I am very thankful to be living in Australia doing IVF. Not only can i go to a good quality clinic through the public system where I don't pay much and where some of what I pay gets given back by the Government because of our low income(!)- but the hospital I go to provides a fullish-time IF counsellor for free. And she is lovely. We had our first face-to-face appointment since the miscarriage (we were talking on the phone while I was interstate with my family).
One of the things we talked about was anger.
I am angry so much of the time.
It's not always related to the miscarriage/infertility though it often is. Anger when a friend gets pregnant. Anger when I think about how long it has been since we started trying. Anger when I think about how I would be showing if little Thumper had lived. Anger at my husband because he wants time in the evening to study rather than spending them all with me. And mostly just anger at myself for not coping with my pain. I suspect it's just a stage of the grief process that I have to go through. My way of dealing with it is often to be angry with myself for being angry! I knew I wasn't being godly with my thoughts but I wasn't sure what to do about it.
One of the things she suggested was to write about it. Because you can't just be angry. You need to process it somehow or it eats you up inside.
I was thinking about writing out my anger last night but decided not too.
Today I have:
-Yelled at God about 15 times
-Deliberately knocked over a table at work in anger because a screw came loose as i was setting it up and it made me made.
-Burst into angry tears because a friend asked me to do something I didn't want to do.
-Snaped at that same friend on the phone later because she was at a different end of the train station that I was meeting her at and I had to walk 2 minutes to find her.
-Been deliberately standoffish with a work collegue because he has mannerish that annoy me.
-Gave lots of dirty looks to random strangers.
I feel so embarrassed. I know that anger is normal when you've been through a terrible thing but no one deserved my anger (except perhaps the table!). But the amazing thing about it is that God can handle my anger. Even though he is the least deserving of all. He listens and he cares.
So tomorrow morning I am sitting down and I am expressing my anger in writing, and praying that God would help me to deal with it and perhaps even take it away.
And it's not just for the sake of myself, or Earl, or my friends, collegues, or the furniture or even God. Thumper's little life is not honoured in my anger. And I want him honoured