Constant rebuilding

One of the hardest things about IF is that just when you pull yourself together, something happens that makes you fall apart again.

It has been a pretty good week overall. I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog, but in my spare time I am a writer. I have been writing a novel for the last 5 years (Ironically I started right when we started trying for kiddies) and am very close to completion. Anyway, this week I was able to spend lots of time on it, and I love it. Really, the happiest I ever am is when I'm writing. Partly it's just living out the life of my character, who faces pretty tough things but whose "happily ever after" I have complete control over. But it makes me so happy, and it's been a Godsend with the news of last week.

Earlier in the week when I had not been coping, I booked an appointment with a Therapist. So yesterday I went in. It was wonderful. She was wonderful. It was like talking to my old therapist. She was filled with hope, so enthusiastic about my chances. She had some really helpful info about Embryo donation- including that the waiting lists at our clinic had gone down to as low as 3 months! I came out feeling like we would have a baby soon, and if we couldn't, then embryo donation would actually be a really great alternative.

That afternoon we had our appointment with our doctor. Not so positive. He looked at our embryo quality, and said everything looked good. He was happy with fertilisation, happy with how they turned out. But once again they didn't stick. He said his money was on genetically abnormal embryos.

We are going to go ahead with one more stimulated cycle after our frozen transfer. But he doesn't think this is something that can go on forever. He thinks there isn't much more they can do after that.

Earl and I had an emotional couple of hours talking about it. Talking about embryo adoption. Re-talking about donor eggs. It was tough. But good. I felt like I pulled myself together.

I had a great night, celebrating my birthday with Earl's family.

Then as we headed home, Earl told me some news.

My friend Mrs L is pregnant again.

Mrs L is my friend who was trying similiar time as me. Who got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. Who had one frozen embryo that didn't survive the thaw. Who decided with her husband that they weren't up for another cycle now, that they would wait a few years, and then try again.

Pregnant naturally.

I love her, I love her son and I will love her child. I don't begrudge this.

BUT WHERE IS MY MIRACLE!

It's funny. You do your best to think positively about your situation. You decide it's okay that you didn't get pregnant right away. You decide that it's okay that conception doesn't happens through s3x. You decide that its okay that it takes a while, as long as it happens. You decide, finally, that maybe it will be okay if they are not genetically my kids, because at least I will have a baby.

Then someone gets what you so desperately want and you think. Yes, I'm okay with all this. But why do I have to make all these compromises when someone in exactly the same situation as me, gets everything!

Think it's time for another trip to the counsellor. 24 hours later.
LG
PS Love to HJ, I am so very, very sorry about your BFN. You know, I keep having these dreams that one day I will go to the US and meet you and we will have children to show each other. I am still praying for that to happen friend. I'm so sorry.

Getting through the dark times

Last night was a dark time.

When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.

Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.

SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.

But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to

But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.

This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.

In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!

But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?

Two things made me smile last night.

Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.

The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.

Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?

I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.

Earl was horrified when I told him.

But suddenly we both started to laugh.

"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".

We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.
LG

AF, and super sucky timing!

The morning after our first initial appointment I got AF. In the lead up to IVF treatment, I always pray desperately to just get pregnant naturally. Now more than ever because things are just so hard. I know its terrible, but this next IVF just seems like a waste of time, it feels like we are just punching at the wind. Earl doesn't feel like that, he feels like we are still a real chance.

(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)

So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.

We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday

And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".

I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!

Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(

I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.

Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.

SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.

LG

Getting Help

Okay, i think its time to admit that I am NOT coping better than I have with other announcements. I am in the sense that I am not particularly bitter or angry towards my friend, but I am not in the sense that I am falling apart and I know its not just a coincidence that this break-down has coincided with my friends news.

I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.

And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).

When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.

I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.

And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG

How to keep up hope

Hi Friends,

Well, I'm still very much in the flat, not coping stage. It has been a horrid week, and I usually can't go more than two hours without tears. I am feeling so lost. One of the people's who blogs I read has just announced a miracle pregnancy. It was the first post I read after my period. As happy as I am for her, I don't understand. I don't understand why it is always someone else and never me. That is the theme, the song which keeps jingling round my head "why someone else and never me why someone else and never me why someone else and never me".

The only thing that is keeping me going is Earl.

Earl thinks we are going to have a baby one day. He really thinks we are going to have a baby one day. In fact, I will go so far as to say that he is more hopeful this side of the period than he was before it. This makes no sense to me, but I am grateful.

