Relief

It's strange how your experience of Infertility treatment changes as time goes on.  There was a certain sense, in the first few years, of optimism and excitement.  Of course, I was never one of those people who bought maternity clothes or picked out furniture during the IVF process, but I always had a lovely sense of doing something.

Now the whole process is filled with dread.

It hit me yesterday that now I'm just waiting for AF before we start.  We've hit day 29 today, and I suspect this weekend will be the time for AF to show up.  And once AF comes, I call the clinic and begin my cycle.  I pick up my meds.  I start my u/s.  I begin our very, very last go of a stimulated cycle.  I mentioned it to Earl and we both looked at each other with such a sick, sad expression.  We are not filled with very much hope.

But while I am scared that it is the last one, and that in less than a month my dreams of having genetic children will be dead, there is another feeling.

Relief.

Relief that we are momentarily off the roller coaster.  Relief that we have an alternative plan I am happy with.  Relief that whatever happens, I do not have to do another stimulated cycle.  Relief that at least we did all we can.

Oh, how I would love this to work.  I still dream about it.  My day dreams are all about little twins that look like us.  I don't know if it makes it harder that we have our kids names already picked out.  I see them, all the time in my mind.  I see me calling our kids by their names.  There is a bit of me that thinks we might just be due for an eleventh hour miracle.

But either way, this is over, and I am glad as well as very scared.  What a mess of emotions this process produces!

Earl and I had the loveliest time yesterday.  We took our friends kids to the Museum.  It was such fun.  We watched a 3D movie about volcanoes and the girl sat on my lap, hiding in my shoulder if it got to scary.  It was so precious.  And for once it wasn't about what I didn't have.  It was about what I had.  I hate that I'm not a Mum.  But it's pretty awesome being a favourite Auntie to some of the cutest kids imaginable.

It's strange how life can seem so full and so empty at the same time.

IF- you are a wicked witch!
LG

Transfer plan

You'll be pleased to hear that the nurse who rang up to give me my results was alot nicer than the one who took them. She was very sympathetic and sorry.

But, my silly early period has messed things up a bit. Normally at this clinic they do natural cycles, which would have meant that even though my day 1 was Tuesday, it still would have been fine to start a cycle straight away. But my doctor doesn't want me to do anything normal, I've tried normal so he's all about different! I'm actually having a puregon transfer cycle. Sounds totally weird to me, but I get the logic, stimulate me to ovulate (though not the extent of a normal IVF cycle of course), then pop the embryo back in after I do.

But because I would have had to start the stims pretty early, I am too late for this cycle. I was bummed for a second then strangely relieved. I guess I kinda knew that I wasn't up for two roller coaster months in a row.

So it begins again. A month off, followed by a month on again. I'm glad we are doing different now. Because Thumper was a fresh baby, I often feel like frozen cycles are never going to work anyway. So different at least gives me a little glimmer of hope.

Life is half impossibly hard, and half not to bad. Hoping the "not so bad" starts winning the comp pretty soon. I'm so exhausted from sadness.
LG

Trying to pull ourselves together

This morning I went early to the clinic to have my beta. It was a traumatic experience, because it could have been such a different one. I told the nurse I had my period so it was a formality. She asked me what I was doing over the long weekend, and told me to have a lovely day. No acknowledgement of the fact that this was clearly a hard day for me. It made me sad, because the lovely nurse who used to take my blood in my old clinic would have given me a hug and told me she was sorry.

I cried in the car, so much that I had to pull over and call Earl, coz I was worried I would have an accident.

Earl is pretty sad today. The big issue is, IF is not the only stressful/not going well thing in our lives at the moment. It feels like crap is just piling up high on us, and we don't know why.

Yesterday I hung out with some friends and their daughter. Their four year old asked me "Are you going to get married Auntie LG?" Her Mum corrected her, said that I was married to Uncle Earl. "But you don't have children?" she asked puzzled "How can you be married without Children?". I am I told her. She paused for a moment then said "Your tummy needs to get really fat and then you can have a baby". It was both a really hard and a really funny conversation. I said "I hope so" and she seemed satisfied with that.

It is so very hard to trust God when your life is falling apart. But I'm trying to remember what day it is. Good Friday. That was the day that proves once and for all that God loves me.

I would appreciate lots of prayers. Life is really tough.
LG

Processing the News

It's been a very, very hard nearly 42 hours.

I got my first site of bleeding during a dinner with friends. It was all I could do to smile and be polite through it when I really wanted to go to bed and howl! But they left and I told Earl and we cried together.

