"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist

My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.

I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.

Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.

I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.

Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.

I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.

So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.

Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.

But all in all, it was an emotional day.

And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.

I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.


Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hmm, sounds like you're an "Optimist with experiences!!!!" :-) I totally understand that!!! I actually understand much of your "jumbled" thoughts here!! And just so you know, I've never thought you're sad all the time!!! Your lovely life does come through loud and clear in your writing!!

    As for being overwhelmed by the fear, one thing I'm learning as I deal with my anxiety issues, is to try very hard to not be afraid of fear... To acknowledge it, but not let it rule. It's not easy, but somehow it does become less overwhelming to look only at the issue itself. Facing that particular big "what-if" is especially hard, though. I certainly have better days and worse days w/ this one. Praying for you!!!!

  3. i was definitely to the point where i thought we would never have kids. last year's RESOLVE project was to come up with a "What if" question that described your feelings regarding infertility. Mine was "What if I have to learn how to be childfree...with a smile?" it was absolutely a fear of mine.

    hang in there- praying for you (hug)