There is no comparison between the two appointments I had with this doctor. The first one left Earl and I shell-shocked in tears.
The second left us smiling and happy and HOPEFUL.
In many ways it was a follow up to our positive nursing appointment last week. But the doctor was also very helpful, very attentive, and very keen to get things sorted. Firstly, I am going to get a endemetrium biopsy after I ovulate this month. Secondly, he did some bloodwork so he can decide what kind of treatment I might need to get my uterus working. Thirdly, he is insisting on the antagonist cycle, the higher meds (though not as high as was originally suggested, which I'm a bit relieved about), and if possible a twin transfer. He was actually a bit annoyed at my previous doctors for not trying any of these things.
He asked how we feel about fertilising number of eggs, given we want to transfer all we create. We decided that given our track record, even if we somehow by miracle made 12 embryos, it is unlikely that this will equal 12 babies. Though, Earl said smiling, we would take 12!
Earl and I were laughing at the differences between the private and the public system.
Public system I would have waited for at least 45 minutes in the waiting room before seeing the doctor, and at least a month after I booked. I booked this appointment last week! Public system if I needed a scan I would have had to book one the next day. The doctor wanted to check where I was at in my cycle and so did the scan on the spot. I could go on. I am so very, very, very grateful for my good experience in the public system IVF program, and I think its wonderful that the Aus gov covers such things. But I am also very glad to be given the diamond standard IVF treatment. After all we've been through, I think I deserve it!
love LG
Showing posts with label clinic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clinic. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Parrallel Universe
I watch a bit of sci-fi TV. Probably too much. It's a guilty pleasure of Earl and I, and I think it's particularly helpful because it's escapism from this journey. One of the shows I watch is Fringe. I'm very aware that it can be a bit gruesome and gross for some, but it's got this fascinating story-line, centered around the idea that there are all these alternate realities in existence. Worlds that exist where things are almost the same, but with slight differences, based on different choices that people have made, or different paths that lead from those choices.
I don't believe this is the case, but I was discussing the Parallel Universe idea with my therapist the other day.
Ever since the miscarriage, I feel like I've been living one life and watching another.
When I lost Thumper, I would look out at other pregnant women and think "that could be me". I thought that would end when his due date passed. But it didn't. Suddenly there was this alternate Universe that I could just see behind a veil. There she was, lets call her Lady Pink. Lady Pink had a baby Thumper who lived. Lady Pink was excited when SIL got pregnant because now Thumper would have a cousin, and she had already produced the first grandchild. Lady Pink didn't have a SSP, or a failed IVF cycle, or take a pregnancy test after throwing up only to find out it was nothing. Lady Pink squealed with delight when her BFF was pregnant. Lady Pink wasn't told by a doctor to consider donation or surrogacy. Lady Pink wasn't setting up a study in her new house, she was setting out Thumper's things. Lady Pink has her trials, same as everyone, but she has Thumper. And as I looked at a friends baby photos, whose son was born in the same month as Thumper, I can see what I'm missing out on.
Of course, I know there is no Lady Pink. It's just the idea of might-have-been haunts me, like I never have experienced. I have had the worst 6 months of my life (its funny isn't it, I think the miscarriage itself was really, really bad, but it was after Thumpers due date that I began not to handle it)- and it feels like they were unnecessary. I should have kept Thumper.
I talked to my Therapist, asking when will I get over this. She said, wisely, maybe Miscarriages aren't things that you get over. Maybe they change you. She also mentioned that I was dealing with IF on top of miscarriage, and that separating the two in my mind might be helpful.
Ironically I am feeling hopeful for the first time this year. Really hopeful. We have a meeting with the doctor, and I am hoping, hoping that he doesn't take that hope away but has some suggestions and help for us. Hardly believing, but still dreaming, that next month I will have the BFP of my dreams.
But I still miss my Thumper.
Lady Grey
I don't believe this is the case, but I was discussing the Parallel Universe idea with my therapist the other day.
Ever since the miscarriage, I feel like I've been living one life and watching another.
When I lost Thumper, I would look out at other pregnant women and think "that could be me". I thought that would end when his due date passed. But it didn't. Suddenly there was this alternate Universe that I could just see behind a veil. There she was, lets call her Lady Pink. Lady Pink had a baby Thumper who lived. Lady Pink was excited when SIL got pregnant because now Thumper would have a cousin, and she had already produced the first grandchild. Lady Pink didn't have a SSP, or a failed IVF cycle, or take a pregnancy test after throwing up only to find out it was nothing. Lady Pink squealed with delight when her BFF was pregnant. Lady Pink wasn't told by a doctor to consider donation or surrogacy. Lady Pink wasn't setting up a study in her new house, she was setting out Thumper's things. Lady Pink has her trials, same as everyone, but she has Thumper. And as I looked at a friends baby photos, whose son was born in the same month as Thumper, I can see what I'm missing out on.