Day 2 I got the heavy bleeding and knew there was no hope. It was a tough day, I had organised to see my SIL and nephew and was trying to decide if it would help or hinder. It helped. Nephew is such a treasure! As I looked at him, I thought to myself "This is worth it. Even though this path is hard, it is worth it to create someone precious like this". I felt detirmined. Though Earl pointed out when I told him this, no matter how detirmined we are or how hard we try, that doesn't gareentee us a baby.

Today was really tough. It was an emotional day anyway, moving my Grandmother's piano to my house, as she and Pa are moving into a retirement villiage. Earl has been a trooper. Rediculous numbers of cuddles, lovely words, even flowers. I am feeling very sad, but very loved.

We named our babies Alfred and Ian- the first and middle names of Earl's Pa who passed away two weeks ago. I love the idea of them all meeting in heaven. But I wish they could have stayed.

We have one embryo left from this cycle, and can decide this week if we want to go straight in or wait. I think I want to go straight in. I've also booked an appointment with my doc next week so we can talk about this cycle and the future.

Earl feels like now is not the time to give up on genetic children. I suspect (if the doctor agrees) we might do one more fresh cycle, before exploring embryo adoption. Of course, I want our last little one to make it and for there to be no future cycles to think about for a while, but it's hard to be positive after a week like this.
LG

Stupid, Stupid AF

She came in full today, though she had made herself known last night.

I am very, very, very, very angry and upset.

I feel completely blind-sided. I didn't know that she would come so early, and I really took seriously the possibility that I might be pregnant.

Not fair, not fair, not fair.

Don't have the energy for reflection today. Beta on Friday.
LG

AF, and super sucky timing!

The morning after our first initial appointment I got AF. In the lead up to IVF treatment, I always pray desperately to just get pregnant naturally. Now more than ever because things are just so hard. I know its terrible, but this next IVF just seems like a waste of time, it feels like we are just punching at the wind. Earl doesn't feel like that, he feels like we are still a real chance.

(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)

So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.

We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday

And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".

I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!

Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(

I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.

Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.

SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.

LG

The Beginning of the End

There is a certain unrest that has settled in our beautiful little home. An elephant in the room. We don't really want to talk about it too much, its easier to just do the things we need to do, to have fun, to distract ourselves. But it is still there. Our IVF appointments start on Wednesday.

In many ways it should be a good thing. Here is another chance. Here is another go. We got Thumper through IVF. Maybe this time we will have a pregnancy that lasts.

But it's hard to be positive after our last appointment. And it's hard to be positive with the process ahead of us.

I think IVF is just wonderful, theoretically. And there are lots of kids who are very precious to me who were created through IVF, not the least my little embryos and Thumper. But it is a hard road when you are long time unsucessful like us.

And it is compounded because our new clinic wants to do genetic testing on our embryos. It makes sense, we know that there is either a problem with our embryos or a problem with my Uterus. Genetic testing is the most advance way to check if the problem is embryo related. BUT ITS SO DARN COMPLICATED. I realise not everyone will have the same attitude as us, but we are keen to give any embryo a chance at life, even if there is something "wrong" with it. While our clinic is theoretically okay with that, it is these appointments where this gets sorted, these where we fight those battles. And we will fight them, but we just wish it wasn't necessary. We wish things hadn't got to this point.

And the possible outcomes. Either nothing is wrong with any of the embryos, and we are left with a faulty uterus (which we might be able to solve, but might not). Or there is something wrong, and we are faced with multiple IVF cycles with babies who are unlikely to make it anyway. Tough. And then perhaps Embryo donation which we are excited about but then again...complicated.

I always want to be pregnant. Every month. But my period is due at any moment and I am willing it far away! Because I can deal with complicated. But I'm sick of complicated. I want normal.

I caught up with BFF, and a mutual close friend, who was visiting from the states. Mutual friend told us she is pregnant with number 2. When my first close friend got pregnant (before we were trying) and I was a bit sad that I wasn't pregnant with her, my bff commented that maybe I would be pregnant with them. Well that has proven not to be the case. And it breaks my heart. I feel so left behind.

And yet...

One of my favourite blogs at the moment is one of a triplet Mum, called "Zero to 3 in 40 weeks" at here. The title always gives me hope. I feel so lost, so forsaken by God, so different from all those around me, who either have babies or hope. But when I see that title I remember that in this fight, things happen quickly. I could have one or two babies this time next year. I could have 3 babies in less than 40 weeks. You just never know.

