Flicking a switch

There is a crazy in the house, and her name is Lady Grey. How else can I possibly explain the split personality thing that happens every month. Pre-transfer I am a pessemistic, teary mess. Post transfer I am a happy PUPO, convinced of good news person.

Yes, we did have a great looking embryo- but we always do. Yes, I am using some of the same meds as I did with Thumper, but I've done that before too. Earl is trying to think about this cycle as the bonus cycle, the one that we know won't work, but there is always a chance so let's just be relaxed about it. But I can't do that. Ever since I saw that compacted, seven cell little embaby I got involved.

So I dream. The first dream I have is telling people. Actually, that's the main dream I have. I feel like it's been so long, so long of waiting, that the idea of telling family and friends just seems so awesome, so exciting, it would be such a special moment. The rest of the dreams are all just flash backs to Thumper, (happy) ultra sound, vomitting. Might not sound that special but for us it was everything. And we so want it again.

I know next week will be different. Next week the fear will set in, because in almost every bfn cycle we have had early bleeding before the 2ww is out. Next week I will try to detatch.

But for this week at least, I am PUPO.

LG

And so the wait begins

I think I've worked out how to put spaces back into this crazy new format.

I might even have a go at putting labels on my posts again :) Blogger you have been thwarted!

Well, I'm guessing you are much more interested in the transfer than my slowly developing knowledge of html. It went really well. Really, the best it could be. As I said in the last post, Earl wasn't able to go, and while I thought I was at peace with it, it was aparent as I walked around our house in the morning in a great big tiz that I wasn't. The thing I knew I would miss most was having someone there to make me smile. Earl was just about to get out of bed when I was getting ready to leave. He called out "Come in and see me". I said in my stressed out voice "Why?". He said "Because I'm cute". I walked in, and Earl was hiding under the covers, with just the top of his face popping out, with my flowered beanie perched on top of his head. It was such a funny sight I laughed, and I continued to sporatically laugh all the way to transfer. So even without him being there, he still managed to cheer me up.

The second thing that went right with the transfer was the doctor (my normal doctor doesn't work on Sundays). He was lovely. When I walked in he could tell I was stressed, and told me he wanted a big smile from me, though he consedded I didn't have to smile when the speculum went in. That made me laugh. Then he asked about my day, what I was doing. As I left the room, in his cool accent (not sure what, probably something middle Eastern), he said "There is now another pair of fingers crossed for you". I really liked that.

And finally, the embaby itself was looking great. It was frozen at 6 cells, and had grown to seven overnight. It had started compacting- and while I don't know what that means, the scientist said that was excellent. So my last little embaby is looking as good as he can. That doesn't mean he has the inner working to make it, but from everything we can see there is nothing to say that he can't be another little Thumper.

And so the wait begins.

LG

FET tomorrow

FET tomorrow. For once the timing was perfect. I had a trigger injection on Wednesday, then went away from Thursday Friday Saturday, needing no other meds, and free to eat goats cheese ( a staple of my trips away with Mum and Sis :) ). The only sad thing is that Earl is not available to come to the transfer. I don't in any way blame him, it is a joint decision and not something either of us think he can get out of...but it's still a bit sad :( Any prayers you can send our way will be appreciated. Though this is the last embryo of the batch, though our doctor thinks maybe our embryos don't work...we are still praying for another Thumper. Earl had decided this embryo is a boy, and prayed that he would live to be really really old. I hope so. LG

Explaining the grief

Dear Friends, thanks so much for your love! I appreciate it so much. Often I dig myself into a pretty big hole, and it's nice to know that there are others out there who can be hopeful for me when I have no hope. I feel like there should be some explanation for my feelings in the last post. I have mentioned previously that there has been several "miracle" pregnancies and babies in my life. On Saturday, in the middle of my bffs baby shower (which I was co-organising), I heard about another one. These particular friends have been trying longer than us. In fact, excluding people who are several years older than us (who have given up trying long ago), they were the last couple I knew IRL who had been trying longer than us. I found out from bff later that they had just started IVF this year and had been successful. So its continuing the feeling that babies happen, IVF works, and miracles happen- just not to us. For me, as excited as I am about persuing ED, there is grieving involved in the getting there. And being in the middle of a cycle, which is close to being our last cycle, brings the grief into focus. I love this little embaby which is going in on Sunday- and I already feel like I've had a BFN. I know it can always happen, but if it is true that there is something wrong that has lead to our many, many, many failed IVF attempts, then the chance that this will work is very small. Anyway, that is my thinking on the cycle at present, that is why I sounded so defeatest. Things that make me feel better? The doctor we see still thinks it is worth trying one more stimulated cycle. He would not recommend that if he thought there was no hope. Thumper was real, we have gotten pregnant once, and it is still possible we might get pregnant again. And I am trying this slightly weird "stimulated" FET, so who knows? There are always going to be people who can't have kids themselves. I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that those people are most likely us. LG

Is it worth it?