Of course, I know there is no Lady Pink. It's just the idea of might-have-been haunts me, like I never have experienced. I have had the worst 6 months of my life (its funny isn't it, I think the miscarriage itself was really, really bad, but it was after Thumpers due date that I began not to handle it)- and it feels like they were unnecessary. I should have kept Thumper.
I talked to my Therapist, asking when will I get over this. She said, wisely, maybe Miscarriages aren't things that you get over. Maybe they change you. She also mentioned that I was dealing with IF on top of miscarriage, and that separating the two in my mind might be helpful.
Ironically I am feeling hopeful for the first time this year. Really hopeful. We have a meeting with the doctor, and I am hoping, hoping that he doesn't take that hope away but has some suggestions and help for us. Hardly believing, but still dreaming, that next month I will have the BFP of my dreams.
But I still miss my Thumper.
Lady Grey
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Being my own therapist
There is a saying, I learnt it through being involved in church work, but I'm sure it can apply elsewhere. The expression is "Do yourself out of a job". The idea is that you train people around you in such a way that soon you create enough mini-you's to make yourself redundant.
Anyway, today was my first day of seeing one of the new therapists at my new clinic. My new clinic has about 8 different therapist and they are considered to be one of the best infertility counselling services in Australia.
But I miss my old therapist!
Part of the issue is the different doctors opinions are influencing the attitude of the therapist. My Old therapist was able to say "No doctors are saying you can never have kids". My new therapist can't really say that, because my new doctor has raised it as a possibility. She was encouraging, she let me talk, and she was very sympathic to how hard the situation was, and very positive about how well I am doing. I talked alot about SIL and BFF being pregnant, I don't think I realised until that conversation just how much it was affecting me.
But she couldn't give me hope, she could only give me band-aids. She said that we wouldn't be doing IVF if there was no chance, and that was helpful. But it wasn't hopeful. I walked out of the meeting so sad, because my old therapist always made me feel more hopeful.
But I realised as the day progressed that my old therapist had in some ways done herself out of a job.
I could hear her in my head. I could hear her saying that Thumper was a good sign. That I was young. That just because IVF hasn't worked, doesn't mean it won't work. That new clinics can sometimes make the difference, something about what they do might help. That other people's roads are not my road. That as much as I hate waiting that a child, some child is in my future. I can hear her in our last ever conversation saying "This isn't in anyway scientific, but I still hold great hope for you to get pregnant".
And I felt better, without even talking to her.
LG
Anyway, today was my first day of seeing one of the new therapists at my new clinic. My new clinic has about 8 different therapist and they are considered to be one of the best infertility counselling services in Australia.
But I miss my old therapist!
Part of the issue is the different doctors opinions are influencing the attitude of the therapist. My Old therapist was able to say "No doctors are saying you can never have kids". My new therapist can't really say that, because my new doctor has raised it as a possibility. She was encouraging, she let me talk, and she was very sympathic to how hard the situation was, and very positive about how well I am doing. I talked alot about SIL and BFF being pregnant, I don't think I realised until that conversation just how much it was affecting me.
But she couldn't give me hope, she could only give me band-aids. She said that we wouldn't be doing IVF if there was no chance, and that was helpful. But it wasn't hopeful. I walked out of the meeting so sad, because my old therapist always made me feel more hopeful.
But I realised as the day progressed that my old therapist had in some ways done herself out of a job.
I could hear her in my head. I could hear her saying that Thumper was a good sign. That I was young. That just because IVF hasn't worked, doesn't mean it won't work. That new clinics can sometimes make the difference, something about what they do might help. That other people's roads are not my road. That as much as I hate waiting that a child, some child is in my future. I can hear her in our last ever conversation saying "This isn't in anyway scientific, but I still hold great hope for you to get pregnant".
And I felt better, without even talking to her.
LG
Friday, February 3, 2012
AF, and super sucky timing!
The morning after our first initial appointment I got AF. In the lead up to IVF treatment, I always pray desperately to just get pregnant naturally. Now more than ever because things are just so hard. I know its terrible, but this next IVF just seems like a waste of time, it feels like we are just punching at the wind. Earl doesn't feel like that, he feels like we are still a real chance.
