I had my appointment with the mental health doctor on Monday.
Originally it was booked after our horror 21 week scan. But I didn't feel up to cancelling it, because I didn't know what would happen and I knew deep down that I was struggling.
I've been so anxious about this pregnancy, and just feeling overwhelmed.
And I hate it.
Because I'm supposed to be strong.
I've done 3 years of IVF. And most of those years I've worked with children and mums. I've gone to work the day after BFNs. My counsellor has always praised me for my strength.
And here I was. So incredibly blessed with two little babies who are doing well and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety.
And to add to that, anxiety that might effect the babes. So that makes me anxious more.
The appointment was good. We talked through some techniques to helping with anxiety. I'm going to try to up my exercise again, to sleep more, and to watch my bodies reactions and calm myself down.
But the two most helpful things?
First, she said "remind yourself these feelings will pass". Yesterday BH was surprisingly still. And as anxiety rose I said to myself: this will pass, it always does. And I calmed down. And eventually BH was his usual kicky self.
The second thing? She said my anxiety was completely normal. "Anyone who has been through what you've been through would feel the same."
With that comment, some of the guilt went away. Yes, I was anxious. But after 6 years if, a nine week miscarriage and a horror scan , it was normal. It's not that I'm weak or a unloving mother.
I'm just human.
I have so much to learn.