Last night was a dark time.
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
AF, and super sucky timing!
The morning after our first initial appointment I got AF. In the lead up to IVF treatment, I always pray desperately to just get pregnant naturally. Now more than ever because things are just so hard. I know its terrible, but this next IVF just seems like a waste of time, it feels like we are just punching at the wind. Earl doesn't feel like that, he feels like we are still a real chance.
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.
LG
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.
LG
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Oposite ends- and my dream
Hi Friends,
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!
Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.
At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.
She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.
Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.
She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".
It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.
Anyway- onto the dream.
I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.
Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.
The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.
I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.
But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.
LG
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!
Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.
At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.
She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.
Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.
She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".
It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.
Anyway- onto the dream.
I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.
Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.
The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.
I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.
But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.
LG
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Above water again
Hi Friends,
I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.
Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".
I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.
Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.
Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.
One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.
I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.
Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.
Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG
I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.
Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".
I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.
Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.
Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.
One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.
I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.
Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.
Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG
Sunday, October 30, 2011
How to keep up hope
Hi Friends,
Well, I'm still very much in the flat, not coping stage. It has been a horrid week, and I usually can't go more than two hours without tears. I am feeling so lost. One of the people's who blogs I read has just announced a miracle pregnancy. It was the first post I read after my period. As happy as I am for her, I don't understand. I don't understand why it is always someone else and never me. That is the theme, the song which keeps jingling round my head "why someone else and never me why someone else and never me why someone else and never me".
The only thing that is keeping me going is Earl.
Earl thinks we are going to have a baby one day. He really thinks we are going to have a baby one day. In fact, I will go so far as to say that he is more hopeful this side of the period than he was before it. This makes no sense to me, but I am grateful.
Perhaps because he doesn't have a medicalish brain, perhaps because he hasn't had to go through everything medical that I have and has seen no result, but Earl believes in miracles. He still believes that every month we can get pregnant. He believes that a new clinic can help. He believes that a baby is in my future and he tells me, "don't give up on life yet Lady, there is a baby coming for you".
I pray it is so!
LG
Well, I'm still very much in the flat, not coping stage. It has been a horrid week, and I usually can't go more than two hours without tears. I am feeling so lost. One of the people's who blogs I read has just announced a miracle pregnancy. It was the first post I read after my period. As happy as I am for her, I don't understand. I don't understand why it is always someone else and never me. That is the theme, the song which keeps jingling round my head "why someone else and never me why someone else and never me why someone else and never me".
The only thing that is keeping me going is Earl.
Earl thinks we are going to have a baby one day. He really thinks we are going to have a baby one day. In fact, I will go so far as to say that he is more hopeful this side of the period than he was before it. This makes no sense to me, but I am grateful.
Perhaps because he doesn't have a medicalish brain, perhaps because he hasn't had to go through everything medical that I have and has seen no result, but Earl believes in miracles. He still believes that every month we can get pregnant. He believes that a new clinic can help. He believes that a baby is in my future and he tells me, "don't give up on life yet Lady, there is a baby coming for you".
I pray it is so!
LG
Friday, October 14, 2011
3 eggs
We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.
I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.
One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.
I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.
Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.
I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG
I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.
One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.
I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.
Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.
I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist
My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.
I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.
Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.
I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.
Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.
I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.
So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.
Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.
But all in all, it was an emotional day.
And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.
I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.
Weird.
Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)
I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.
Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.
I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.
Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.
I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.
So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.
Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.
But all in all, it was an emotional day.
And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.
I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.
Weird.
Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)
Monday, August 29, 2011
Strong women
It really hit me today.
Last week I was pregnant.
Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.
This week I'm just my normal barren self again.
And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.
I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.
But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.
And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.
Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.
I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey
Last week I was pregnant.
Last week i was avoiding Caffeine, and meanly leaving all the playgroup lifting and moving to people who weren't pregnant, hoping they weren't thinking I was just being lazy. Last week I was a little bit hopeful and a little bit happy.
This week I'm just my normal barren self again.
And once again I'm reminded I need to remember what I am going through, and give myself a break. When this same thing happened last time it took me months to recover. And this time I had big social and family commitments, as well as the emotional roller-coaster of my sister-in-laws pregnancy to deal with.
I'm so scared of the future. The future to me seems this big black hole of horrible pain. There are so many things I am NOT looking forward to. Most forefront of my mind is the anniversary of Thumpers death. The idea of facing that without a baby in my stomach just makes me shiver and shake.