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.
LG
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.
LG
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Beginning of the End
There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.
But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.
I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.
And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.
And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.
I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.
I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.
And yet...
One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.
I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Re-defining
One of the things I'm finding hard since our doc put a pessimistic spin on our chances is that I feel like I've changed clubs. In the world of infertility there is much variety in people's experinces. There are those at the start of the journey, there are those at the start of treatment. There are those who misscary, there are those who from the beginning can't produce embryos. There are the pregnant after IF and the pregnant after loss and the both.
I've always felt like I fit into many of those categories. But now I really feel like I've moved into a brand new band and I'm feeling quite isolated and lost. The band of the long time IFs who may never have kids. I feel like I am in the process of re-defining myself.
Of course, any people have been trying for 5 years, in the world of IF that is pretty normal. But most people at that stage have not had 12 embryo transfers. I hesitate to even write that number because it sounds so ridiculous, so wasteful and desperate.
One dear friend loves to share stories of friends who get pregnant After 22 cycles or so. I know it's still possible, I believe that God can do everything. But I am slowly staring down the barrel of potential inability to ever get pregnant and I feel so lost
My BFF has another friend doing IVF and she was feeling nervous for her. I had to encourage BFF by saying, we are the freaks. Most people get pregnant in the first year of IVF. We are the tough case. We are the worst case scenario. Almost.
I have such hope for all of you. But I'm less confident about myself. Next week we will start with some preliminary appointments for another cycle. One thing I am hopeful for is that we might get some answers. one way or another.
Lady Grey
I've always felt like I fit into many of those categories. But now I really feel like I've moved into a brand new band and I'm feeling quite isolated and lost. The band of the long time IFs who may never have kids. I feel like I am in the process of re-defining myself.
Of course, any people have been trying for 5 years, in the world of IF that is pretty normal. But most people at that stage have not had 12 embryo transfers. I hesitate to even write that number because it sounds so ridiculous, so wasteful and desperate.
One dear friend loves to share stories of friends who get pregnant After 22 cycles or so. I know it's still possible, I believe that God can do everything. But I am slowly staring down the barrel of potential inability to ever get pregnant and I feel so lost
My BFF has another friend doing IVF and she was feeling nervous for her. I had to encourage BFF by saying, we are the freaks. Most people get pregnant in the first year of IVF. We are the tough case. We are the worst case scenario. Almost.
I have such hope for all of you. But I'm less confident about myself. Next week we will start with some preliminary appointments for another cycle. One thing I am hopeful for is that we might get some answers. one way or another.
Lady Grey
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Next steps
I am so sick of having that as a blog title!
Yesterday was terrible. My friend who struggled with depression was described by her Therapist as a functional depressed. Ie, despite her depression she was able to do all the things that she needed to do.
I am a functional IF. Usually. But I got very close to non-functioning yesterday. There were lots of silly, frustrating things that went on, as well as AF becoming very obviously there- killing any hopes that might have come from my morning vomit (I mean, SERIOUSLY! My body is so frustrating!). I got through the day without crying in public- just.
And so, in three weeks and one day we will meet up with our special brand new specialist. We will see if there might be something that can be done to me that might make me work.
But, if things are as I expect, and I was pregnant for even a teansie while this month (Its weird, do I morn a baby I don't know if it was there???)- then that is a very, very, very amazing sign. Maybe we can make a baby on our own?
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a terrible week!
LG
Yesterday was terrible. My friend who struggled with depression was described by her Therapist as a functional depressed. Ie, despite her depression she was able to do all the things that she needed to do.
I am a functional IF. Usually. But I got very close to non-functioning yesterday. There were lots of silly, frustrating things that went on, as well as AF becoming very obviously there- killing any hopes that might have come from my morning vomit (I mean, SERIOUSLY! My body is so frustrating!). I got through the day without crying in public- just.
And so, in three weeks and one day we will meet up with our special brand new specialist. We will see if there might be something that can be done to me that might make me work.
But, if things are as I expect, and I was pregnant for even a teansie while this month (Its weird, do I morn a baby I don't know if it was there???)- then that is a very, very, very amazing sign. Maybe we can make a baby on our own?
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a terrible week!
LG
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Looking back, looking forward
It has actually been a really lovely week. We have had great time with friends, Earl has finally finished his studies, and I've been in a pretty good place.
