"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Waiting for the inevitable no

A little more bleeding. I have no hope for this test.

Did a fair bit of mourning last night- I didn't get to sleep until after 12, despite going to bed at 10. Thinking through, asking questions, wondering why.

At evening church we had a talk on Ecclesiastes 3- which is all about there being a time for everything. I cried through the talk (as subtly as I could in the front row), before needing to leave near the end. These verses grieve us because when Thumper came we asked "Is our time of morning over?". But it wasn't, it was only just beginning. The chapter says that God will make everything beautiful in his time. When?

This morning as I went in for my blood test I told the nurse about the bleeding. "It's not fair" she said "It's your turn!". That's how i feel. It is my time to have a pregnancy that lasts. I am so, so, so confident that I will have a child at some stage- (I don't really have any good evidence for it except for Thumper's conception). But why can't it be this one :'(

This morning I lay in Earl's arms, so very thankful for his touch and warmth and kindness and love. We are so sad, so grieved. But we are together.

I am still taking my medication of course. There is always the tiny chance of a positive beta, and besides, I feel like these are the last acts I can do on this earth for my precious little one, to take medication, to acknowledge how important this embie is, how much I wish that I could hold and feed and love and teach. But all I can do now is take medication. And praying for an unlikely miracle.

Earl said yesterday, reflecting on Thumper "We were going to have a baby. And then we weren't. It is so wrong".

4 hours until beta results.
Pray for us.

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