"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Stress is a funny thing.

Today I am overwhelmed with stress. Stress about my job. I am really feeling like pulling my hair out and just going home. And it's not that there is anything particular about work that is stressing me. It's just the weight of responsibility and the sense of being taken for granted.

But the honest truth is that the stress isn't really all about work. It's all about Saturday and the test. It's all about the fact that I could have bleeding anytime now which would suggest that there is no baby left inside me. That is how stress works with me. I distract myself, but the stress from IVF seems into whatever I am doing and I feel overwhelmed anyway.

It is, as always, rotten timing. Rotten timing that Earl is away and I am hug-less for a week. Rotten timing that it is Easter and so the day after the beta I am doing a kids talk at church. But is there ever a perfect timing for a test to see if your baby is dead or alive?

In other news, I had a big chat yesterday with my best friend about her and her husband starting trying. It is one of the difficultest things in the world, even though she has been one of the most supportive, awesome people through the whole process. I feel a little bit guilty for her. She is not going into this process hopeful and expectant. Her sister took a year to get pregnant because of PCOS, and then there is me with my lovely history. So she is just assuming it will take awhile, and is quite pessamistic. I don't think it will take awhile. I think it will be fast and it will be hard, because it just seems like that is the way with my friends. She will be lovely and sensitive and wonderful about it, but it will be hard.

Of course, we are both praying for the best possible outcome. And I think that is okay. God is generous and kind and he knows our hearts so we can pray for the best. That I am pregnant now, and that she is pregnant right away. It is ideal. I will be moving back to my hometown, 10 minutes away from her house. To have a baby within a month of my best friend- living 10 minute away. With all the crazy horribleness of the last few years, that would be just an incredible, wonderful gift.

I know this probably won't happen. But IF has taken so many of my dreams away- I'd like to have one more.


  1. i always wanted a close-by pregnant friend, too! but for now i enjoy the company of my blogger buddies :) praying your test saturday is +!

  2. So much of this completely resonates with me... the stress, and your feelings about your best friend... That inner conflict is so hard to deal w/ - knowing you want it so much for them, but still knowing how hard it would be. Ugh! It really is so good that God knows our hearts and that we can be so ourselves w/ him. Well, sending prayers and a e-hug your way!!! I know it's not the same, but hope it helps a bit. :-)

  3. Thanks guys, your prayers and support mean so much to me!