Best laid plans...
I was away until Saturday night, so I already knew we were looking at a late update for 27 weeks. And even though I am normally wreaked on Sunday night, after two days away, and someone teaching my Sunday school class, I thought I would be up to it.
Best laid plans?
About 10minutes before we were set to head for church, I got sudden chest pain. It was accompanied by happy boy kicks, so I wasn't worried about the kids, but had no idea what it was or what to do. And it didn't go away. I called a pregnancy hotline, and the lady said though it didn't sound like an emergency, I better go to hospital and check it out.
So, a rather worried Earl went to church, and Mum picked me up and I . Was off to maternity emergency yet again.
The pain was dull, and across my whole chest. There was no pattern, sometime sitting helped, sometimes lying was better, nothing was comfortable.
The nurse gave me antacid just in case it was heart burn, and a ECG scan just in case it was a heart attack. After my initial worries faded, I had no trouble breathing, so we ruled out the lungs. My Dad came and joined us, then Earl. I felt embarrassed by the circus, but very loved.
My blood pressure was normal, and my engagement ring still fit on my finger, so I very happily ruled out pre eclampsia.
And my mum got to hear the babies heart beats, so that was special.
In the end? The doc ruled it muscular skeletal, probably just high babies putting sudden pressure on my expanding ribs. She had no thoughts of how long it might last. i got the vibe its just a cost of multiples. I was relieved but worried about what this pain meant.
That night the pain was worse. And I cried to God and the babies, I was happy to be in pain for 10 weeks if it meant my boys were okay, but that didn't mean it didn't make me very upset.
About midnight the pain disappeared.
The next day I felt better than I had for weeks. I don't know why, perhaps it was just the contrast. I'm still nervous the pain will come back, but I am relishing every moment of pain free activity!
So, no update this week. Next week will be a huge one, with my weekend away, baby shower, and more antenatal class to report on. But I find a trip to the emergency room makes a long enough post.
And the triage nurse recognised me! Good grief!
LG
Monday, March 18, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Quick update
I'm heading away bright and early tomorrow, but I thought I'd say quickly we had another good scan. Dancer is. 20-25th percentile and BH is living up to his name, now up to 75! But doc was happy. So much I could say about this week but no time, but lets leave it with the fact that my boys healthy-the only highlight a week needs!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Unfounded In Law fears
I've been meaning to write this post for ages. Well, since its a public holiday, and I am just up from an arvo nap, but hiding out of the unseasonably warm March heat in our air-conned bedroom, this seems as good a time as any to write it.
As many of my long term readers would know, in mid 2011, three days after Thumpers due date, my sister-in-law called us up to tell us she was pregnant. It was probably one of the hardest moments of our infertility struggle, after Thumpers death of course. Partly it was shock, SIL had given the impression she was going back to Uni, her hubby was studying, and as I would learn later, nephew wasn't actually planned. But the biggest issue was I thought I'd be first. First Grandchild on both sides. So many images I had of being pregnant rested on that fact. And fears began to surface then, that my baby wouldn't be as important to Earl's family as hers because mine wasn't the first.
After a few weeks, I began to feel silly about this. Of course they would love my kids just the same. But I made the mistake of talking to my BFF about it, who was trying to get pregnant at the time. Now, as a way of explanation, my BFF has a complicated, somewhat unhealthy relationship with her parents, partly wrapped up in her feeling that her sister is more loved than her. I should have realised she wasn't the best person to talk with about it. But after I told her my fears and how silly they were, she said " No, there is something special about the first Grandchild." She gave the example of how her parents would never have dreamed of being away when her sisters first baby was born, but had informed her that they had a trip to Europe planned and wouldn't change it if she got pregnant. (On a side note, they make me so mad! Fancy saying that to your daughter, even before you knew if it would happen). Well, despite latter realising that it was easier for my insecure friend to believe that a first grand children are special than that she wasn't as important as her sister, her words stuck with me and my insecurities grew.
The final nail in the coffin was my sister-in-law and brother-in-law moving in with Earl's parents. That was it I thought. They would see him every day. He was the favourite, that was just how it would be. And my sister in law, who I thought would have been so excited about being an Aunty, would be too busy with her own to care.
Earl thought the whole thing ridiculous, and even got a bit angry "my family don't play favourites, don't make it a competition!"
Fast forward to now?
My fears are completely unfounded.
True, my father in law has a special bond with nephew. How could he not? He is not an emotional man, but he's great with kids, and I love seeing that side of him. He may not have as many opportunities to bond with my boys but he will love them in ways I couldn't even picture before.