But despite all this, I am a strong women. I struggle away but I am going through things that are really hard. I am a strong women.
And so are you. So are so many of you my dear readers. You have coped with pregnancies and baby showers and anniversaries and birthdays you dreaded. You have coped with BFNs, AFs and 2ww, and other terrible Infertility acronyms! You have held yourselves together at times and you have fallen apart, but you have been through one of the hardest roads a women has to face, and like me you might even still be on it. But you are doing your best to hope and trust and I admire you so much for that.
Of course, we would all rather have a baby than be strong. But even so, its something we need to celebrate once in a while.
I am a strong women.
And so are you.
love Lady Grey
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Please Please Pray
I just got a text from my sister-in-law saying that her baby is not doing well. She had her 12 week scan yesterday. Please pray for her, for her husband, and for our precious neice and nephew. We will know more when we talk to her tonight, but I feel so lost. As much as I struggled with jealousy I never, never, never wanted this!
Please pray that God spares the precious baby's life.
love Lady Grey
Please pray that God spares the precious baby's life.
love Lady Grey
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The fun of meds and travel
Earl and I are about to go to a conference this afternoon.
Earl, I, and my meds.
It's such a frustrating scenario. I have the iceblock in the fridge, which will be useful to get the meds to the conference site. Then I will have to talk to staff there about the possibility of using a fridge to put my medicine in. This is a conference where I don't really know people and where I really don't want people knowing I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle. Not only that, but I have to access my meds at 11pm- which might be an issue if the rooms which contain the fridge are closed up by that time.
I'm sure it will be fine. It's been fine in the past. I've flown on planes with medication. I've stayed with relatives with medication. I've been on conferences with medication.
But it is a stress and a hassle that I don't need right now.
"Why don't they stay? Why don't our embryos stick? What can we do to make them stick? What is the problem? What made Thumper stick?" These were the questions Earl was asking me last night. I had to ask him to stop. Because all these questions bring up all the insecurities about the fact that my womb is incomplete and that I feel like a baby killer. Good embryos go in, nothing comes out.
Earl doesn't think that. He just doesn't understand how it all work, and how it all doesn't work.
But I don't want to think about that. I want to think that there is a baby in my belly. A baby who is not dead. A baby who is attaching and growing. A baby that will make itself known in almost exactly a weeks time.
Please, please, please! Amen
LG
Earl, I, and my meds.
It's such a frustrating scenario. I have the iceblock in the fridge, which will be useful to get the meds to the conference site. Then I will have to talk to staff there about the possibility of using a fridge to put my medicine in. This is a conference where I don't really know people and where I really don't want people knowing I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle. Not only that, but I have to access my meds at 11pm- which might be an issue if the rooms which contain the fridge are closed up by that time.
I'm sure it will be fine. It's been fine in the past. I've flown on planes with medication. I've stayed with relatives with medication. I've been on conferences with medication.
But it is a stress and a hassle that I don't need right now.
"Why don't they stay? Why don't our embryos stick? What can we do to make them stick? What is the problem? What made Thumper stick?" These were the questions Earl was asking me last night. I had to ask him to stop. Because all these questions bring up all the insecurities about the fact that my womb is incomplete and that I feel like a baby killer. Good embryos go in, nothing comes out.
Earl doesn't think that. He just doesn't understand how it all work, and how it all doesn't work.
But I don't want to think about that. I want to think that there is a baby in my belly. A baby who is not dead. A baby who is attaching and growing. A baby that will make itself known in almost exactly a weeks time.
Please, please, please! Amen
LG
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Infertility and my lack of brain
First thing- transfer happened. Our precious little embryo is on the inside :) Please continue to pray for it.
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
As the embryo went in, the doctor smiled at me and said, "I think it's time for you to have some luck. I think it really is your turn." The nurse and embryologist concurred.
I smiled. I really appreciate the real love and genuine concern I get at my clinic. They all know my story, even just from browsing my chart. They all want this one to be the one who stays.
The funny thing is, I am not supposed to believe in luck. I am someone who believes that God is in control, and therefore luck and superstitions are not suppose to play apart.
That is what my brain says.
But Infertility means that sometimes the brain doesn't come into it.
The sad thing about my transfer was that because Earl was so sick, the doctor thought it best that he didn't bring his germs into theatre. So he didn't get to see our embryo, he didn't get to sit by and hold my hand, and it was sad for both of us. But he said to me afterwards "This is different. Different is good. Maybe it's a sign".
