we like it!

I should explain that in Australia it is so much more complicated than that. There is a huge application process that you must go through to adopt, and even then, there are waiting lists and legal fees and all kinds of things you need to go through before you can adopt a baby. She was making an offer that she had no ability to deliver on.

But it was very sweet of my friend to think of me, sweet that she knew how much we wanted a child and was willing to do the worlds most awkward phone call to make it happen..

In some strange way it made me hopeful.

Because I was feeling really, really low today. Feeling like Children were so very far away. But this call cheered me up. Because somewhere out there, there is an Australia women who is dying to be a Mum. And a baby, to be born in March, that was unofficially offered to me, will become her little child. Today is her day. And that is so exciting.

And one day, I will become a Mum. It may be through a pregnancy, it may be through embryo adoption, or it may be through a phone call saying "Congratulations- we have a child for you".

And that day, my day, that is worth all the wait in the world.
LG

Starving to death

Had a couple of really bad days. Yes, I am okay with adopting if thats where things are going. II will be a Mum to whoever will take me. What I cannot face is the 5-10 years it takes in Australia to adopt.

just before Christmas my youngest sister-in-law mentioned she really wants to buy and be settled in a house by the end of next year. Then she gave a coy little smile that shattered me. My very little BIL and SIL are going to try this year and the idea is killing me.

It is hard enough with my first SIL and her massive beautiful heart-breaking belly, another one, I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm starving to death-watching those around me eat a 6course feast

And they are complaining there is not enough salt.

:'(

LG