Today I got a picture of what the next three weeks will look like. This Wednesday- Trigger injections. Originally my doc was going to let me trigger myself, but given how slow my folies are growing, and that there is one that can grow, and we aren't aiming for it to be a baby (although it would be good if it was!), then I think he decided that trigger was the way to go. This Sunday- Transfer, provided my little embaby makes it through the thaw Three weeks time- pregnancy test. It's strange in a way. I am not feeling hopeful, not just about this cycle, but about my abilities to ever conceive a child. I'm just not in a good place. So these three weeks just feel like a nightmare. I looked at Thumpers picture today and asked him "Did you really exist? Did you really happen?. Did this silly body of mine actually hold you in for those 7 weeks?". Because it seems so far away and so different from how I've been feeling. And Thumper is the only thing that is stopping me just throwing in the towel on another stim cycle. When I got my meds and talked through the plan with my nurse, she said to me "It's all worth it?". But is it? Is it really? And I just walking up a hill just to fall down again? LG PS the format of my blog is driving me crazy. It takes out all my spaces in my post. I don't know why. Just imagine lots of great big pauses in my posts as it used to be. Sorry!

Mothers day and transfer approaching

Hmmm, I really don't know how to describe Mother’s Day this year. I guess every Mother’s day pales into insignificants compared with the one where I got my period after an IVF cycle the day before! This year was not that bad. But the lead up was tough. Really tough. I cried every trip to the shops, every walk. I felt so bad. I didn't realise it was MD causing it until someone on my facebook IF group suggested it. Duh! Underlying it was this growing thought that is eating away at me at the moment. "God is not going to give me a baby. He has decided not to.". It might sound like a really strange thing to think, with little to go on, but this month has been the month of miracles. So many friends who were not medically expected to get pregnant either got pregnant or had babies. And we are not. So I think the way it all worked in my brain is this "God can do Miracles. S and J and C and L all got babies, when they were perhaps even less likely to than me. God can do miracles. But he's had lots of opportunities with me and hasn't taken them. So therefore, he had decided not to give me kids.". It is ridiculous. There is no promise in the Bible that God will give me kids, but there is also no promise that he won't! I know my logic is silly, but I think to be honest it's just part of my brains way of preparing for the potential disappointment of this cycle. Speaking of Cycle...scan today suggests I will spontaneously trigger in 3 or four days. Lining is a bit thin, so Doc will check again on Thursday. That means that I might be less than a week from transfer. Crazy how fast this one has crept up. Trying to be hopeful. Not quite succeeding. Oh, and I forgot to say the good about Mother’s day. This is the good: I have super awesome friends. I got a card from my God-daughter (well, really from her parents since she's two!). I got a card from Earl (Saying Thumper couldn't ask for a better Mother- it made me cry). I got three messages from people who said they were praying for me. And about 4 or five people put something on facebook for Mother's Day which in some way acknowledged the IF community. So, I might not have a baby to hold this Mother's day, or a child to make me breakfast, or a tacky knick-knack from a school Mother's day stall. But I have awesome friends, a generously understanding husband, and many, many Embabies and Thumper in Heaven. So I am still a blessed Mother. LG

Glass Half Full

Lately I have been finding I have 2 good weeks, followed by two bad weeks. No, that's probably not accurate. I guess the best way to describe it is that usually 2 weeks is about my limit for really great weeks. That doesn't mean that they don't have hard moments, but they are good out-waying the bad weeks. Then usually something happens, something IF related that messes it all up. I was kinda thinking something was due. Earl's best mate got married last August. It was an amazing day, partly because we weren't sure that day would ever come. He is a classically laid back guy, who never seemed to get around to approaching the girls he liked. He wanted to get married, but not enough to do something about it. About three years ago a lady entered his life and he fell head over heals. IT was a complicated relationship: they lived in different states, they had different ideas about the future, and she was nervous about marriage coming from a broken home. But in the end they worked it out, and their wedding was one of my favourite weddings. One, because it was so lovely to see them together, to see that nervous start turn into such a lovely match. Two, because Earl was the best man and gave an awesome speech (Earl is a really natural, funny public speaker). Anyway, we were hanging out with them on the weekend, when M told Earl that he and his wife were 10 weeks pregnant. Completely unexpectedly. It took me about 5 minutes to just get over the shock. I couldn't believe it! Normally I am so cautious about other people, I'm always aware that it could happen. But they had even written in their Christmas letter that kids would (God willing) be a few years away! I had no idea. But I got pretty upset. I told Earl "I should have known. God always sends horrible things, just when I'm starting to get happy". It's the kind of thing you can only say to God, to your husband, and on your blog! Earl's response though has hung with me "Maybe God sends you two really good weeks so you can cope with such difficult news". It's a different perspective, isn't it? Glass half-full. I am so used to focusing on how hard my road is. And it is very hard. But it was true. I had two really lovely weeks, two hopeful, happy weeks. And they, under God, helped me to cope. The next day I still wasn't coping. I could bearly look at them. I didn't know how I could get through the weekend (I was camping with them, and heaps of other families that we know quite well). So I went up to Mrs M and I talked to her. I just talked to her. I didn't say congratulations, I couldn't. But she asked how I was going and I cried and said that IF sucked. And she hugged me and cried back. This road I am on is so very hard. This road WE are on is so very hard. I don't want to down play it, and I never will. But there is a certain perspective, a certain "face your fears" attitude, that seems to slowly be building in this green-monstered crazy lady. And I have a sneaky suspicion that it might just help me to hold on. Today I begin injections to get my body ready for FET. I am very conscious that it might not work. But I also know that it might. So let's dwell on that. Glass half-full. LG