Sorry I didn't go into many details last Friday. I was not in a good place, and not in the place to write. But I wanted to share a bit of what the last week has been like, the good, the bad, and the very ugly.
I knew when I woke up. Well, I didn't KNOW but I definately had an incling. I woke up with a stomach sensation which only comes in one situation, just at the same time as AF. So I knew. It was very early, so I went back to bed, but it was that sad, confusing, restless sleep. Earl was sad as well, so we lay there, for longer than we should. Crying and cuddling and sleeping and talking.
It is strange how the mind works. For most of the 2ww I was actually pretty hopeful. But as soon as AF arrived I took on the attitude "It was never going to happen anyway".
We called this embaby Peter.
The biggest drama was that my day was not free. It was flexible but not free. On Saturday I was going to give a talk at a ladies event at my parent's church. A talk I had not finished when AF arrived. Not to mention the fact that I was making Pizza and decorating cupcakes (also not ready yet) with my Sister-in-law and her family that evening. I wallowed as long as I could then I got to work. Somehow it all got done. Somehow, it all went well.
The talk went so well, better than I could have ever expected. I'm still not sure how. And it was weird because I was on a high afterwards, which felt really weird. One minute I would be crying over another failed cycle. The next I would be smiling over the talk.
And of course, on Sunday, with all my major responsibilities over, I fell apart. In the morning before church, Earl and I were hanging out with our friends kids. The little girl who is five was singing a song from the radio (seriously, how do kids know modern songs, I have no question her parents wouldn't let her listen yet to the songs she somehow knows anyway!). Earl had it on his phone, so he turned it up and me, the girl, her little brother and Earl danced around the kitchen. And for one crazy minute I saw a future, a future where Earl and I had kids, and where we danced together round the kitchen. And I wanted to cry for the future and the embaby I had lost.
So, that was my Aftermath. I guess I can be thankful of my crazy ability to do what needs to be done despite heart-ache. But oh, how I wish I could just be glad of heart.
We saw Doc yesterday. It was emotional, but once we were out of that office (I hate that office so much, so much disappointment associated with it) we could objectively say it was helpful.
Here is the plan:
1) Start the Embryo donation process. While we can't go on the waiting list while undergoing treatment, we can do all the pre-waiting list requirements (counselling appointments etc). This week I will call the Donation nurse and start that ball rolling. While its scary, it is nice that the contingency plan is already in place, to take the pressure off this last stimulated cycle. And Doc was very, very confident about ED for us. He said he had tested everything on my uterus and it was fine, and that problems are usually egg, then sperm, then uterus anyway. So while there are no grantees, it at least gives me hope for the wait.
2)Last Stim cycle, this time with a two week course of steroids. Our Doc is suspicious of treatment for "natural killer cells" because there aren't any proper studies proving it works, but he feels like since we are on our last cycle anyway, this is the time to try the more "alternative" approaches. I am also going to get Earl onto some conception multivitamins and perhaps go back to acupuncture. Earl and I feel really good about this. We are giving this next cycle everything. If it doesn't work, then we won't be stuck with any unhelpful "What ifs?"
So overall, given that this time last week I could have still been pregnant, we are going okay. It's actually been a shocker of a week for other reasons that I won't go into on this blog- some of which I'm sure is exacerbated by our BFN. But all in all, I'm feeling okay as I write, and that, given everything, is a blessing.
And my dear friend HJ has had a BFN on her IUI. I am so sorry friend, I so wanted us both to have our happy endings this round. Many, many hugs and prayers from across the ocean :(