A few days ago, just after my last post I think, Earl gave me a call. He had some bad news. I won't go into what it was (it wasn't terrible bad, it was just frustrating bad), but his question was "Is History repeating itself?". You see, he had very similar frustrating news a year ago. A year ago when we were pregnant with Thumper.
I assured him of what he really already knew, that just because this thing had happened, and then we lost Thumper- does not mean that we are going to loose this baby if we are pregnant, just because the same thing had happened again. History was not repeating- things are so different this year.
I did the calculations on the web in terms of when my periods was, and how long my cycles normally go. If I am pregnant (and I am more and more sure that I am), then the baby would be due within days of Thumper's due date anniversary. It is in many ways history repeating itself. That is a scary thought, but it is also an amazing thought- it makes me associate this pregnancy and this baby with my beloved Thumper in a very precious way. And it makes the miracle of a completely unexpected pregnancy feel even more like a gift.
Praying this little one that might be growing inside me can stay with us forever!
Day 44 was a little bit traumatic. When calculating at first I miscalculated and thought that I was actually day 37- which of course is no where near as exciting! But after recalculating and confirming (by this blog!) when my period was, I was able to confirm that I was right. So that makes today 45- incredible!
Also, before I went to bed- I had a slight touch of very, very pale brown spotting. Earl and I both very sick and pretty scared.
An hour later, it was gone, and this morning it is gone and I feel pretty nauseous. So I am not to dwell on it. But I think very soon (maybe after the weekend) it is time for a test, and I suspect Earl will agree with me.
Pray for me!
LG
update: I vomited! Earl said from the other room "Is it wrong that for me that was a happy sound?". Too early for a chemist to be open but we will test today and if its positive see about getting a beta for Monday
Showing posts with label bleeding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bleeding. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Too much in my head
I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The Story of Loosing Thumper
WARNING- If you are pregnant, best not to read this, it might be upsetting. In fact, no one needs to read this if you don't feel comfortable- this is an exercise for me as much as it is information for anyone else.
Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.
I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.
And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.
Anyway- the story.
Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.
At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.
We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.
We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.
This is the part that is hard to write.
We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.
There was no heart beat.
The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.
Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.
He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."
The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.
We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.
Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.
That's all I can write.
Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.
I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.
And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.
Anyway- the story.
Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.
At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.
We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.
We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.
This is the part that is hard to write.
We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.
There was no heart beat.
The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.
Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.
He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."
The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.
We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.
Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.
That's all I can write.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hope Dashed
I got my period yesterday.
My world is falling apart.
I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.
Or listening to my prayers.
And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.
I really, really thought that I was pregnant.
I am such a fool.
LG
My world is falling apart.
I don't know if anyone is even really still reading this blog to find out.
Or listening to my prayers.
And so, the worst year of my life remains the worst year of my life.
I really, really thought that I was pregnant.
I am such a fool.
LG
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The brighter side of a two week wait
I've been living in a bit of a dream land these last few days.
Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.
It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.
Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.
But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG
Blissfully happy. Knowing that there could be a pregnancy going on inside my belly. I think the reason I am so happy now and so miserable usually is because in the past I had heaps of different negative pregnancy experiences rushing through my head but this time all I can think about was this same stage when I was pregnant with Thumper. It was the same time of year, I had the same bloated belly and the same timeline of just waiting to bleed and if I didn't bleed, well, that is a reasonable sign that the blood test would come back good. I also had this unexpected feeling of hope. I've been enjoying the possibility that things are happening as I dream they would- and we would once again have a pregnancy.
It hit me a little bit today that I am moving from the bright to the hard side of the two week wait. Yes, this first week is a time of not knowing and waiting. But it's a time when there is no chance of bleeding. It is a time when there is no bad news that can come. It is just the lovely possibility of good news.
Now I am hitting the week where I could bleed, where the bloating could pass.
But I'm also approaching the time when I could get a BFPs.
