One of the things I'm finding hard since our doc put a pessimistic spin on our chances is that I feel like I've changed clubs. In the world of infertility there is much variety in people's experinces. There are those at the start of the journey, there are those at the start of treatment. There are those who misscary, there are those who from the beginning can't produce embryos. There are the pregnant after IF and the pregnant after loss and the both.
I've always felt like I fit into many of those categories. But now I really feel like I've moved into a brand new band and I'm feeling quite isolated and lost. The band of the long time IFs who may never have kids. I feel like I am in the process of re-defining myself.
Of course, any people have been trying for 5 years, in the world of IF that is pretty normal. But most people at that stage have not had 12 embryo transfers. I hesitate to even write that number because it sounds so ridiculous, so wasteful and desperate.
One dear friend loves to share stories of friends who get pregnant After 22 cycles or so. I know it's still possible, I believe that God can do everything. But I am slowly staring down the barrel of potential inability to ever get pregnant and I feel so lost
My BFF has another friend doing IVF and she was feeling nervous for her. I had to encourage BFF by saying, we are the freaks. Most people get pregnant in the first year of IVF. We are the tough case. We are the worst case scenario. Almost.
I have such hope for all of you. But I'm less confident about myself. Next week we will start with some preliminary appointments for another cycle. One thing I am hopeful for is that we might get some answers. one way or another.