"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, June 30, 2012

A sense of moving on

Feeling rather down at the moment.

Just got back from a mostly fantastic time away, working with Uni students on a retreat.  It is the start of my new job, and a great reminder, despite my nerves, that I am very well suited to this.

The bit that makes it mostly fantastic and not all fantastic is the same reason for my flat downess today.  You see, last year, though I was working there was very clearly an end point.  A time to move on.  But this job?  Someone asked me "So you are doing this for good?  Indefinately.".  And my answer was "I guess".  And that is really scary.

Of course, we are moving onto ED, and I still have good hopes for that.  But despite that there is this growing sense that this, this road that I am on, is not going to have a happy ending.  That this job, this life, with its good things (which are very good) and its Infertillity (which is bad enough to ruin most things) is just going to be my life ahead.

I was reading a blog that I've been reading for ages, a blog of someone who has had a baby after trying for ages.  As I read it there was this real sense of "It was all worth it" and "God had a plan".  But that just doesn't seem to happen in my life.  Thumper was my "happy ending" and he is dead.  And it just doesn't seem like anything good is going to follow him, at least not for a few years anyway.  And maybe never.

And remind me, even if there ever is, that I will never, ever say that Tim and I are "Finally a family".  Because no IF should ever, ever say that because it is a toxic lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know we are doing the right thing.  I have no doubt about this.  I am very confident that when I am eighty I'm not going to look back at this point and think we made a mistake.  But dreams dying hurt.  They hurt like hell.

And as much as I love my new job, compared to motherhood?  It kinda sucks.

1 comment:

  1. Re: the job stuff, I so understand!!! I so, so, soooooo understand!!!!