"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Another rambling update because I'm finding it hard to come up with Coherent Ideas for posts :)

Feels like since my last post it's been a pretty massive week.

Remember last post, friend had just had a miracle pregnancy?

Sunday was my birthday, and I was teaching Sunday School. As I arrived one of the kids said to me "God put a baby in Mummy's Tummy".

"Mummy", who knows what we have been going through went into apology mode, she hadn't really thought about the fact that her kids would announce it like that, and that she was sorry. But I was pretty overwhelmed. This friend has been trying for her third for over 2 years, and I was a bit shell shocked that she had succeeded. A lovely conversation with her afterwards, and and otherwise fabulous day made it all alright, but I couldn't help thinking "Not the birthday present I was after God!"

The kids told Earl that God had answered their prayers and put a baby in Mummy's Tummy. Earl said "Maybe you can pray that God will give us a baby". Their son (whose nearly four) said "You want a baby?". "Yes" said Earl. The boy paused and then said "Well, you have to pray for your own baby". Ouch!

The big, big theme for the week has been embryo adoption. It has only come up in a few conversations with Earl and I, but it's been firmly on both our minds.

Embryo adoption has been something we have both theoretically been excited about for a long time. But the reality of processing it is tough. I know with all my heart if we went down that road I would not regret it, perhaps wouldn't want it any other way. But the complications, the process of thinking how you teach children about their origin, the contact that the kids could have with their biological parents after 18- is just things that I never thought would be part of my parenting.

Earl is worried about how he will feel about babies who aren't his own. He wants kids, he wants a family, but he doesn't have any natural inclination towards babies, so I think he is afraid that he just won't attach if it's not his genetic child.

I know that is not true. I know my Earl, and I know despite his trepidation, he would love our babies with a fierce love, no matter what their genetic make-up. But it's part of his process of dealing through this, and I need to give him the space to think and decide on his own. And to not talk about it all the time, as much as I want to.

But I have gotten back into reading Embryo Adoption blogs, and am starting to get excited :)

The funny thing for me is, I began reading Embryo adoption blogs before I started reading Infertility blogs. I don't know how it happened. I never searched for blogs, I either read one that mentioned one that I began to read, or people found me. So the whole process was very organic, and because one of the first blog I read was a EA blog, many of the others that followed were too.

When i was pregnant with Thumper, many, many of the EA blogs that I was reading were also about pregnancies. I read them enthusiastically. When Thumper died, I stopped. I tried to read some of them again, but I was just so filled with jealousy that I had to stop.

So going back now, and reading these blogs of people with their little babies is so very encouraging, because it reminds me that this is what I want. A little baby who needs me. Yes, the original plan was a genetic mix of Earl and I, but as I look at all these beautiful babies I realise that any one of them I would gladly welcome into my womb and arms. That this is something that I want to do.

Earl keeps reminding me that EA still might not solve our problems. But it is hope, a flame flickering in my heart.
PS I realise some of you who read this are EA's. I hope what i have written has made sense, and that you understand how awesome I think your journey's have been. Any advice would be appreciated :)


  1. Your post title is wonderful - and so are you!!!!

  2. OOOOOO, I am SO excited for you about this next step. I have a question, though. Have you looked into donor egg? We thought about EA for a little while, but my hubby is more connected to DNA than I am and he was saddened by the idea that our children would have none of him. I would get to carry the pregnancy, so that kid would feel mine no matter what.

    Perhaps you can look into that, too, so that Earl has his part in the baby?

    Also, in Aus, do those who donate embryos get the potential of meeting the kids they turned into after the kid turns 18? I had never thought about that before. I wonder if that happens here, too.

    I am really excited for you that you are moving to the next step. xoxoxoxo

    1. Thanks so much for your excitement :) In terms of donor eggs, we've talked about it briefly. The tricky thing I've found about donor eggs (and this might be an Australian thing) is that they either have to be someone you know, or you have to advertise (in like local papers and things). You can't pay anyone, you can just help with cost of treatment. It seems very complicated, and to be honest I feel really uncomfortable about the idea of say my sister giving us an eggs, because it would feel to me like my sister and Earl were having a baby. Does that make sense? I'd feel more comfortable with a non-friend donor. It's tricky, because I don't love the idea of donor eggs, but I want to be open to them if it ends up that Earl is really passionate about using his own sperm.
      But I think all along we've been still leaning towards embryo donation. It is less complicated (the clinic has a program, we would join up and be allocated embryos after a waiting period). And it feel better to us, it feels a bit like an adoption- but earlier on! And we've always liked the idea of adoption.
      I'm not sure about all of Australia, but in Victoria they have recently passed laws that mean that Birth, Deaths and Marriage has identifying details about any donors involved in the process of conception. This information is only available to the children produced. At the age of 18 this information is made available to those children on request. Those who donated eggs/sperm/embryos can go to BDM and say they are keen to meet the children, but it is up to the children if they want to do it. It's complicated, but I actually really like the system, it puts the info and control in the kids hands when they are more ready to deal with meeting donors, and it prevents people from marrying their sister/brothers in the future. And it could be helpful for medical reasons too.
      Sorry, very long reply :)