"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Struggling to pray

Really, really, really struggling today.

I'm not sure why it was really only today that it hit me.

On Monday I got my period. It made me happy at first. Happy because it meant that I probably did ovulate, and so am likely to again next month. And happy because it gave me a little excuse for the biggest fight I've ever had with Earl, the night before. It wasn't all hormones, but they definitely played their part.

Anyway, I sat down and did the calculations.

If I ovulate on day 14- transfer goes ahead.
If I ovulate on day 15-No transfer
If I ovulate on day 16- no transfer
If I ovulate on day 17- transfer goes ahead.

This last month I most likely ovulated on day 17. So if it is exactly the same it will be okay. But if it's not...

Ever since the miscarriage I've been struggling with the feeling that God actually wants bad things for us. That he deliberately answers our prayers in the opposite way to what we pray. I know that is terribly unjust and untrue, and I thought I was out of that way of thinking. But it feels like this cycle is yet another opportunity for the worst case scenario to happen.

And so I'm really struggling to pray.
Lady Grey

After finishing my crazy day at work, and relaxing this evening, I am feeling better than when I wrote this post. I even prayed with Earl about it. We came to the conclusion that God does give us good things, because we have each other, don't we. I love that man!

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