Feels like since my last post it's been a pretty massive week.
Remember last post, friend had just had a miracle pregnancy?
Sunday was my birthday, and I was teaching Sunday School. As I arrived one of the kids said to me "God put a baby in Mummy's Tummy".
"Mummy", who knows what we have been going through went into apology mode, she hadn't really thought about the fact that her kids would announce it like that, and that she was sorry. But I was pretty overwhelmed. This friend has been trying for her third for over 2 years, and I was a bit shell shocked that she had succeeded. A lovely conversation with her afterwards, and and otherwise fabulous day made it all alright, but I couldn't help thinking "Not the birthday present I was after God!"
The kids told Earl that God had answered their prayers and put a baby in Mummy's Tummy. Earl said "Maybe you can pray that God will give us a baby". Their son (whose nearly four) said "You want a baby?". "Yes" said Earl. The boy paused and then said "Well, you have to pray for your own baby". Ouch!
The big, big theme for the week has been embryo adoption. It has only come up in a few conversations with Earl and I, but it's been firmly on both our minds.
Embryo adoption has been something we have both theoretically been excited about for a long time. But the reality of processing it is tough. I know with all my heart if we went down that road I would not regret it, perhaps wouldn't want it any other way. But the complications, the process of thinking how you teach children about their origin, the contact that the kids could have with their biological parents after 18- is just things that I never thought would be part of my parenting.
Earl is worried about how he will feel about babies who aren't his own. He wants kids, he wants a family, but he doesn't have any natural inclination towards babies, so I think he is afraid that he just won't attach if it's not his genetic child.
I know that is not true. I know my Earl, and I know despite his trepidation, he would love our babies with a fierce love, no matter what their genetic make-up. But it's part of his process of dealing through this, and I need to give him the space to think and decide on his own. And to not talk about it all the time, as much as I want to.
But I have gotten back into reading Embryo Adoption blogs, and am starting to get excited :)
The funny thing for me is, I began reading Embryo adoption blogs before I started reading Infertility blogs. I don't know how it happened. I never searched for blogs, I either read one that mentioned one that I began to read, or people found me. So the whole process was very organic, and because one of the first blog I read was a EA blog, many of the others that followed were too.
When i was pregnant with Thumper, many, many of the EA blogs that I was reading were also about pregnancies. I read them enthusiastically. When Thumper died, I stopped. I tried to read some of them again, but I was just so filled with jealousy that I had to stop.
So going back now, and reading these blogs of people with their little babies is so very encouraging, because it reminds me that this is what I want. A little baby who needs me. Yes, the original plan was a genetic mix of Earl and I, but as I look at all these beautiful babies I realise that any one of them I would gladly welcome into my womb and arms. That this is something that I want to do.
Earl keeps reminding me that EA still might not solve our problems. But it is hope, a flame flickering in my heart.
PS I realise some of you who read this are EA's. I hope what i have written has made sense, and that you understand how awesome I think your journey's have been. Any advice would be appreciated :)