"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mothers day and transfer approaching

Hmmm, I really don't know how to describe Mother’s Day this year. I guess every Mother’s day pales into insignificants compared with the one where I got my period after an IVF cycle the day before! This year was not that bad. But the lead up was tough. Really tough. I cried every trip to the shops, every walk. I felt so bad. I didn't realise it was MD causing it until someone on my facebook IF group suggested it. Duh! Underlying it was this growing thought that is eating away at me at the moment. "God is not going to give me a baby. He has decided not to.". It might sound like a really strange thing to think, with little to go on, but this month has been the month of miracles. So many friends who were not medically expected to get pregnant either got pregnant or had babies. And we are not. So I think the way it all worked in my brain is this "God can do Miracles. S and J and C and L all got babies, when they were perhaps even less likely to than me. God can do miracles. But he's had lots of opportunities with me and hasn't taken them. So therefore, he had decided not to give me kids.". It is ridiculous. There is no promise in the Bible that God will give me kids, but there is also no promise that he won't! I know my logic is silly, but I think to be honest it's just part of my brains way of preparing for the potential disappointment of this cycle. Speaking of Cycle...scan today suggests I will spontaneously trigger in 3 or four days. Lining is a bit thin, so Doc will check again on Thursday. That means that I might be less than a week from transfer. Crazy how fast this one has crept up. Trying to be hopeful. Not quite succeeding. Oh, and I forgot to say the good about Mother’s day. This is the good: I have super awesome friends. I got a card from my God-daughter (well, really from her parents since she's two!). I got a card from Earl (Saying Thumper couldn't ask for a better Mother- it made me cry). I got three messages from people who said they were praying for me. And about 4 or five people put something on facebook for Mother's Day which in some way acknowledged the IF community. So, I might not have a baby to hold this Mother's day, or a child to make me breakfast, or a tacky knick-knack from a school Mother's day stall. But I have awesome friends, a generously understanding husband, and many, many Embabies and Thumper in Heaven. So I am still a blessed Mother. LG

1 comment:

  1. I totally share your logic!!! :-) And Earl is, of course, absolutely right-on!!! I am hoping and praying that Thumper's younger brother or sister will be here to give you the Mom's Day you deserve, by this time next year!!! Love, HJ