Perhaps because he doesn't have a medicalish brain, perhaps because he hasn't had to go through everything medical that I have and has seen no result, but Earl believes in miracles. He still believes that every month we can get pregnant. He believes that a new clinic can help. He believes that a baby is in my future and he tells me, "don't give up on life yet Lady, there is a baby coming for you".

I pray it is so!

LG

Transfer for tomorrow, and update on my babies

Transfer is happening tomorrow. I sway and swap between excitement and hope and fear and doubt. I have no idea whether the baby they transfer will stay but I hope and hope like crazy!

Yesterday I got a call from the lab technician who left a message. They said that one baby is at 8 cells, and one is at 5, but that she wasn't worried, and she thinks the five is still growing and getting strong and might even have reached 6 cells by the time she had made the call. Now I misheard and thought she said that they expected them to be at 8 cells by this stage.

SO I had a bit of a terrible day, worrying about my babies, and worrying more generally about life as usually happens when I am going through this process.

Later in the day I decided to listen to the message again, and realised that at this stage they expect them to be 6-8 cells. Yay! So one embryo is at the head of the class and one is very close to the normal, expected stage :)

We'll find out more about the little one tomorrow, but the 8 celler (which is likely blastocyst by now) is going in!

I am playing to be very gentle with myself, not work to hard, eat healthy food, and I'm even getting some accupuncture straight after the transfer :)

Today is an absolutely beautiful Sunny day. Not warm, but sunny, and it feels like after much delay spring is finally here. It is, in my books, a time for hope. And time to think maybe, just maybe, it is time for some joy instead of morning.

Please pray for me and my embryos.
Love LG

3 eggs

We got three eggs. They are good looking eggs but there are only three of them. So scared this isn't going to work. So scared this is never going to work.

I was very weapy and emotional after my transfer. The nurse told me we would be using crinone because they didn't have any pregnal left. I got really upset, because for all my non-pregnancy fresh cycles we used crinone, but for thumper we used pregnal. I really wanted to use pregnal, even though I know medically it doesn't really make a difference.

One of the nurses searched and found the last bit of pregnel for me, and said we could use that instead. I told her as she handed it to me, "I know this doesn't make any sense". She smiled and said "Yes, it does make sense". She is one of the brisker nurses in the unit- but i love her for that special act of understanding.

I am weapy and emotional and just feeling so weak. I know that we will probably get one embryo at least out of this. But we might not. Tomorrow we call up to find out if any eggs fertilised. I'm so scared of that call.

Now I'm going to have a bath and read a book.

I am going to try for a few hours to not think about infertility.
LG

The fun of meds and travel

Earl and I are about to go to a conference this afternoon.

Earl, I, and my meds.

It's such a frustrating scenario. I have the iceblock in the fridge, which will be useful to get the meds to the conference site. Then I will have to talk to staff there about the possibility of using a fridge to put my medicine in. This is a conference where I don't really know people and where I really don't want people knowing I'm in the middle of an IVF cycle. Not only that, but I have to access my meds at 11pm- which might be an issue if the rooms which contain the fridge are closed up by that time.

I'm sure it will be fine. It's been fine in the past. I've flown on planes with medication. I've stayed with relatives with medication. I've been on conferences with medication.

But it is a stress and a hassle that I don't need right now.

"Why don't they stay? Why don't our embryos stick? What can we do to make them stick? What is the problem? What made Thumper stick?" These were the questions Earl was asking me last night. I had to ask him to stop. Because all these questions bring up all the insecurities about the fact that my womb is incomplete and that I feel like a baby killer. Good embryos go in, nothing comes out.

Earl doesn't think that. He just doesn't understand how it all work, and how it all doesn't work.

But I don't want to think about that. I want to think that there is a baby in my belly. A baby who is not dead. A baby who is attaching and growing. A baby that will make itself known in almost exactly a weeks time.
Please, please, please! Amen
LG

Not coping

I'm so tired.

We have pretty much decided to have a break this coming month. The hard thing about that is that it means that it is very, very unlikely that we will be pregnant before Thumper's due date. Which means that this coming two months are going to be horrible. Today is two months away from his due date. I can hardly bear it. Why do my babies die? :''''''''''(

I am so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. So often I hear so many happy stories of pregnancies for those who struggle with infertility. But how journey just seems to be getting blacker and blacker.