LG
Thursday, August 25, 2011
BFN
Today was a BFN. So it is all over, just as I thought it might be. I'm pretty sad about it, but i did my falling apart morning yesterday so this morning I'm not going to badly-considering. But I miss my baby so much. I don't know why it has to be so hard. It seems like so many people everywhere are so blessed and my road just gets harder and harder. IT JUST SUCKS!!!!
Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.
So, it begins again. Stim cycle.
Two good positives though.
It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.
And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.
This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?
LG
Earl is taking it really hard. Please pray for us.
So, it begins again. Stim cycle.
Two good positives though.
It seems to me that our embryo wasn't particularly strong, but it still attached. Perhaps it was the accupuncture? And the first embryo from our last stim cycle was Thumper. So maybe accupuncture plus stronger embryo might actually equal baby? That is what I'm praying.
And the other thing is that I was talking to my counsellor and she said at the clinic staff meeting coming up, she's make sure me and my case are on the list to talk about, so that all the clinic doctors can look through my files and perhaps think of some things to tweak to maybe get it right this time.
This weekend is going to be so hard :'(
Where is my baby God?
LG
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
:'(
Am now getting some pretty heavy bleeding.
So very very very sad.
Seriously, why is my road like this. So very, very hard.
I don't get it.
LG
So very very very sad.
Seriously, why is my road like this. So very, very hard.
I don't get it.
LG
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A year ago
To explain about this week I have to go back to this time last year.
This time last year, I was having a transfer.
This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.
So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.
I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.
And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.
This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.
It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.
A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.
I'm actually going okay.
Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.
And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.
So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.
Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy
LG
This time last year, I was having a transfer.
This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.
So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.
I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.
And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.
This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.
It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.
A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.
I'm actually going okay.
Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.
And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.
So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.
Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy
LG
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Waiting for the inevitable no
A little more bleeding. I have no hope for this test.
Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.
At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?
This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(
This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.
I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.
Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".
4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.
LG
Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.
At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?
This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(
This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.
I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.
Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".
4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.
LG
Saturday, May 21, 2011
1 day and hope retreating
1 day until beta.
I have had the slightest touch of dark, old bleeding.
I am not totally without hope, but it feels like the kind of thing that is the warning of a bad day tomorrow. I'm praying like crazy, but I'm so sad, and trying to leave a bit of the emotions for tomorrow. There is still the possibility that everything is going to be good. But there is the real possibility of a big, fat, ugly negative and I am struggling.
I'm fighting off sickness so I am feeling tired and warn out as well.
Where the hell is my miracle?
LG
I have had the slightest touch of dark, old bleeding.
I am not totally without hope, but it feels like the kind of thing that is the warning of a bad day tomorrow. I'm praying like crazy, but I'm so sad, and trying to leave a bit of the emotions for tomorrow. There is still the possibility that everything is going to be good. But there is the real possibility of a big, fat, ugly negative and I am struggling.
I'm fighting off sickness so I am feeling tired and warn out as well.
Where the hell is my miracle?
LG
Monday, December 20, 2010
When will the fear end!
Well, the weekend with the Aunt went by without any family member finding out we are pregnant. But that is not to say it wasn't eventful.
Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.
We ended up going to the emergency room.
The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.
So that's what I'm hoping to do today.
I just want to stop being afraid!
I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.
Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!
LG
Most of the time I get up at least two times in the night to pee. One night at my aunts I got up and I found blood. Very little blood. But blood. I went into my husband and we tried to work out what to do.
We ended up going to the emergency room.
The prognosis was that everything was probably fine- that if it wasn't there was nothing they could do, and if we have any more bleeding or sever pain to come in again. So far I haven't had either. The doctor recommended that if we are still nervous we should go to a GP and organise another ultra sound.
So that's what I'm hoping to do today.
I just want to stop being afraid!
I have vomited every morning. This morning it took a while. Once again the fear rose up. I can't loose thumper- I cried to Earl. But soon the vomit came. But I'm still scared.
Happy 9 weeks Thumper. Maybe there be many, many more. Please God!
LG
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Update
Not good.
Bleeding whole weekend.
Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation
Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces
Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.
