In this process, some relationships are hard.
I have a friend, who since I've started trying, has started dating a guy, married him, and is now expecting her second child. Two weeks after Thumper was due.
We meet up regularly to pray.
It is really hard.
Hard because my feeling about her are so warped now. And as it's always been a relationship where I have mainly been the one caring for her, it's just hard to know how to relate now that I'm the one struggling.
We used to be so close, and I was so excited about her moving to the same town as me. I thought it would be so good.
And she always leaves me feeling raw and a little bit angry at God. That he would give this to her and not to me. That after everything I've been through, she would be the one to get the baby for Christmas. It just seems like a slap in the face!
The strange thing is, I'm not jealous of her. She is someone who is pessimistic and negative and sad most of the time. That's just her bent on life. When I talk to her, I feel like I'm the happier one and I'm the one who has been trying for four years and who lost a baby while she is the one with the gorgeous toddler and the gender checking ultra-sound today!
And I'm so torn because I want to be there for her. And she wants to be there for me. She prays for me everyday. She cries for me. I see her guilt with every look, and every time I'm silent and I won't look her in the eye I can see that it hurts her.
I love her, and I want our friendship to go back where it was.
When the baby is born it will be better. It's so much easier to resent a bump than a baby I can see. When I look at her gorgeous girl, all the horribleness goes away, and I just see one more child that God has given me to love.
But I want my own.