My mother in law is so relieved and excited that we are pregnant. And she is so sensitive and caring, she goes out of her way to show me how she will love our boys the same as nephew. She even quit one part time job so she could have a day a week set aside for helping me with the boys. And while she might have one Grandson living with her, she has so many ideas and dreams about the boys all playing at her house. In fact, my sister in law said, Earl's Mum doesn't want to tread on my toes, but she is so keen to help and be involved, so as long as I'm clear I need the help, she will come over all the time.
And Sister in Law. Not excited about my babies?
I couldn't be more wrong. Besides my Dad, no one is more visibly excited. She is more excited than she would have been without a son. Because now the boys are cousins and I am a fellow Mum. She is so excited about the future fun we will have, and the relationships in the two families. She was close to her cousins, and she wants that for our boys.
So my fears were unfounded. And I'm reminded that sometimes when things don't turn out like you plan, they can sometimes be better.
LG
As many of my long term readers would know, in mid 2011, three days after Thumpers due date, my sister-in-law called us up to tell us she was pregnant. It was probably one of the hardest moments of our infertility struggle, after Thumpers death of course. Partly it was shock, SIL had given the impression she was going back to Uni, her hubby was studying, and as I would learn later, nephew wasn't actually planned. But the biggest issue was I thought I'd be first. First Grandchild on both sides. So many images I had of being pregnant rested on that fact. And fears began to surface then, that my baby wouldn't be as important to Earl's family as hers because mine wasn't the first.
After a few weeks, I began to feel silly about this. Of course they would love my kids just the same. But I made the mistake of talking to my BFF about it, who was trying to get pregnant at the time. Now, as a way of explanation, my BFF has a complicated, somewhat unhealthy relationship with her parents, partly wrapped up in her feeling that her sister is more loved than her. I should have realised she wasn't the best person to talk with about it. But after I told her my fears and how silly they were, she said " No, there is something special about the first Grandchild." She gave the example of how her parents would never have dreamed of being away when her sisters first baby was born, but had informed her that they had a trip to Europe planned and wouldn't change it if she got pregnant. (On a side note, they make me so mad! Fancy saying that to your daughter, even before you knew if it would happen). Well, despite latter realising that it was easier for my insecure friend to believe that a first grand children are special than that she wasn't as important as her sister, her words stuck with me and my insecurities grew.
The final nail in the coffin was my sister-in-law and brother-in-law moving in with Earl's parents. That was it I thought. They would see him every day. He was the favourite, that was just how it would be. And my sister in law, who I thought would have been so excited about being an Aunty, would be too busy with her own to care.
Earl thought the whole thing ridiculous, and even got a bit angry "my family don't play favourites, don't make it a competition!"
Fast forward to now?
My fears are completely unfounded.
True, my father in law has a special bond with nephew. How could he not? He is not an emotional man, but he's great with kids, and I love seeing that side of him. He may not have as many opportunities to bond with my boys but he will love them in ways I couldn't even picture before.
My mother in law is so relieved and excited that we are pregnant. And she is so sensitive and caring, she goes out of her way to show me how she will love our boys the same as nephew. She even quit one part time job so she could have a day a week set aside for helping me with the boys. And while she might have one Grandson living with her, she has so many ideas and dreams about the boys all playing at her house. In fact, my sister in law said, Earl's Mum doesn't want to tread on my toes, but she is so keen to help and be involved, so as long as I'm clear I need the help, she will come over all the time.
And Sister in Law. Not excited about my babies?
I couldn't be more wrong. Besides my Dad, no one is more visibly excited. She is more excited than she would have been without a son. Because now the boys are cousins and I am a fellow Mum. She is so excited about the future fun we will have, and the relationships in the two families. She was close to her cousins, and she wants that for our boys.
So my fears were unfounded. And I'm reminded that sometimes when things don't turn out like you plan, they can sometimes be better.
LG
Friday, March 8, 2013
26 weeks
Yesterday was ticker day. As of today I am 26 weeks and it is a lovely feeling. Babies are both kicking away and I'm actually looking forward to Wednesdays scan. In fact, there is lots to look forward to this week.
Monday is a public holiday, and we'll be hanging out with friends for a picnic lunch.
Wednesday before the scan my Nan and my Dad will take me shopping so Nan can buy the boys their first cot.