Signs! They are everywhere. The sky on the day of transfer. The birth,death, birthday, anniversary of someone around transfer time. The things people say. The things I eat the next day. Everything, everything I read as if it might have something to say about the result in 2 weeks time. And i obsess about my time with Thumper- wishing I could make careful notes of that two weeks last year so I can copy exactly and get a BFP (and of course do everything differently once I have it so the baby lives).
It's so silly.
But that's what happens. I had a green tea today. Did I have a green tea with thumper? Did I have a green tea in any failed cycles. Is Green tea the deciding factor that means that this embryo will stick?
Of course my brain tells me that this is silly, my hormones, the strength of our little one, and ultimately God are much more deciding factors than weather or Earl's sickness. But I long and hope so much, it absorbs me and I think "sign, sign, sign".
I search for hope where it isn't, just because I need it to survive this little while.
Oh how I long for this baby. It's so overwhelming. Please, please, please!
Lady Grey
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Terrible night, and hopefully not TMI
As part of my natural cycle the doctors have given me one progesterone pessarie to insert once a day. It's not a big dose, just something to help things along. Anyway, I take it at 11pm, which means that sometimes I'll go to bed early and my alarm will go off on my phone to let me know that I need to get up, go down stairs to the fridge, get out a pressary, and then go back upstairs.
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
Panic stations!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta
LG
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
Panic stations!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta
LG
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Perfect timing on so many levels
So, providing defrosting of my embryo goes well, transfer takes place tomorrow. 3 hours after the transfer I will get on a plane for a weekend away with my Mum and my sister. The only thing different about this trip because of the transfer is that when my Mum and Sister are in the hot-springs, I will be watching, or maybe getting a pedicure! But I would much rather sit there with an embryo watching than participating without one.
It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.
Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.
Please pray that our little one sticks.
Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)
Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG
It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.
Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.
Please pray that our little one sticks.
Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)
Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Very cute little cells
Remember how I said I was feeling overly confident and had no nerves?
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Not anymore.
Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.
Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)
I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.
I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.
But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
LG
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Struggling to pray
Really, really, really struggling today.
I'm not sure why it was really only today that it hit me.
On Monday I got my period. It made me happy at first. Happy because it meant that I probably did ovulate, and so am likely to again next month. And happy because it gave me a little excuse for the biggest fight I've ever had with Earl, the night before. It wasn't all hormones, but they definitely played their part.
Anyway, I sat down and did the calculations.
If I ovulate on day 14- transfer goes ahead.
If I ovulate on day 15-No transfer
If I ovulate on day 16- no transfer
If I ovulate on day 17- transfer goes ahead.
This last month I most likely ovulated on day 17. So if it is exactly the same it will be okay. But if it's not...
Ever since the miscarriage I've been struggling with the feeling that God actually wants bad things for us. That he deliberately answers our prayers in the opposite way to what we pray. I know that is terribly unjust and untrue, and I thought I was out of that way of thinking. But it feels like this cycle is yet another opportunity for the worst case scenario to happen.
And so I'm really struggling to pray.
Lady Grey
UPDATE:
After finishing my crazy day at work, and relaxing this evening, I am feeling better than when I wrote this post. I even prayed with Earl about it. We came to the conclusion that God does give us good things, because we have each other, don't we. I love that man!
I'm not sure why it was really only today that it hit me.
On Monday I got my period. It made me happy at first. Happy because it meant that I probably did ovulate, and so am likely to again next month. And happy because it gave me a little excuse for the biggest fight I've ever had with Earl, the night before. It wasn't all hormones, but they definitely played their part.
Anyway, I sat down and did the calculations.
If I ovulate on day 14- transfer goes ahead.
If I ovulate on day 15-No transfer
If I ovulate on day 16- no transfer
If I ovulate on day 17- transfer goes ahead.
This last month I most likely ovulated on day 17. So if it is exactly the same it will be okay. But if it's not...
Ever since the miscarriage I've been struggling with the feeling that God actually wants bad things for us. That he deliberately answers our prayers in the opposite way to what we pray. I know that is terribly unjust and untrue, and I thought I was out of that way of thinking. But it feels like this cycle is yet another opportunity for the worst case scenario to happen.
And so I'm really struggling to pray.