I just have to keep hoping. Even those these appointments feel like the beginning of the end.
LG

Next steps

I am so sick of having that as a blog title!

Yesterday was terrible. My friend who struggled with depression was described by her Therapist as a functional depressed. Ie, despite her depression she was able to do all the things that she needed to do.

I am a functional IF. Usually. But I got very close to non-functioning yesterday. There were lots of silly, frustrating things that went on, as well as AF becoming very obviously there- killing any hopes that might have come from my morning vomit (I mean, SERIOUSLY! My body is so frustrating!). I got through the day without crying in public- just.

And so, in three weeks and one day we will meet up with our special brand new specialist. We will see if there might be something that can be done to me that might make me work.

But, if things are as I expect, and I was pregnant for even a teansie while this month (Its weird, do I morn a baby I don't know if it was there???)- then that is a very, very, very amazing sign. Maybe we can make a baby on our own?

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is just a terrible week!
LG

Sensitive moments

Family agents are always a little scary when you struggle with IF. When you add in a very obviously pregnant sister-in-law, it can b a little daunting. But my experience is that usually the worst case scenarios don't happen.

Usually.

We arrived at the wedding and Earls Aunt began to gush over SILs belly-I was sitting in front so I turned around so I wouldn't be forced to smile at her comments. She was holding earls cousins screaming daughter. She dumped the daughter into my arms and said "here you go, it's about time you got clucky (is that an Australian expression? To get clucky means to really want a baby)

Earl and I walked outside and I started to cry. I said "I knew someone would say something". Earl said "You set yourself up for these things. It wasn't that bad-you've just worried yourself into being super sensitive". And this morning I know that. But yesterday I was too wound up-too overwhelmed by the belly that just couldn't be looked away from to be brave.

Earl is lovely, so sensitive and always on my side. But it can be hard with his family. He loves them, but he really cares about what they think, and me crying in front of them is the height of humiliation for him. And there have been several family functions which I've found hard which Earl has not been able to enjoy because of me. And that's tough for both of us. But there is a limit to my strengh and I don't know how things could have been different.

The irony in all this is that AF still hasn't arrived yet. I am having silly little dreams of two lines, but I also know that the odds of me getting pregnant naturally are a great deal worse than the odds of a 39 day cycle after a stim cycle. I don't even know if it's possible to get pregnant straight after IVF. For once google has let me down on an IVF question :)

I'm not going to test for a bit longer-and I just have to remind myself not to get carried away. I've already prematurely mourned AF this month, I don't want to go through it again a week later because I get convinced of something that just isn't very likely.

Tonight I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with My family. This year has been tough. But there is, in my experience, always something to be thankful for.

Even if it's just Pumpkin Pie :)
LG

It would have been nice

I got AF today. On day 35. It's not that I really truely thought that I was pregnant- though I was starting to feel both hopeful and stressed and unsure. When AF came I felt a little sad. I didn't think I was pregnant.

But it would have been nice.

I am still in a pretty good place. I packed my bags, and chatted with friends, and did my work despite the arrival.

But it would have been nice.

I am feeling really excited and hopeful about moving onto a new clinic. It has been a really rough year and change is good. I am very aware that my chances in any non-medicated cycle are very slim, and that my best chances are when the doctors do some of the hard work for me.

But it would have been nice.

It would have been nice to be pregnant. It would have been wonderful. It would have been the best. To be pregnant a year after loosing Thumper. To go into a year of change with a little miracle nestling inside of me.

But it was not to be.
LG

Still good

I was a little bit worried that the reason I was in such a good place was that AF had not arrived and that this hope was what was keeping me going.

But while there can be no good time for AF- I am pretty happy with how things went today.

Just before finding out that AF was probably on her way, I realised I missed a call. You see, my lovely counsellor had called up a few specialist in the state which we are moving too- just to see if there were any that might squeeze me in. One of the doctors- who is quite high up in the field of IVF- is not taking new patients until February. But his personal secretary called to say she can book me in for an appointment in Dec! Yay! And so when AF came it wasn't of a cycle that didn't work that I was thinking of but rather of IVF in the future that might.

That is exciting and hopeful.

I have many other things I'd love to write, but life is mad, mad, mad in a good busy way, and I really should get off my butt and do some packing while I have 30 minutes breath :)

Love to you all, i don't know what kind of days you are having but I'm praying for strength and hope for you all. And lots of babies :)
LG