It has now been over a month since we found out our precious Thumper had gone.
What kind of month?
A month of horrible pain. I don't think I've ever had a month where I've found it so hard to relate to God. I remember earlish on in the infertililty process I remember thinking "I know I love God, I'm just not sure he loves me". By God's grace I got through that period and he reminded me of his love, but unfortunately in many ways, and at many times in the last month I've been back there.
I feel like all my hard one strength for this battle with infertillity has eroded away. A good friend told me (balling her eyes out- I felt like I had to comfort her and not the other way around) that she was pregnant for the second time, and she found it so hard to tell me. That kind of thing would normally set me back for a day. At the moment that kind of thing sets me back a week. And given you hear about a new baby every few weeks in my line of work I am not sure how I'm going to go holding it together this year.
But it's also been a month of incredible love. We've been semi-public with the news. This basically means I wrote about it on my public blog but didn't put it on facebook! I also sent an email to close friends, and just friends that I thought would understand. We've been inondated with flowers, love, well-wishes, and tears for our little ones. We had friends who had an emergency Caesar birth the week we got back home from holidays with family. They worked really hard to look after us and morn with us- even though they had their own issues (there baby was fine. I held him an hour in the hospital and then cried and cried when I got home because I wanted to keep him!) Particularly in the case of Thumpers Grandparents- they really do see him as their Grandchild who they only got to see in an ultra-sound photo.
I miss him so much. I've never felt so lonely.
I am also inondated with longing for a child. I ache for one. I always have, but the "give and take away" nature of what has happened makes me so much more desperate.
We have 2 periods before the transfer of Embie number two of this cycle can begin. The nurse recons that with 3 great embies left- all from the same batch (oh I hate the kind of words they use- they're my babies!) as Thumper, we are a good chance to get pregnant.
But I'm so scared what a negative result might do to me.
I will post later on the post I put on my other blog.