Wednesday night we have our twins specific antenatal class
And Thursday I'm off on a two day holiday with my Mum and Sister. We are having a pampering weekend at a spa which has special packages for pregnant women. And as Mum is organising, it will be amazing, me friendly food :)
Update
Pregnant: 26 weeks and one day
Weight: I don't think to weigh myself. But I'm not too worried
Movement: so much more consistent, which is a great blessing given how reassured it makes me feel :)
Physically: getting less mobile, and I feel a bit whalish getting out of bed or off a seat. I'm getting quite achy and I made the call today to put my rings on a necklace. Glad I have skinny ankles and wrists, so my puffy feet look pretty normal now.
Work: I love my job, but I am feeling ready to finish. It takes so little to tire me out.
Belly: navel is holding out, but I often feel great pressure
Mood: much better this week. Getting back to usual happy self, and dealing with anxiety better.
GD: Managed well, but I'm over it. Not because I'm craving sweets, just because it is a lot of work. I'm sick of having so many things to take into account.
Overall a great week. And every week the weight lifts a little as my boys approach safer and safer territory.
LG
Monday is a public holiday, and we'll be hanging out with friends for a picnic lunch.
Wednesday before the scan my Nan and my Dad will take me shopping so Nan can buy the boys their first cot.
Wednesday night we have our twins specific antenatal class
And Thursday I'm off on a two day holiday with my Mum and Sister. We are having a pampering weekend at a spa which has special packages for pregnant women. And as Mum is organising, it will be amazing, me friendly food :)
Update
Pregnant: 26 weeks and one day
Weight: I don't think to weigh myself. But I'm not too worried
Movement: so much more consistent, which is a great blessing given how reassured it makes me feel :)
Physically: getting less mobile, and I feel a bit whalish getting out of bed or off a seat. I'm getting quite achy and I made the call today to put my rings on a necklace. Glad I have skinny ankles and wrists, so my puffy feet look pretty normal now.
Work: I love my job, but I am feeling ready to finish. It takes so little to tire me out.
Belly: navel is holding out, but I often feel great pressure
Mood: much better this week. Getting back to usual happy self, and dealing with anxiety better.
GD: Managed well, but I'm over it. Not because I'm craving sweets, just because it is a lot of work. I'm sick of having so many things to take into account.
Overall a great week. And every week the weight lifts a little as my boys approach safer and safer territory.
LG
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
The strong one?
I had my appointment with the mental health doctor on Monday.
Originally it was booked after our horror 21 week scan. But I didn't feel up to cancelling it, because I didn't know what would happen and I knew deep down that I was struggling.
I've been so anxious about this pregnancy, and just feeling overwhelmed.
And I hate it.
Because I'm supposed to be strong.
I've done 3 years of IVF. And most of those years I've worked with children and mums. I've gone to work the day after BFNs. My counsellor has always praised me for my strength.
And here I was. So incredibly blessed with two little babies who are doing well and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety.
And to add to that, anxiety that might effect the babes. So that makes me anxious more.
The appointment was good. We talked through some techniques to helping with anxiety. I'm going to try to up my exercise again, to sleep more, and to watch my bodies reactions and calm myself down.
But the two most helpful things?
First, she said "remind yourself these feelings will pass". Yesterday BH was surprisingly still. And as anxiety rose I said to myself: this will pass, it always does. And I calmed down. And eventually BH was his usual kicky self.
The second thing? She said my anxiety was completely normal. "Anyone who has been through what you've been through would feel the same."
With that comment, some of the guilt went away. Yes, I was anxious. But after 6 years if, a nine week miscarriage and a horror scan , it was normal. It's not that I'm weak or a unloving mother.
I'm just human.
I have so much to learn.
LG
Originally it was booked after our horror 21 week scan. But I didn't feel up to cancelling it, because I didn't know what would happen and I knew deep down that I was struggling.
I've been so anxious about this pregnancy, and just feeling overwhelmed.
And I hate it.
Because I'm supposed to be strong.
I've done 3 years of IVF. And most of those years I've worked with children and mums. I've gone to work the day after BFNs. My counsellor has always praised me for my strength.
And here I was. So incredibly blessed with two little babies who are doing well and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety.
And to add to that, anxiety that might effect the babes. So that makes me anxious more.
The appointment was good. We talked through some techniques to helping with anxiety. I'm going to try to up my exercise again, to sleep more, and to watch my bodies reactions and calm myself down.
But the two most helpful things?
First, she said "remind yourself these feelings will pass". Yesterday BH was surprisingly still. And as anxiety rose I said to myself: this will pass, it always does. And I calmed down. And eventually BH was his usual kicky self.
