I've been overwhelmed with a new/old feeling. Love. Incredible, heart-felt love for Thumper.
It's not that I ever stopped loving him. It's just that to even think about it brought me so undone that I was forced not to dwell on him much.
But I'm slowly getting to a point where I can think of him and love, rather than pain or anger, is the predominant feeling.
I love him. And I even feel a little happy for him. I know he is in God's hands, and that brings me joy as well as jealousy.
I was talking to Earl about it, but he isn't there yet, the pain is still too raw.
Last night I had a big cry about how much I missed him. Letting the overwhelming mother-love back into the mix doesn't come without pain or heartache.
But it's given me a window to the future. A future where I will think of him without so much pain. A future where I might be able to tell my kids that they had an older sibling. A little baby that we named Thumper, because he had such a beautiful little heart that kept beating even when he was so small that they didn't think he was going to make it. A little baby who went to be with God. A little baby that we will always love.
PS Dr's appointment tomorrow. Please pray that it goes well and we can have the best possible advice going into this next cycle.