There is a saying, I learnt it through being involved in church work, but I'm sure it can apply elsewhere. The expression is "Do yourself out of a job". The idea is that you train people around you in such a way that soon you create enough mini-you's to make yourself redundant.
Anyway, today was my first day of seeing one of the new therapists at my new clinic. My new clinic has about 8 different therapist and they are considered to be one of the best infertility counselling services in Australia.
But I miss my old therapist!
Part of the issue is the different doctors opinions are influencing the attitude of the therapist. My Old therapist was able to say "No doctors are saying you can never have kids". My new therapist can't really say that, because my new doctor has raised it as a possibility. She was encouraging, she let me talk, and she was very sympathic to how hard the situation was, and very positive about how well I am doing. I talked alot about SIL and BFF being pregnant, I don't think I realised until that conversation just how much it was affecting me.
But she couldn't give me hope, she could only give me band-aids. She said that we wouldn't be doing IVF if there was no chance, and that was helpful. But it wasn't hopeful. I walked out of the meeting so sad, because my old therapist always made me feel more hopeful.
But I realised as the day progressed that my old therapist had in some ways done herself out of a job.
I could hear her in my head. I could hear her saying that Thumper was a good sign. That I was young. That just because IVF hasn't worked, doesn't mean it won't work. That new clinics can sometimes make the difference, something about what they do might help. That other people's roads are not my road. That as much as I hate waiting that a child, some child is in my future. I can hear her in our last ever conversation saying "This isn't in anyway scientific, but I still hold great hope for you to get pregnant".
And I felt better, without even talking to her.
LG
Showing posts with label BFF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFF. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Beginning of the End
There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Re-defining
One of the things I'm finding hard since our doc put a pessimistic spin on our chances is that I feel like I've changed clubs. In the world of infertility there is much variety in people's experinces. There are those at the start of the journey, there are those at the start of treatment. There are those who misscary, there are those who from the beginning can't produce embryos. There are the pregnant after IF and the pregnant after loss and the both.
I've always felt like I fit into many of those categories. But now I really feel like I've moved into a brand new band and I'm feeling quite isolated and lost. The band of the long time IFs who may never have kids. I feel like I am in the process of re-defining myself.
Of course, any people have been trying for 5 years, in the world of IF that is pretty normal. But most people at that stage have not had 12 embryo transfers. I hesitate to even write that number because it sounds so ridiculous, so wasteful and desperate.
One dear friend loves to share stories of friends who get pregnant After 22 cycles or so. I know it's still possible, I believe that God can do everything. But I am slowly staring down the barrel of potential inability to ever get pregnant and I feel so lost
My BFF has another friend doing IVF and she was feeling nervous for her. I had to encourage BFF by saying, we are the freaks. Most people get pregnant in the first year of IVF. We are the tough case. We are the worst case scenario. Almost.
I have such hope for all of you. But I'm less confident about myself. Next week we will start with some preliminary appointments for another cycle. One thing I am hopeful for is that we might get some answers. one way or another.
Lady Grey
I've always felt like I fit into many of those categories. But now I really feel like I've moved into a brand new band and I'm feeling quite isolated and lost. The band of the long time IFs who may never have kids. I feel like I am in the process of re-defining myself.
Of course, any people have been trying for 5 years, in the world of IF that is pretty normal. But most people at that stage have not had 12 embryo transfers. I hesitate to even write that number because it sounds so ridiculous, so wasteful and desperate.
One dear friend loves to share stories of friends who get pregnant After 22 cycles or so. I know it's still possible, I believe that God can do everything. But I am slowly staring down the barrel of potential inability to ever get pregnant and I feel so lost
My BFF has another friend doing IVF and she was feeling nervous for her. I had to encourage BFF by saying, we are the freaks. Most people get pregnant in the first year of IVF. We are the tough case. We are the worst case scenario. Almost.
I have such hope for all of you. But I'm less confident about myself. Next week we will start with some preliminary appointments for another cycle. One thing I am hopeful for is that we might get some answers. one way or another.
Lady Grey
Friday, December 16, 2011
BFF Meeting and RE meeting
Im sitting up in bed on Earl's iPad writing this blog. So apologizes for bad grammar or punctuation I find the key board a little tough.
Yesterday, I had my first live chat with BFF since her news. I was so nervous, nervous that it would be awkward, nervous she would say something insensitive and hard, nervous that I would be so over sensitive that even normal comments would offend me.
It was wonderful
I can't work out why. It could be her attitude, I suspect it was our prayers, but we had the best time. Frank deep conversations, lots of laughs, we hung out for nearly three hours and I didn't want it to end. She kept saying "this probably isn't helpful" about topics that she thought might upset me, but they never were a problem.
