"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Friday, October 28, 2011

Dull and horrid

Hello friends,
Thanks for the love. I'm sorry I doubted you were praying/listening- I was just in a very bad place when I wrote that post. Still not really in a great place, but better than that post.

I think sometimes when a negative pregnancy test seems like such a hard thing you just don't face it, hoping for the best. But now that it's over, yes it is difficult to face Christmas, the day we found out Thumper died, my sister in laws baby everything. But now that I know I need to face it without a baby in my belly- well, I know i will bear it. It will be horrible, but I will survive- because what other choice do I have?

I feel so incredibly lost. One of my dearest friends, who had tried for a baby for many years, when someone commented on the size of her baby, joked that she had brought it on herself, for when she would pray for a baby, she would jokingly ask for a chubby one. I left the conversation in tears. I just couldn't handle it. So many people get their much prayed for baby. No baby could be more prayed for than ours and yet- where is it?

We called this one we lost Mary, after Earl's Nanny who passed away in Febuary.

I feel so dull and horrid.

Thinking back, this day last year they were doing the egg pick-up that resulted in Thumper. I wish I could go back. I miss him so much.

Next steps?

Three months forced off, as I recover from this disaster of a stim cycle, as we move interstate to our home town, and as we find and settle in to a new clinic. Strangely, the idea of a new clinic and a new state gives me some hope- as new methods and new perspective can make a difference. But hope is far from my heart most of the time.

Keep me in your prayers, I am weak and lost.

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