"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Friday, March 18, 2011

Hard relationships

In this process, some relationships are hard.

I have a friend, who since I've started trying, has started dating a guy, married him, and is now expecting her second child. Two weeks after Thumper was due.

We meet up regularly to pray.

It is really hard.

Hard because my feeling about her are so warped now. And as it's always been a relationship where I have mainly been the one caring for her, it's just hard to know how to relate now that I'm the one struggling.

We used to be so close, and I was so excited about her moving to the same town as me. I thought it would be so good.

And she always leaves me feeling raw and a little bit angry at God. That he would give this to her and not to me. That after everything I've been through, she would be the one to get the baby for Christmas. It just seems like a slap in the face!

The strange thing is, I'm not jealous of her. She is someone who is pessimistic and negative and sad most of the time. That's just her bent on life. When I talk to her, I feel like I'm the happier one and I'm the one who has been trying for four years and who lost a baby while she is the one with the gorgeous toddler and the gender checking ultra-sound today!

And I'm so torn because I want to be there for her. And she wants to be there for me. She prays for me everyday. She cries for me. I see her guilt with every look, and every time I'm silent and I won't look her in the eye I can see that it hurts her.

I love her, and I want our friendship to go back where it was.

When the baby is born it will be better. It's so much easier to resent a bump than a baby I can see. When I look at her gorgeous girl, all the horribleness goes away, and I just see one more child that God has given me to love.

But I want my own.
Lady Grey


  1. i cant really wrap my head around this friend of yours. you are always the one caring for her, and yet she cries for you? that seems a little odd to me, as far as her real intentions. i would probably be frank with her, that you need positive support from her right now, and if she is not in a place to give that, i might step back from the friendship right now. i have done this with friendships in my own life and have had to step back, which makes me sad on one level, but i had to be honest with myself that i needed to be surrounded by genuinely supportive people.

  2. Thanks Mrs A! Yes, I think I do need to be honest with her about how I feel and what I need from her right now.