Lady Grey
UPDATE:
After finishing my crazy day at work, and relaxing this evening, I am feeling better than when I wrote this post. I even prayed with Earl about it. We came to the conclusion that God does give us good things, because we have each other, don't we. I love that man!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Anxiety
This week, despite the fact that I have been a little bit sick, has actually been great. On Tuesday I called up the clinic and confirmed a few things about the coming cycle, which theoretically should start in two weeks, though with my cycles it could be a little bit longer.
We will be doing a "natural" cycle, which means they will monitor me to find out when I ovulate and to make sure the uterus lining is in a decent shape, then they will do the embryo transfer when my body is ready. At that point I will be taking one progesterone pessarie just to keep the lining strong. I will presumably take Clexane (blood thinners) as well, since it has been so successful in the last three cycles (I went from one biochem pregnancy in 5 transfers, to one slightly positive test and one BFP in three transfers).
We will also have a meeting with the lovely, wonderful Dr L, our favourite of all of the doctors in the clinic, just before the new cycle, which is really just a follow-up from the Misscarriage to see if he thinks there is anything we should know about the coming cycles and what his advice is for us going forward.
Being so close to "doing something" is returning me to my more cheerful self. It is always the way. I LOVE doing something. It just makes me feel like this baby thing is around the corner rather than a million years away. Strange that in the last few years, my happiest moments have been when I've been stabbing myself with neddles or lying down with Progesterone Pessaries!
Though when Earl and I went out for dinner two nights ago, I think it both hit us that this time is different. We voiced fears that neither of us had liked to think about. The BFN or even worse, another misscarriage.
This time we just don't know how we will face another failer. I am happy because I am believing that it is going to work. And if it doesn't...I don't exactly know what that will mean. I suspect it will definately mean something new. In the past, after a failed cycle I would grieve the evening away, and then go back to work, depressed but functional. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.
I am so scared and yet excited.
Please, please, please Father, let this next little Embryo be the one that stays!
LG
We will be doing a "natural" cycle, which means they will monitor me to find out when I ovulate and to make sure the uterus lining is in a decent shape, then they will do the embryo transfer when my body is ready. At that point I will be taking one progesterone pessarie just to keep the lining strong. I will presumably take Clexane (blood thinners) as well, since it has been so successful in the last three cycles (I went from one biochem pregnancy in 5 transfers, to one slightly positive test and one BFP in three transfers).
We will also have a meeting with the lovely, wonderful Dr L, our favourite of all of the doctors in the clinic, just before the new cycle, which is really just a follow-up from the Misscarriage to see if he thinks there is anything we should know about the coming cycles and what his advice is for us going forward.
Being so close to "doing something" is returning me to my more cheerful self. It is always the way. I LOVE doing something. It just makes me feel like this baby thing is around the corner rather than a million years away. Strange that in the last few years, my happiest moments have been when I've been stabbing myself with neddles or lying down with Progesterone Pessaries!
Though when Earl and I went out for dinner two nights ago, I think it both hit us that this time is different. We voiced fears that neither of us had liked to think about. The BFN or even worse, another misscarriage.
This time we just don't know how we will face another failer. I am happy because I am believing that it is going to work. And if it doesn't...I don't exactly know what that will mean. I suspect it will definately mean something new. In the past, after a failed cycle I would grieve the evening away, and then go back to work, depressed but functional. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.
I am so scared and yet excited.
Please, please, please Father, let this next little Embryo be the one that stays!
LG
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Not my world
Sometimes I think the Internet is not good for me.
Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.
It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.
She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.
Not my world
She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.
Not my world
She finds out that she is and is excited.
Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(
She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.
In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.
She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.
Not my world.
I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
:''(
LG
Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.
It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.
She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.
Not my world
She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.
Not my world
She finds out that she is and is excited.
Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(
She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.
In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.
She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.
Not my world.
I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
:''(
LG
Monday, December 20, 2010
When will the fear end!
Well, the weekend with the Aunt went by without any family member finding out we are pregnant. But that is not to say it wasn't eventful.
Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.
We ended up going to the emergency room.
The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.
So that's what I'm hoping to do today.
I just want to stop being afraid!
I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.
Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!
LG
Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.
We ended up going to the emergency room.
The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.
So that's what I'm hoping to do today.
I just want to stop being afraid!
I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.
Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!
LG
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sparkle
Well, I'm definately struggling with morning sickness. The dry wretching of previous mornings has been replaced with coughing up stomach acid- gross! And I sit here after my probably too big lunch and hope that it's not going to come up again. When I'm not sick I feel really good about it because I know that it's Thumper making himself known, but when it's happening it's just awful.