And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".
And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"
Blood test tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.
It seems like a cruel joke.
I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.
I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.
So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.
Please God
A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey
Bleeding whole weekend.
Beta hcg only gone up by 100 on Monday. ie- a baby is not going to come out of this situation
Beta hcg goes up by 100 again on Wednesday. Fear of Ectopic surfaces
Today- in the clinic for two hours so that I could have an ultra sound that showed nothing. Doubly bad because not only was I have an ultra sound which didn't show a baby but I was to have an ultra sound which didn't show anything- so we still don't know what is going on.
And twice I was asked by staff "So, is this your first IVF transfer".
And how impossible and stupid do I feel to say "No, it's my seventh"
Blood test tomorrow.
Meanwhile I am still stabing myself with Clexan neddles, getting up at 5:30 to put in a pessary, and lying down at 1:30 and 9:30 for an hour for the other pessaries.
It seems like a cruel joke.
I know God is good, but this seems cruel, unjust, and so horrible. I don't understand.
I have never seen my husband so sad. He seems lost and he is so angry at God.
So I don't feel like I can morn properly because I want to be strong for him.
Please God
A break from all the crap?
love Lady Grey
Friday, July 23, 2010
My crazy week
The last four days since I have posted have been the strangest, craziest days of this whole IF process.
As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.
I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".
Clare said she would pray too.
The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.
Ring Ring
"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"
"Yep, they are looking fine"
"What, I mean, what do you mean?"
(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"
"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)
"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".
"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".
Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.
When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".
24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.
I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.
I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.
Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".
She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.
The bleeding continued.
So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.
It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.
But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope
And to tell the truth.
For the first time in around 3 years.
I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey
As I said in my last post- we had a very low pregnancy test reading which suggested a non-viable pregnancy. My 'score' was 20 on Saturday, and I was down to do another test on Wednesday. The chance I was given was pretty low. Stay on the meds, just in case, but don't get your hopes up.
I caught up with my friend Clare, who was twelve weeks pregnant with her own little IVF baby. I told her the story. I said to her "We believe in a God who can do miracles, who can raise the dead. So we are still praying. But we don't have hope".
Clare said she would pray too.
The next day I took the test (the ever positive nurse who took it kept saying- you never know, I'm hoping it'll be 120) and Tim came home so that we could hear the bad news together.
Ring Ring
"Hi it's Lady Grey here, calling for my results"
"Yep, they are looking fine"
"What, I mean, what do you mean?"
(Nurse takes a quick look at my chart- to find out why I sound so funny)"Well, it's gone up, it's now 185"
"WHAT!!! 185" (Tim looking at me in shock, trying to work out what was going on)
"Does this mean that I'm pregnant, is everything alright?".
"No, it does mean you are pregnant, but an early low result is a bad sign. I would give you fifty fifty chance that this pregnancy will go on".
Tim and I were in shock. We couldn't believe it. We didn't want to get excited. But 50/50 was the highest percentage we had heard for a long time.
When I told Clare she was amazed, and her face book status read "Clare believes in a God of miracles, and answered prayers".
24 hours later- bleeding. Heavy bleeding.
I called. The lady said not to panic, to come in for a test the next morning, and stay on my medication.
I took another blood test, but again, Tim and I sat by the phone, holding each other, expecting more bad news.
Nurse Julie "(Silence- sounds like its going to be bad news) Well, results indicated 540 so it's still right on track. Looks like everything is still going okay".
She told me not to stress. She told me to relax and not to do housework (joking though- so it didn't get me out of any). She told me that I shouldn't be stressed or anxious but that she knew that I would be. She said to come in on Monday if the bleeding continued for another blood test.
The bleeding continued.
So now I sit on Saturday morning- no idea what to feel.
It's hard to believe that a baby could still be inside of me when I've had the equivalent of almost two days worth of period heavy bleeding.
But stranger things have happened this week. I am NOT without hope
And to tell the truth.
For the first time in around 3 years.
I believe in a God of miracles.
love Lady Grey
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