So glad I can go into this year with a BFF that I can be with and be supported by, rather than just another hard pregnancy.
And so now the next nervous meeting is with our new RE. I always find new medical professionals scary, so weird to sit down with a stranger and tell them your life's greatest pain. I am excited and hopeful and glad to get him. But still scared.
Had some sad and some happy blog news of late. Thinking of you all.
Love LG
Yesterday, I had my first live chat with BFF since her news. I was so nervous, nervous that it would be awkward, nervous she would say something insensitive and hard, nervous that I would be so over sensitive that even normal comments would offend me.
It was wonderful
I can't work out why. It could be her attitude, I suspect it was our prayers, but we had the best time. Frank deep conversations, lots of laughs, we hung out for nearly three hours and I didn't want it to end. She kept saying "this probably isn't helpful" about topics that she thought might upset me, but they never were a problem.
So glad I can go into this year with a BFF that I can be with and be supported by, rather than just another hard pregnancy.
And so now the next nervous meeting is with our new RE. I always find new medical professionals scary, so weird to sit down with a stranger and tell them your life's greatest pain. I am excited and hopeful and glad to get him. But still scared.
Had some sad and some happy blog news of late. Thinking of you all.
Love LG
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Coming home childless
On the road on the way home, two things were going on which meant that I wasn't in a good place for a long drive and a sentimental reflection of the last four years interstate. One was a conversation on Monday with my dear friend Mrs L. I loved her, she has been a huge support to me. But I think I need to say to her, I can't talk to her about IVF anymore. Everytime i talk to her, she just looks so mornful, so sorry for me, so "you are dreaming if you think this is going to happen after your million and one cycles", that I always walk away feeling just like that.
Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was having her 13 week scan and if all went well (which it did) she would start telling people.
I thought I was okay about BFFs pregnancy.
Wrong again.
So I sit in my Parent-in-laws house, reading blogs of so many people who are going into Christmas- FULL, and I sit here empty.
I know tomorrow i will have hope. I am really detirmined to hold it together, to do my best to be hopeful and happy. But today. Today I think I just have to mourn what I do not have.
LG
Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was having her 13 week scan and if all went well (which it did) she would start telling people.
I thought I was okay about BFFs pregnancy.
Wrong again.
So I sit in my Parent-in-laws house, reading blogs of so many people who are going into Christmas- FULL, and I sit here empty.
I know tomorrow i will have hope. I am really detirmined to hold it together, to do my best to be hopeful and happy. But today. Today I think I just have to mourn what I do not have.
LG
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Too much in my head
I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Getting Help
Okay, i think its time to admit that I am NOT coping better than I have with other announcements. I am in the sense that I am not particularly bitter or angry towards my friend, but I am not in the sense that I am falling apart and I know its not just a coincidence that this break-down has coincided with my friends news.
I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.
And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).
When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.
I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.
And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG
I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.
And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).
When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.
I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.
And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Dealing better
There are many reasons I am writing this post, the main one being so that when I go to my blog I don't see the first line of my previous post. Everytime I do I get a little turn in my tummy.
Though, to be honest, I am dealing with BFFs pregnancy better than most. I mean, I am a mess today, but most of the time its not about her being pregnant but it's about the consequences. It's the ackward "Isn't it exciting that X is pregnant" conversations I am going to have to have with our huge number of mutual friends. It's dreading the conversations about the fear and struggle that I know is going to posess her over her impending and early motherhood (because I know her so well, i know she is the sort of person who will find the baby stage really hard, and watching her find it really hard will be really hard for me). But when I think about her baby, I actually get excited at the thought of meeting it, and having what I am sure will be a huge role in its life.
I guess I've faced my worst announcement (my sister-in-law having a baby before me) and so everything else is still hard, but not as earth shattering.
But I'm so fragile. Really, really fragile.
Anyway, sleep will help.
Night Y'all :)
LG
Though, to be honest, I am dealing with BFFs pregnancy better than most. I mean, I am a mess today, but most of the time its not about her being pregnant but it's about the consequences. It's the ackward "Isn't it exciting that X is pregnant" conversations I am going to have to have with our huge number of mutual friends. It's dreading the conversations about the fear and struggle that I know is going to posess her over her impending and early motherhood (because I know her so well, i know she is the sort of person who will find the baby stage really hard, and watching her find it really hard will be really hard for me). But when I think about her baby, I actually get excited at the thought of meeting it, and having what I am sure will be a huge role in its life.
I guess I've faced my worst announcement (my sister-in-law having a baby before me) and so everything else is still hard, but not as earth shattering.
But I'm so fragile. Really, really fragile.
Anyway, sleep will help.
Night Y'all :)
LG
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I was right
BFF is pregnant. 8 weeks.
Eek!
I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.
Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.
LG
Eek!
I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.
Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.
LG
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