A friend whose husband has also just finishing studying (they study together at a seminary) has organised a "reflection" night for me and my friends. Basically its a chance to look back over the last four years and think about how we have changed and grown, and what has happened- good and bad. She gave us a little form to fill in to think about these things.
Filling in this form took place in the weeks after the negative cycle, and I found myself looking back over these last four years as terrible.
But on Tuesday I found myself looking over my non-annonymous blog, and as I looked back at the happy times (I tend to only write on that blog when I'm happy), I realised that there has been many cool, fun, wonderful moments. And there has been alot of growth. So that has put me in a better place.
Yesterday was a tough day, mainly I suspect due to lack of sleep the nights before. My BFF has contacted me for a phone chat. We usually phone chat once a month, this will be the second one in two weeks. It might be because she is excited about my return to her city of residence, but I suspect she might be pregnant and is a) planning to tell me, or b) not planning to tell me yet but is feeling extra sorry for me because of it, so wants to look after me.
We discussed it, and she isn't planning to tell me until she is 12 weeks, but I know her and I doubt very much she could hold in such news.
So that possibility made me a bit shaky.
I also called the private clinic where we are thinking of going to for IVF. The public liason lady was LOVELY. Really, I felt so loved the minute I got on the phone. My Therapist had talked to their therapist and had recommened three doctors, all of which are not taking new patients until MARCH. And that doesn't mean starting IVF in March. That means initial consolutation, nurse appointments, police checks (my new state has extra rules about who can do IVF), and probably no actual IVF until June. So I don't know what to do. The lovely lady recommended some doctors without waiting list, but I don't know if I should wait, maybe not for the best, but at least for one of their top doctors. I just don't know.
On the way home I just cried and cried. I kept saying to God "I can't, I can't, I can't". 'I can't' what? Everything. A new cycle. A new clinic. Christmas. Moving. Adjusting. Maybe watching my friend have a baby.
Now that I have woken up after a huge sleep, I feel so much better. I feel like I can face life.
I told Earl, "I've had a great week, something is going to happen to make it bad". Earl smiled, hugged me and said "We don't have a baby. That is the bad thing in every week. So you don't have to worry, nothing worse can happen than that." It was a strangely comforting comment.
LG
A friend whose husband has also just finishing studying (they study together at a seminary) has organised a "reflection" night for me and my friends. Basically its a chance to look back over the last four years and think about how we have changed and grown, and what has happened- good and bad. She gave us a little form to fill in to think about these things.
Filling in this form took place in the weeks after the negative cycle, and I found myself looking back over these last four years as terrible.
But on Tuesday I found myself looking over my non-annonymous blog, and as I looked back at the happy times (I tend to only write on that blog when I'm happy), I realised that there has been many cool, fun, wonderful moments. And there has been alot of growth. So that has put me in a better place.
Yesterday was a tough day, mainly I suspect due to lack of sleep the nights before. My BFF has contacted me for a phone chat. We usually phone chat once a month, this will be the second one in two weeks. It might be because she is excited about my return to her city of residence, but I suspect she might be pregnant and is a) planning to tell me, or b) not planning to tell me yet but is feeling extra sorry for me because of it, so wants to look after me.
We discussed it, and she isn't planning to tell me until she is 12 weeks, but I know her and I doubt very much she could hold in such news.
So that possibility made me a bit shaky.
I also called the private clinic where we are thinking of going to for IVF. The public liason lady was LOVELY. Really, I felt so loved the minute I got on the phone. My Therapist had talked to their therapist and had recommened three doctors, all of which are not taking new patients until MARCH. And that doesn't mean starting IVF in March. That means initial consolutation, nurse appointments, police checks (my new state has extra rules about who can do IVF), and probably no actual IVF until June. So I don't know what to do. The lovely lady recommended some doctors without waiting list, but I don't know if I should wait, maybe not for the best, but at least for one of their top doctors. I just don't know.
On the way home I just cried and cried. I kept saying to God "I can't, I can't, I can't". 'I can't' what? Everything. A new cycle. A new clinic. Christmas. Moving. Adjusting. Maybe watching my friend have a baby.
Now that I have woken up after a huge sleep, I feel so much better. I feel like I can face life.
I told Earl, "I've had a great week, something is going to happen to make it bad". Earl smiled, hugged me and said "We don't have a baby. That is the bad thing in every week. So you don't have to worry, nothing worse can happen than that." It was a strangely comforting comment.
LG
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