A new/old feeling

I've been overwhelmed with a new/old feeling. Love. Incredible, heart-felt love for Thumper.

It's not that I ever stopped loving him. It's just that to even think about it brought me so undone that I was forced not to dwell on him much.

But I'm slowly getting to a point where I can think of him and love, rather than pain or anger, is the predominant feeling.

I love him. And I even feel a little happy for him. I know he is in God's hands, and that brings me joy as well as jealousy.

I was talking to Earl about it, but he isn't there yet, the pain is still too raw.

Last night I had a big cry about how much I missed him. Letting the overwhelming mother-love back into the mix doesn't come without pain or heartache.

But it's given me a window to the future. A future where I will think of him without so much pain. A future where I might be able to tell my kids that they had an older sibling. A little baby that we named Thumper, because he had such a beautiful little heart that kept beating even when he was so small that they didn't think he was going to make it. A little baby who went to be with God. A little baby that we will always love.

Lady Grey
PS Dr's appointment tomorrow. Please pray that it goes well and we can have the best possible advice going into this next cycle.