That is how I greated Earl this morning. Anniversaries of loss are really weird to know how to think about it. But right from the start Earl said that he didn't want to focus on Thumper's day of loss, or the day of miscarriage. He wanted a happy day to celebrate Thumpers brief life inside of me and so Thumper day was born, on Thumpers due date. Last year it was not happy, we prayed and we thanked God for Thumper but there were lots of tears and pain.
This year, when we went out to our fancy "Thumper day" dinner we thanked God for Thumper and we asked him for a child that will live. It was a happy day, with few tears.
But the truth is, the thing I feel the strangest about is that it was actually a day where Thumper got a bit overshadowed. I hate to say it, but given that today feels like one of the most full-on IF days of my life- then i guess it makes sense.
So, to today.
I went in for the transfer, feeling physically well and assuming things would go ahead. As we spoke to the doctor he explained that while we had some great looking embryos, he was leaning towards a freeze all because my trigger did not lead to the best implantation conditions, and OHSS didn't lead to good pregnancy outcomes and he thought it was good for my best embryos to get the best chance and that was a freeze all. So as I sadly agreed with him I asked how many embryos were still growing at day 2.
He counted on his sheet, looked at the embryologist and said "Really?" and she nodded and he said 18.
I didn't know how to think. That is more embryos that we have ever transfered in all our past 5 cycles!
Of course, that's 18 on day 2 that had continued to grow. Some were still only 2 cells, and most did not have the tentail signs of a perfect embryo. But it is a huge number. The nurse later told me she had never seen a single cycle that had produced 18 embryos at day 2.
I spin from being thrilled, excited, scared, guilty (should we have fertilised more eggs than I could ever carry?), pessamistic (ie if there problem is the genetic then that is just alot of transfers for no babies), and just in shock. One things is for sure- I have my no regrets cycle. No one could look at those embryos and say- we haven't given our last cycle a red hot go.
But anyway, on to the conversation. I made a suggestion that I am incredibly happy with, and kind of proud of. I suggested to the doctor- why don't we take the eggs that aren't looking as good- and grow them to blastocyst? We would be transfering them all anyway, so why not grow them out and see how they do. And then, in three days time, when we are even more sure that OHSS is not happening, then we can transfer some.
So that is the plan.
Provided I don't hyperstimulate. Provided some of those embryos make it to Blastocyst- we will transfer on Saturday. And if I am any risk of OHSS- we will freeze the blastocysts- knowing that the ones we froze are the ones who have the "life energy" (my old counsellors words) to maybe make it in the womb.
That is the plan.
Now, I need to go to bed, use my crinone- and get my body ready for a potential transfer.
But I'm still in shock.
I need to remind myself as Earl said (quietly and gently and helpfully), that the most likely scenario is still no genetic children.
But we are giving it a red hot go.
And I still don't know how to think.