The second thing? She said my anxiety was completely normal. "Anyone who has been through what you've been through would feel the same."
With that comment, some of the guilt went away. Yes, I was anxious. But after 6 years if, a nine week miscarriage and a horror scan , it was normal. It's not that I'm weak or a unloving mother.
I'm just human.
I have so much to learn.
LG
Thursday, February 28, 2013
25 weeks and one more good scan
There is a certain satisfaction I get from my pregnancy ticker. Each time I flick over a week I end up looking at the ticker and smiling. 25!
The night before the scan, I had a nightmare that we lost Dancer. It was ridiculous otherwise (Earl's chemist uncle did the scan and our whole church was in the waiting room, but the feeling when I woke up made me sick. My anxiety levels get pretty high, after a scan they are better but then the scans approach again. Generally these last two weeks I've been an emotional mess. I'm seeing a mental health nurse on Monday to help.
But the scan was indeed good. We now measure in percentile s and Dancer is 20th percentile and tracking well (growing exactly as you'd expect a baby to grow in two weeks). BH is 60th. They are now in what the tech describes as a ying and yang position, dancer head down and BH head up.
Up to: 25 weeks today!
Weight: not sure, but I've been putting on a little over a kilo between my two weekly visit and that is perfect!
Movement: Dancer is getting harder with his kicks. Feeling less anxious about kicks which is good though it is post scan so ask me in a week.
Gender: getting more and more excited about boys. Earl's cousin is in labour with a boy as we speak, and I'm hoping she doesn't steal our names! Though our third favourite name we came up with today is pretty cute so I am caring less than I did yesterday.
GD: for the first time this pregnancy, actually feeling good. No hypos this week and any high readings are small. Doc warned me today though that placentas take off size wise at 28 weeks so need to prepare for that!
Emotions: As I said, anxiety through the roof. Partly it's my inability to prepare for change, even awesome change. Earl is busy with work and stressed, which doesn't help.
Shopping: putting off until after the baby shower! Speaking of which, I keep forgetting to invite people. Ops!
Bump: belly button is getting strained!
All I can think of for now. So relieved our babies are doing so well. Even starting to process the idea they might be several months away. Happy for them to keep cooking.
Feeling sad because politics is rearing it's ugly head, in the IF world, and in my work place. I try to avoid all I can, but it's hard. I like supporting and helping everyone, and want people to assume the best of each other. Doesn't always happen sadly.
But my boys are growing and kicking. And given the last six years, I would take that with politics any old day!
The night before the scan, I had a nightmare that we lost Dancer. It was ridiculous otherwise (Earl's chemist uncle did the scan and our whole church was in the waiting room, but the feeling when I woke up made me sick. My anxiety levels get pretty high, after a scan they are better but then the scans approach again. Generally these last two weeks I've been an emotional mess. I'm seeing a mental health nurse on Monday to help.
But the scan was indeed good. We now measure in percentile s and Dancer is 20th percentile and tracking well (growing exactly as you'd expect a baby to grow in two weeks). BH is 60th. They are now in what the tech describes as a ying and yang position, dancer head down and BH head up.
Up to: 25 weeks today!
Weight: not sure, but I've been putting on a little over a kilo between my two weekly visit and that is perfect!
Movement: Dancer is getting harder with his kicks. Feeling less anxious about kicks which is good though it is post scan so ask me in a week.
Gender: getting more and more excited about boys. Earl's cousin is in labour with a boy as we speak, and I'm hoping she doesn't steal our names! Though our third favourite name we came up with today is pretty cute so I am caring less than I did yesterday.
GD: for the first time this pregnancy, actually feeling good. No hypos this week and any high readings are small. Doc warned me today though that placentas take off size wise at 28 weeks so need to prepare for that!
Emotions: As I said, anxiety through the roof. Partly it's my inability to prepare for change, even awesome change. Earl is busy with work and stressed, which doesn't help.
Shopping: putting off until after the baby shower! Speaking of which, I keep forgetting to invite people. Ops!
Bump: belly button is getting strained!
All I can think of for now. So relieved our babies are doing so well. Even starting to process the idea they might be several months away. Happy for them to keep cooking.
Feeling sad because politics is rearing it's ugly head, in the IF world, and in my work place. I try to avoid all I can, but it's hard. I like supporting and helping everyone, and want people to assume the best of each other. Doesn't always happen sadly.
But my boys are growing and kicking. And given the last six years, I would take that with politics any old day!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
24 weeks!
I always thought it rather strange when people celebrated viability. Now it makes perfect sense. Now every day is a day that makes my buba's stronger for the outside world!
