There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.