It is strang being in pain and being free to show it.
For various reasons Earl and I have decided to keep our infertility a secret from all but our good friends and close family. There are lots of different reasons. Because i work with Mum's and kids it's actually helpful that they don't know- because it means they feel open to share their struggles with me, without worrying about hurting my feelings.
It's also helpful because it means that we don't necessarily have to put up with heavy pity all the time, we can have a break from talking about it. And as much as I know it's stupid, there is a part of me that is ashamed, that feels abnormal and freaky that like's people thinking that we are just waiting a bit longer to try.
But because we are sharing with some people about our misscarriage- its been a nice change. Nice to have permission to be sad and weak, and not all-together. Nice to feel loved and cared for.
Below is what i put on my personal blog about our misscarriage. It gives a bit more details of what happened and how it made us feel.
It's been about a month since I last posted.
Not a very good month.
Three days before Christmas, Earl and I found out via Ultra-sound that our nine week old babie's heart had stopped beating. And after three horrible weeks of waiting for it to happen, I finally miscarried last Tuesday.
So not the Merriest Christmas. I went to bed at 10pm on New Years. I didn't want to think about 2011. 2010 had been tough, and we had such high hopes for this one. Now I can hardly face it. We'd been trying to get through one day at a time- to not think about the future. This gets progressively more difficult when my job at the moment is to start preparing for term 1 at church.
We miss him so much (we refer to him as a him. He just can't be an it, we love him too much). I don't think I've ever felt so lonely since we lost him. We are confident he is with Jesus now- and ultimately we want to be able to look back and celebrate his little life, rejoice that we had him for a little while. But I think it will take a long time before we are properly up for that.
I have good days, I have bad days. Yesterday was a good day. Earl and I had decided that while we weren't going to broadcast our sadness to the sky, that we wanted some people to know about him. I had already let a few people at church know, and told a few more yesterday. I've been overwhelmed by love and support that people have shown, love both for us and our little one. One friend at church started crying when I told her. That afternoon she dropped off some flowers and chocolates for us. "I had to do something" she said almost apologetically.
But if the last week has taught me anything- it's that this road isn't a road of steady incline back to normality. This is grief, and I can't predict how I will feel or when I will feel it. And that's okay.
I wasn't sure whether to write about it on my blog, but I have learnt so much, and the process from anger at God to crying into his loving arms (which of course is not a steady incline either!) has been something that I'd like to write about.