A babbling post

I haven't written for a few days, even though I have started numerous posts.

I keep not being sure of what exactly to write, how exactly to explain what kind of week I have had.

It's been wonderful.

Wonderfully, Wonderful.

The reason?

Nothing in particular. No sudden phone call to say- "actually, you were pregnant, we made a mistake". No amazing insight into something we can do to help. Nothing.

Basically the only thing that has happened is that I have become suddenly convinced that we are going to have a baby. Absolutely convinced. And soon.

I'm not sure if its just a coping mechanism by my slightly mysterious brain. I've always been someone who can't handle being sad for very long, usually something comes along to perk me up, just because I think my brain is on the search for it and will take what it can get to feel better. But this is on another level.

Part of what is happened is that over this next month or two where we are not doing our next FET, we are trying to get pregnant anyway.

It might sound like a strange thing to say, but it has been over a year since I have bothered to "try" naturally. Not that we haven't "you know'd" but it hasn't been about having a baby. I have had 10 frozen transfers, with two miscarriages as the only result. And they were GOOD embryos. That's what the doctors always say when we ask, what can we do? They just shrug and say "You make good embryos" as if their job is done and the rest is up to my crazy uterus.

And so the idea that I can make an embryo on it's own, and that it might stick without Clexane has always seemed like a joke.

But God could heal me.

Now one of the reasons I've found it hard to write this post is because I have alot of hang-ups about "healing". I've heard too many times people being blamed for their sickness because "They don't have enough faith". I've seen my dear friend with Bi-polar celebrating each time she hits a "maniac" stage that God has healed her, only to be disappointed when the depression comes again. I've seen my Grandmother given three months to live from her cancer, and yet can still go to see her at her house five years later- so I've seen healing happen. But I've read things on-line that have implied that my infertility is only there because I don't have faith, and if I just had faith Thumper might have lived. And cried all day because of them.

I believe that God can heal. But I don't believe that healing is dependant on some super duper faith leap (after all, Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed was enough). I don't believe that God will always heal- just because we believe hard enough that he can. I don't have any promises from God or the Bible that I won't struggle with infertility for the rest of my life. Sometimes God miraculously heals people- I see that as I read many wonderful IF blogs. Sometimes God gives people a baby through medical intervention- and I see that as a miracle too. But I know of some very dear Christian people whose prayers were never answered, and who never got their longed for baby. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love them, or their faith wasn't good enough. It's a sick sad world, and infertility is just part of it. We all know there will always be people who never have their child, we just hope those people won't be us.

So even though I've prayed for healing, even though I know that God can, I've always just assumed that any miracle I get will be medical.

But this week that changed. I don't know why. But I think it hit me that anything is possible with God. That doesn't mean that I will be healed. But it means that I might. And so I will try this month. And any other month that I can.

One day I will sit down and write a detailed series of posts on God and infertility. I have thought so much about it. But not today. Today is a day to just enjoy a rare, precious, happy week.
LG
PS (I realise that not everyone who reads this blog will have the same thoughts on God and healing, or that you all even believe in God. I hope you don't mind occasional posts like this, this is part of who I am and a big part of the journey and it's helpful for me to share it. Thanks for your patients!)

Waiting for the inevitable no

A little more bleeding. I have no hope for this test.

Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.

At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?

This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(

This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.

I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.

Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".

4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.
LG

Growing in Patience?

Some of you might be wondering why I go from cycle to cycle without a break.

There are a few reasons. I am someone who loves to be doing something. I am actually more content during a cycle (despite the stress) than during the enforced or otherwise breaks that I have had, because it feels like a baby is closer. I know it is possible for me to get pregnant without IVF, but it seems so unlikely (given everything) that I find myself so much more hopeful when I'm doing something.

And the other reason is because I'm just so very impatient to have a baby that the idea that it might be even one month further away is too hard.

A few friends have commented that God must be wanting to teach me patience. I laugh when i think of that. But I don't actually know if I am growing in patience. I am definitely realising that patience would be a helpful thing to have. But so often I just feel like Verruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "Daddy, I want an Ompa Loompa(or in this case a baby) NOW!"

And because we are now nearing two months until Thumper's due date, it seems even more difficult to wait when I had thought that my time of waiting was to almost be over.

Of course I know that I am growing in patients. I must be. I know that suffering has the affect of teaching and growing us. I know I am a better person than the day we started TTC.

But as I often almost jokingly plee with my heavenly Father "Thanks, I've learnt that lesson now, can we move on?".

Speaking of patience and moving on, to my complete surprise, my blood test result suggests that I am near ovulation. Crazy body! Last month: 18 day ovulation. Month before: 17 day ovulation. Today- day 12!!! Is it a good sign? Who knows. But I am praying that the waiting is almost over.
Love LG