We are staying with my Aunt this weekend and I'm horribly afraid my vomiting will give it away. My plan is to get up- go for a walk so I can vomit out of the house. (since its just stomach acid and saliva and water I don't think it's too bad to vomit on the grass somewhere). I just really don't want her to know- partly because it would be hard for Mum's sister to hear before her, and also because she probably won't keep the secret and will end up giving me baby stuff for Christmas! That would give it away much earlier than we were hoping. And as Earl and I discussed yesterday- we have many years ahead of us of getting things that are for our baby not us- we might as well enjoy our last Christmas of being the favourites ;)
I realised today that I've made such a big deal in my head of how everyone is going to react to our news that I might be forcing myself to be disappointed. I'm trying to stop and just relish things for how they are, not how I've imagined them being for four years! But it's very hard. Because though it has been worst for us, it's been hard for our folks too- particularly my parents who've riden the IVF ride with us, and Earl's Dad whose watched his brother get six Grandchildren- Five since we've been trying. We are so excited about making them so happy.
Last night I dreamed I got my period. It was so nighmaric. When I woke up I was just so relieved. I even got up and checked to make sure. But Thumper is still here. I feel good about things. But I still can't wait to get to 12 weeks.
LG
We are staying with my Aunt this weekend and I'm horribly afraid my vomiting will give it away. My plan is to get up- go for a walk so I can vomit out of the house. (since its just stomach acid and saliva and water I don't think it's too bad to vomit on the grass somewhere). I just really don't want her to know- partly because it would be hard for Mum's sister to hear before her, and also because she probably won't keep the secret and will end up giving me baby stuff for Christmas! That would give it away much earlier than we were hoping. And as Earl and I discussed yesterday- we have many years ahead of us of getting things that are for our baby not us- we might as well enjoy our last Christmas of being the favourites ;)
I realised today that I've made such a big deal in my head of how everyone is going to react to our news that I might be forcing myself to be disappointed. I'm trying to stop and just relish things for how they are, not how I've imagined them being for four years! But it's very hard. Because though it has been worst for us, it's been hard for our folks too- particularly my parents who've riden the IVF ride with us, and Earl's Dad whose watched his brother get six Grandchildren- Five since we've been trying. We are so excited about making them so happy.
Last night I dreamed I got my period. It was so nighmaric. When I woke up I was just so relieved. I even got up and checked to make sure. But Thumper is still here. I feel good about things. But I still can't wait to get to 12 weeks.
LG
Friday, December 10, 2010
Fighting Fear
Yesterday I was afraid again. So much disappointment and heartache doesn't disappear overnight. It was so strange. I kept ringing up my husband- is this really happening. It didn't help that I felt alot better (less nauseous) than I had all week.
The nice thing was, just after I got off the phone with him- the nurse from the infertility department called, "How are you?" I asked politely, "We're all wonderful, now that we've seen your fantastic scan" she said! She was so positive. Officially, unless things go wrong in the next five weeks, I am out of their hands. The joy began again. This is actually happening!
And this morning I was feeling better, got worried again, and proceeded to vomit up all the water I had drunk so far that morning :)
We are thinking maybe telling immediate family at ten weeks. It's hard to decide- particularly as we really don't want it spreading beyond immediate family until 12 weeks. But I just can't wait to tell our folks :)
We've given the baby our own private nick-name- "Thumper" because of his little heart- that refused to stop beating- even when everything was against him. We are calling him a him. We both think its a boy- though we may be wrong.
We are having a baby!
LG
The nice thing was, just after I got off the phone with him- the nurse from the infertility department called, "How are you?" I asked politely, "We're all wonderful, now that we've seen your fantastic scan" she said! She was so positive. Officially, unless things go wrong in the next five weeks, I am out of their hands. The joy began again. This is actually happening!
And this morning I was feeling better, got worried again, and proceeded to vomit up all the water I had drunk so far that morning :)
We are thinking maybe telling immediate family at ten weeks. It's hard to decide- particularly as we really don't want it spreading beyond immediate family until 12 weeks. But I just can't wait to tell our folks :)
We've given the baby our own private nick-name- "Thumper" because of his little heart- that refused to stop beating- even when everything was against him. We are calling him a him. We both think its a boy- though we may be wrong.
We are having a baby!
LG
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)