I'm not coping very well.
Please pray.
LG

Perfect timing on so many levels

So, providing defrosting of my embryo goes well, transfer takes place tomorrow. 3 hours after the transfer I will get on a plane for a weekend away with my Mum and my sister. The only thing different about this trip because of the transfer is that when my Mum and Sister are in the hot-springs, I will be watching, or maybe getting a pedicure! But I would much rather sit there with an embryo watching than participating without one.

It is such nice timing. It's been a stressful few weeks which have just started to slow down. And to start the 2ww with a holiday is a real gift.

Today I asked God to give me the courage and faith to pray. As I might have already mentioned on this blog, I find it difficult to pray about transfers because I have had so many disappointments. Even though I know it's not helpful, I can't help thinking to myself "What's the point? He always says no anyway". And so I am asking God to help me to pray about this. To trust that he can and does answer prayers and that it is important to do. But it's hard.

Please pray that our little one sticks.

Yesterday I was nervous about Bible study which is really unusual for me. I asked Earl why and he said "You are anxious about the transfer, and so you are nervous about everything. If we were on our way to a free trip to Paris you would be stressed. You'd be saying "I've forgotten something, I've forgotten something"." This was funny because it's true and also because I do always panic about forgetting stuff. Though I'm also usually right :)

Anyway, randomy post to say that things are going well but I am still petrified.
LG

Hard relationships

In this process, some relationships are hard.

I have a friend, who since I've started trying, has started dating a guy, married him, and is now expecting her second child. Two weeks after Thumper was due.

We meet up regularly to pray.

It is really hard.

Hard because my feeling about her are so warped now. And as it's always been a relationship where I have mainly been the one caring for her, it's just hard to know how to relate now that I'm the one struggling.

We used to be so close, and I was so excited about her moving to the same town as me. I thought it would be so good.

And she always leaves me feeling raw and a little bit angry at God. That he would give this to her and not to me. That after everything I've been through, she would be the one to get the baby for Christmas. It just seems like a slap in the face!

The strange thing is, I'm not jealous of her. She is someone who is pessimistic and negative and sad most of the time. That's just her bent on life. When I talk to her, I feel like I'm the happier one and I'm the one who has been trying for four years and who lost a baby while she is the one with the gorgeous toddler and the gender checking ultra-sound today!

And I'm so torn because I want to be there for her. And she wants to be there for me. She prays for me everyday. She cries for me. I see her guilt with every look, and every time I'm silent and I won't look her in the eye I can see that it hurts her.

I love her, and I want our friendship to go back where it was.

When the baby is born it will be better. It's so much easier to resent a bump than a baby I can see. When I look at her gorgeous girl, all the horribleness goes away, and I just see one more child that God has given me to love.

But I want my own.
Lady Grey

Not my world

Sometimes I think the Internet is not good for me.

Today I opened a blog post of a friend celebrating a year since since found out she was pregnant with her second child.

It was a lesson in what life is like in the world of the fertile. So different from my world.

She isn't sure if she's pregnant and decides to pee on a stick.

Not my world

She wasn't trying to get pregnant and isn't sure how she feels about it.

Not my world

She finds out that she is and is excited.

Well, it was my world once but even then there was a fear that just doesn't seem to fit into the "normal" experience. And in the end the fear was justified :'(

She is worried about telling her friend who is also trying for her second, but finds out they are both conveniently pregnant, found out at the same time, and are now expecting their kids at the same time.

In my world i watch my friends move onto their second 'successful' (sorry, bad word I know)pregnancies, and babies births. And nothing works out conveniently for me.

She now writes excitedly as she looks at her baby beside her.

Not my world.

I HATE MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!

:''(
LG

Dealing with Anger

I am very thankful to be living in Australia doing IVF. Not only can i go to a good quality clinic through the public system where I don't pay much and where some of what I pay gets given back by the Government because of our low income(!)- but the hospital I go to provides a fullish-time IF counsellor for free. And she is lovely. We had our first face-to-face appointment since the miscarriage (we were talking on the phone while I was interstate with my family).

One of the things we talked about was anger.

I am angry so much of the time.

It's not always related to the miscarriage/infertility though it often is. Anger when a friend gets pregnant. Anger when I think about how long it has been since we started trying. Anger when I think about how I would be showing if little Thumper had lived. Anger at my husband because he wants time in the evening to study rather than spending them all with me. And mostly just anger at myself for not coping with my pain. I suspect it's just a stage of the grief process that I have to go through. My way of dealing with it is often to be angry with myself for being angry! I knew I wasn't being godly with my thoughts but I wasn't sure what to do about it.