How far : 24 weeks, 2 days
Weight: last week I wrote weight, planned to fill it in, and never got around to weighing myself :) this week I am 77.3 kg which I am thrilled about. Somewhere I read that 10 kgs at 24 week is the best guide line for avoiding pre term labour and I've reached that just. It could be hog wash, but it was good to have a small goal to reach!
Belly: big and still cute. The weird thing is now I can feel weird ridges and bumps sometimes, where I assume a head or a butt is resting.
Movement: BH is a strong boy! The kicks are really overwhelming. Earl has now felt his first kick. The silly thing is that now I stress that dancers kicks are too light. Basically I am worrying all the time, depending on who is kicking more. I know this is not helpful, but I don't know how to stop, given kicking is the only indicator I have. But one highlight was Dancer putting pressure on my belly, so it felt like a kick but was constant. I put my hand there and it felt like I was giving him a cuddle.
Cravings: Greek yoghurt is my chocolate. I go through at least three 500g tubs a week.
Emotions: a bit all over the place. I wish I could relax in this pregnancy but I don't know if that's possible.
What I miss: I don't normally do this, because what I have is so great, but I miss holding my nephew. He is just too big and heavy for a pregnant lady to hold (and over protective sister in law won't allow it anyway!). We "talk" and I will sometimes hold his hand when he cruises, and he still adores me, but I do miss our cuddles.
GD: much better with meal specific insulin. Funny thing, yesterday I got the highest reading I'd ever had and panicked. I was a little early so I waited ten minutes and then tried again. Even higher! I knew that didn't make sense, so I tried working out what was wrong. I suddenly realised I'd eaten an orange and not washed my hands. The juice had given me the high reading! I tested after cleaning my hands and it was still high, but much less alarming! Good lesson for next time.
Well, scan is on Wednesday, and I am scared. I've worked out if the twins go to 38 weeks I will have 6 more scans to get through. That is a lot of stressful lead ups. Of course, I want each and ever scan to happen and my beautiful bubs to make it as far as they can. But I wish I could go back to my pre-drama confidence. Not for my sake but for the bubs, I don't think a stressed out mama is the best incubator. Praying we get good indicators that Dancer has grown even more. And also praying he starts kicking hard like his big brother!
LG
How far : 24 weeks, 2 days
Weight: last week I wrote weight, planned to fill it in, and never got around to weighing myself :) this week I am 77.3 kg which I am thrilled about. Somewhere I read that 10 kgs at 24 week is the best guide line for avoiding pre term labour and I've reached that just. It could be hog wash, but it was good to have a small goal to reach!
Belly: big and still cute. The weird thing is now I can feel weird ridges and bumps sometimes, where I assume a head or a butt is resting.
Movement: BH is a strong boy! The kicks are really overwhelming. Earl has now felt his first kick. The silly thing is that now I stress that dancers kicks are too light. Basically I am worrying all the time, depending on who is kicking more. I know this is not helpful, but I don't know how to stop, given kicking is the only indicator I have. But one highlight was Dancer putting pressure on my belly, so it felt like a kick but was constant. I put my hand there and it felt like I was giving him a cuddle.
Cravings: Greek yoghurt is my chocolate. I go through at least three 500g tubs a week.
Emotions: a bit all over the place. I wish I could relax in this pregnancy but I don't know if that's possible.
What I miss: I don't normally do this, because what I have is so great, but I miss holding my nephew. He is just too big and heavy for a pregnant lady to hold (and over protective sister in law won't allow it anyway!). We "talk" and I will sometimes hold his hand when he cruises, and he still adores me, but I do miss our cuddles.
GD: much better with meal specific insulin. Funny thing, yesterday I got the highest reading I'd ever had and panicked. I was a little early so I waited ten minutes and then tried again. Even higher! I knew that didn't make sense, so I tried working out what was wrong. I suddenly realised I'd eaten an orange and not washed my hands. The juice had given me the high reading! I tested after cleaning my hands and it was still high, but much less alarming! Good lesson for next time.
Well, scan is on Wednesday, and I am scared. I've worked out if the twins go to 38 weeks I will have 6 more scans to get through. That is a lot of stressful lead ups. Of course, I want each and ever scan to happen and my beautiful bubs to make it as far as they can. But I wish I could go back to my pre-drama confidence. Not for my sake but for the bubs, I don't think a stressed out mama is the best incubator. Praying we get good indicators that Dancer has grown even more. And also praying he starts kicking hard like his big brother!
LG
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