One of the things she suggested was to write about it. Because you can't just be angry. You need to process it somehow or it eats you up inside.

I was thinking about writing out my anger last night but decided not too.

Silly move!

Today I have:
-Yelled at God about 15 times
-Deliberately knocked over a table at work in anger because a screw came loose as i was setting it up and it made me made.
-Burst into angry tears because a friend asked me to do something I didn't want to do.
-Snaped at that same friend on the phone later because she was at a different end of the train station that I was meeting her at and I had to walk 2 minutes to find her.
-Been deliberately standoffish with a work collegue because he has mannerish that annoy me.
-Gave lots of dirty looks to random strangers.

I feel so embarrassed. I know that anger is normal when you've been through a terrible thing but no one deserved my anger (except perhaps the table!). But the amazing thing about it is that God can handle my anger. Even though he is the least deserving of all. He listens and he cares.

So tomorrow morning I am sitting down and I am expressing my anger in writing, and praying that God would help me to deal with it and perhaps even take it away.

And it's not just for the sake of myself, or Earl, or my friends, collegues, or the furniture or even God. Thumper's little life is not honoured in my anger. And I want him honoured
love LG

Fighting Fear

Yesterday I was afraid again. So much disappointment and heartache doesn't disappear overnight. It was so strange. I kept ringing up my husband- is this really happening. It didn't help that I felt alot better (less nauseous) than I had all week.

The nice thing was, just after I got off the phone with him- the nurse from the infertility department called, "How are you?" I asked politely, "We're all wonderful, now that we've seen your fantastic scan" she said! She was so positive. Officially, unless things go wrong in the next five weeks, I am out of their hands. The joy began again. This is actually happening!

And this morning I was feeling better, got worried again, and proceeded to vomit up all the water I had drunk so far that morning :)

We are thinking maybe telling immediate family at ten weeks. It's hard to decide- particularly as we really don't want it spreading beyond immediate family until 12 weeks. But I just can't wait to tell our folks :)

We've given the baby our own private nick-name- "Thumper" because of his little heart- that refused to stop beating- even when everything was against him. We are calling him a him. We both think its a boy- though we may be wrong.

We are having a baby!
LG

Transfer day

It's funny how superstition can creep in during IVF treatment to the most unsupertitious people.

I woke up this morning. The sun is streaming across the trees, shadowed by the blue sky. After days and days of gloomy rain. It's a sign, it's a sign- I think to myself.

I'm still feeling so hopefully. Ridiculously hopeful. Don't know why. Maybe because I'm on different medication (can that affect your mood?)? Maybe because the misscarriage at least opened the possibility in my head of a "yes, your pregnant" answer at the end?

We got Four little embryos this time. As of Monday they were all growing pretty well- though one was looking brilliant, two were looking good, and one was a little slow. But the "scientist" seemed to be positive about all fours chances. I pray they all make it. I love them all.

I still remember my first ever transfer. We only had two eggs that fertilised. The nurse had told me- we will call you early in the morning if neither of them make it.

I woke up at 8am. I think i screamed. It was one of the happiest moments of the whole journey. God had given us a little baby to place in my belly! And even though that little one didn't stay (I named her Elizabeth)- I still look back at that moment with great fondness. I was just so happy.

And since transfers are such non-events in terms of intervention- I've packed my day with work I have to do :( and catching up with friends to pray :)

But there is a little part of me which would have prefered to sleep and rest and reveal in the "baby in my belly" thing.

In Lamintation there is a beautiful verse about hoping in God, for yet i will praise him. I have hope for a baby- but it isn't certain hope. It's a please, please, please, I beg you God, have mercy kind of hope. But I have a certain hope that despite what happens I will praise him and know he is good.

Please Father- help me whatever the circumstances. But please. Amen
love Lady Grey

I've been depressed

I've been angry

I've cried

I've screamed

I've had the worst few weeks of my life.

I know that this pain won't just go away.

But I've had three reasonable days in a row.

Days were I've been mostly okay and sometimes really sad and sometimes really angry.

But mostly okay.

I didn't know that I would ever be mostly okay again.

And even though I was so mad at him.

God has still been looking after me.

Grace.
Lady Grey